"Unrevenged"

Floating Action -Unrevenged

When this video was released, it got a lot of attention from critics. One dubbed the lyrics, "hauntingly vague". The irony is that, at the time, the lyrics made perfect sense in the context of me and GMP. I truly feel blessed to watch it as my own personal, objective, and loving, critic.

Abuse of any kind is unacceptable. Doesn't matter if you're "okay" as YOU are; if you're hurting someone, you know it, and you take no responsibility, you an Asshole/Jerk/Motherfucker.

Now that felt really nice. Happy Sunday!

I just happened to see this video again because it's on my YouTube playlist and I'm really enjoying my reaction.  Or should I say "non-reaction"? I feel recharged.

Sweet Spot

I feel like I'm on the cusp of (finally) adjusting to my crazy schedule. Tomorrow I have 5 clients; all back-to-back with my "new job" at the end of all of that. I also work at 6am tomorrow so my "down time" will have to be spent readying myself. I'm vowing to eat well…my last foray into fast food really knocked me off-center.

What's keeping me moving forward with Optimism? Affection, a nice meal cooked by my Good Sport, quality sleep with same, and….why am I even making a list? Every moment with him recharges…everything. Laughter will keep us young.

I know I have "stuff" to reconcile with the Universe; "open" business that really ought to be…resolved.  I'll just have to promise to get to it when I can. I really just want to enjoy a chunk of time "recharging." I want to linger in this "sweet spot".

"Gregarious Loner…"

Today's "art-ing"? Already getting redundant…again. Meh. Maybe one day I'll become a Corporate Art diva; master of Non-Impressed-ionism. har har

My sleep patterns are all over the place but I'm getting in naps. Most of the time I'm good with a snooze but not today. I've been in a time warp of cancelled clients and odd dozing. I suspect my sluggishness has everything to do with what I ate yesterday: fast food crap. And only that… I haven't been quite "in sync" since my colonoscopy and it was a really dumb choice. I'm also dehydrated from all of the goddamn salt. My mouth feels weird.

The Compound is so far from being recovered from Calfry. Doug left to go duck-hunting and I'm guessing he just left us to figure it out? Dunno. I do a little each time I stop by. Like Calfrys in the past, the muddy mess is unbelievable; it's an almost guaranteed rain. 'Turns kids and a few adults into Mud Maniacs…it's Good Mud. We now have 6 continuous generations who've played in it.

I was very glad to have Family Mud on my feet while I enjoyed my cousin's event. (I had to work so I missed stuff.) Being what it is, I did cross paths, either in person or phone, with past paramours and a new buddy. Amazingly easy to acknowledge and disengage… ha ha reminds me of the song:
That's Not What I Came For - Floating Action. 'Hadn't listened to THAT in awhile! How absolutely fucking wonderful to be spending time with someone who is NOT whining! Thank God. Really.

So…I'm off. 'Got shit I should do. At least I got something down today….

Sadness in my Sleep

Twice now, I've awakened to a deep sense of Sadness. Someone I care very much about told me they had been physically abused; it's haunted me. Not because I have any personal attachment to the Fact (meaning, it doesn't make me think about my own experiences) but because I can't stomach anyone being cruel to this Wonderful Person. I can't fathom the Betrayal of Trust…how can anyone of us truly process Cruelty? I find it oddly reassuring that these feelings have sort of "skipped" my Conscious and went straight to my Subconscious…there's no doubt I truly care. I have more trust in my Subconscious Intuition.

I don't expect to keep having Sadness in my sleep now that I've written about it. Well-played Self! Thank you, Great Whatever!

At the risk of seeming truly "out there", I get a lot of reassurance from this article: What A Shaman Sees in a Mental Hospital. (Not in regard to the aforementioned Wonderful Person…talking about me now.) I look back at the times when my mental illness was acute and I'm so lucky to feel no attachment to those times…at least physically. In the past, I'd start to lapse just by thinking about PD. 

I don't see myself as a "Healer"(per the article) so much as a Proprioception Facilitator. There's never a moment when I'm doing bodywork that I'm not engaged in a Cooperative Effort. (If a client is asleep, I get much clearer feedback…sometimes in the form of snoring changes haha) I am so very lucky to be doing this work especially with my Special Needs clients. The Great Whatever has blessed me with the opportunity to communicate with those who cannot speak words…

And…as a total sidebar: somewhere along the line, I made the decision to make all of my blog art-ing 10"x10" Photoshop size. Seeing as how I have this wild hair to use my morning "break" for this stuff, I guess efficiency is a good thing. I just hope there isn't a loss of….conveyance.

Closing a Chapter

'Guess I'm still riding a bit of a wave here… Every once in awhile I'll sort through archives and find my earliest attempts at self-portraits. I'm sure there's some deep psychological reason but I don't care. My gut still feels "clean" and it's good to go along with just that. A good gut.

I put a final entry in my GMP Journal and put it away to archive. I know our lives/paths will likely criss-cross and that's ok. Maybe one day he'll put as much effort into exorcising his ghosts as I did in our brief, intense time together. I wish him Peace and told him so. Very nice to have that taken care of.

Which leaves me free to….HAVE FUN! I'm gonna enjoy every goddamn moment I get with my Good Sport. Haha…I already do. There's nothing to add to what's just happening naturally. 'Seems odd that we met a month ago. Other events around the same time seem like they were yesterday…and as I've said before, "…haven't we always…?"

"Milk of Amnesia"

Luckily, my previous post was as whiny as I got throughout my intestinal adventure. I had some wonderful support and delightful distraction. I have so much to be grateful for, not the least of which is the removal of my fear of Colon Cancer. Having witnessed my grandmother's painful passing to the disease, I feel a relief that runs clear into my Subconscious.

As usual, I'm a Goof. My reaction to the anesthetic, Propofol, was to awaken so completely jazzed I nearly hopped out of the bed. I wanted to pee and I wanted coffee and I wanted to go rejoice! It's been over 12 hours and I'm just now coming down enough to consider sleep. Maybe it's just a high from being so…clean…within.

'Doesn't hurt that my heart is happy either. A Happy Heart changes a lot of things. I consider myself to be a very Lucky Lady right now.

Prep

If you're close to me, you know I have a colonoscopy tomorrow. If you know about colonoscopies, then you know today is Prep Day. Yippee fucking skippy….I've only done the Dulcolax and it's already an issue. Does this meaning I might be able to skip the second bottle of bowel poison? Oh I hope sooooooooooo. Fuck.

I'd stay and try to create an image but it's already hard to focus too much attention. Fuckity fuck fuck. 'Like being forced on a roller coaster; I know I'm gonna hate it before and feel like a champion after. It's the whining in the middle that'll be the hardest.

Sure wish I was with a really Good Sport instead of a potentially snarky…other person. Pray for me!

Challenge

I got it in my head this morning that I'm setting aside any time before 9am, on my early days, for art-ing. Here's today's less-than-an-hour project. 'Might be a good pre-season resolution…

My Dear Good Sport gave us the challenge of not communicating for 36 hours; I almost texted "Uncle" at 24. On my end of things, it didn't change the amount of time I spent thinking of him and it has made the "heart grow fonder". I'm just not so keen on any type of "diet".

And…time is ticking down to my REAL challenge and that's having my goddamn mother-fucking colonoscopy. Fuck.

Out of time…already a little past 9.

Holding

The biggest emotional challenge this week was knowing that my kids and their father were grieving deeply for their cousin, Frank Coyle. Sure, I sent my condolences and some messages to the kids but…yeah, nothing like being able to hold them. All I have are my Loving Intentions…which I hope they are able to receive. I always liked and respected Frank; he was always good to me and better to my Ex (as it should be!) For whatever reason, this song puts me there: Lost in the Light, Bahamas

The "easiest" emotional challenge (and I guess that makes it an oxymoron…) this week has been allowing myself to be spoiled with affection; spending hours "just being" with someone. We've talked about Infatuation and I'm saying that I somehow skipped that part. Haven't I always snuggled this man? Haven't we always gotten a little too drunk and a lot too silly? Haven't we always stepped around each other in small spaces? There doesn't seem to be anything unfamiliar… I must be high on oxytocin because all of this doesn't bother me a bit. Time will help work all of this into balance. **palms up**

My hands still get warm when I do that….it's all good.

Small Pieces of Time

I really like coming home from my new job at 8am. I'm awake, I've had a workout (Lord knows), and I've had enough coffee and driving to be wired and contemplative. Today's "art-ing" took all of 15 minutes. 'Wasn't going for anything in particular other than being able to make something…anything. It's a very nice feeling; these magical moments before it's 100º again.

An even nicer feeling, and I'm gonna have to back-pedal here a bit, is having Someone who WANTS to sweep me off my feet. I'm getting pretty swept. Ok…thoroughly swept. I'm hopeful my New Reader will continue to be a really Good Sport.

I hear chainsaws and alarms from my phone…time to move along on this awesome Tuesday.

Labor(less) Day

'Not completely without labor…I did go to my new job and I have a pretty fucking substantial list of things past due. It's so hard to focus on "real work" in the 'Hut, especially if my shoulders are aching. The Fam-damnily went to my sister's for my dad's birthday celebration. We've taken to playing a game called Rummikub…for hours at a time. I just can't sit that long staring at game tiles; I often hop up for a quick smoke after each game but it's mostly to stretch outside.

And it's been during these get-togethers for Game Night, that I feel the most alienated from my nuclear family. My 22 years away had an effect; there's a lot that I didn't share with the family around the table. They've developed common interests: books, movies, shows, trips together. 'Better to benignly ignore me than acknowledge anything positive about me. I'm still too cheery for this crowd…but at least they laugh more these days. I'm learning to bow out of some things…much like I do when a lot of extended family members are around here. 'Best to stay "fresh". I'll likely skip the annual trip to Port A. Besides not really being able to afford it, the last time I mostly slept. I have a feeling I'd be likely to do the same.  I'll have to gauge my decision on Nag Factor. I suspect my dad's pissed enough at me already; don't want to cause any issues or any drama. 'Don't want to listen to snark either. The World is a Better Place with me in the 'Hut!

Ahhhhh…my love life. What I'm enjoying the most is how I'm NOT getting totally swept away. Oh I've got the "jones" for the loving and I'm relishing every single moment alone with this man but…I'm not turning into a total Fucking Nut. Oh I'm sure I've come kinda close; I can't kick the impulse to disclose too much information… Instead of screaming at me like GMP would, this Good Sport hands me tissue and reassures me that the first years after his divorce were filled with stupid mistakes. A little patience and compassion goes so far! GMP mocked my suggestion that he use gentle physical cues to shut me up…and here's a man that does it without me even noticing. Viva la Mental Health!

And c'mon…the very most irresistible trait this Good Sport possesses is the ability to be totally at home in the 'Hut for an extended period of time. How am I supposed to react to that? Yesterday morning, he had me play this: 5th Dimension Working on a Groovy Thing

Life is really good no matter how I might bitch and moan and get lost on Stupid Shit. The Great Whatever has a way of striking Balances…if we Surrender.