I Could Have Been Done w/ My Taxes!

Year of the Dragon

I'm a Dragon in the Chinese horoscope; Sagittarian in the traditional (?) astrology. I have a friend in Philly whose birthday is a week after mine (literally) and we call ourselves "SagDragons". Fran and I raised our babies together and we totally rocked community development in our day. Ain't nobody gonna mess with a white mom and a black mom, both with babies on the hip. We got things done.

I'm kinda feeling an inner stirring in that direction; in that mood. We weren't bitches unless a situation warranted a return volley of equal or greater bitchiness. Fran and I were about softening the edges of our respective communities and letting our kids grow up without prejudice or malice. Our Title One school lay on the border of our neighborhoods and by golly, we were gonna have peace so we could have a quality education for our children. There was grant money to utilize and we were gonna insure that it was used well so we would qualify for more. I miss that vitality; maybe it's an urban thing. People here seem in no hurry to fix any racial divisiveness. I've lost respect for a few people because of it, that's fer sure.

Thank God for the new company I'm working for. I get to provide massage therapy to kids with disabilities, mostly CP and brain injury, and it's paid for by Medicare. (How cool is that?) I travel twice a week through Tank Town to a trailer park and work with a young man who was shot at age 3. Most of the time, unless they're talking to me, the family speaks Spanish. I am the minority in this place and that's just dandy. His mother and I kinda have a little of that SagDragon energy but...not. It's a very positive situation and the kiddo is brilliant in so many ways. I meet my first CP client next Wednesday.

I went to our Chamber of Commerce banquet last night and stayed longer than I did last year. It was interesting. I asked a friend to save a seat but I ran late so we found me one close by... I accidently ended up seated next to our mayor, with his wife, the owners of the local paper and the manager of a national drug store chain at the table. Makes me laugh. A random woman "friended" me this morning. We have two Friends in common: the mayor and the membership services person for the Chamber. I don't recall being introduced. I accepted her invite and also included a note. I just gotta know why! It was good to mingle and better to catch up with people I truly enjoy. Our town has some really awesome and influential folks. The "bad guys" in our local government are gonna have a tougher time in the years ahead...

I guess that SagDragon feeling has to do with my lightened emotional load. I can't spend my time and energy fretting over people who 1) could give a rat's ass and/or 2)have more control over my quality of life than they should. I feel like I've put down a sack of rocks and still don't know all of the reasons I decided to carry it for so long. It was nice to convey to a few folks last night that life has taken a better turn even if it meant things being a little messy. No ill-will to give. 'Don't know what exactly will phoenix out of the ashes of burnt bridges... kinda sorta don't care either. Sweet indifference. I miss it.

And church ROCKED today. We've had a substitute preacher for the past two weeks and both Sundays I left feeling totally jazzed. The man is retired but he's still got that Certain Something. (And we aren't even Evangelicals!) We've also added more singing to the services since the church hired a new choir director. (He's done wonders to improve my voice...!) Pretty sure the higher endorphins are from the aerobic/mental/technical endeavor of singing. I'm so awake and then to hear REAL words of encouragement is just downright joyous. (Not a word I hear often enough.)

So maybe this is "my" year. Naw... sounds too much like I'm waiting for the Prize Patrol.

Cyber-Self: Good to see you pull yourself together after the crime you witnessed...and after the newspaper report contradicted what you saw. It's so tempting to charge at the powers-that-be at full force but this is a time of great restraint. You did meticulously put together a timeline of the event and the reporter now knows that the authorities lied and for now that's good enough. Today's nap was proof.

Punkin-Chunkin: I feel like I'm being enticed to some degree to pick up "rocks" for a new sack to carry; to warn others of potential emotional/social danger. So....I really gotta chunk that urge out ASAP! And now that I've pretty much laid out the Chunkin field, if someone gets "hit" by a Punkin, I have no sympathy for you. Move out of the way for Pete's sake. Geez. Find something less important to do. It ain't all about you.

Oh the Things We Tell Ourselves...

'Only title I could think of in the moment but it doesn't relate to anything today.... I'm on the last legs of processing a crime that I witnessed (or should I say witnessed a portion of?). I feel very blessed to have people in my Life that I can turn to and say, "Hey, this doesn't make a lot of sense but...I'm having a heck of a time getting over _____." It's amazing what you can receive when you ask. After several nights without good sleep, I finally decided I needed to ask for help before my anixiety got worse. Slept great last night. God is good.

Cyber-Self: Now that the majority of knots are gone from your Tangled Fishing Line, it's okay to put it away until you're bored. Reel that Sucker up, take mental note of where it still needs work, and go about your business.

Punkin-Chunkin: Not much to chuck. I'll wait.

Morning Detanglin'

This is a photo of my dance surface in my home studio circa 2007(?). The total size was close to 6'x6' and was made with remnant flooring and black gaffer's tape. During the 90's, I created at least 4 performance art pieces on this surface including one titled, "Living in My Sweet Little Box" and "Fuck John Zorn". My feet miss the vinyl and the tape...I miss looking down and seeing 45 degree angles.

'Just randomly decided to use the floor pic for my MDR art.

Addendum: A friend of mine posted that today is Janis Joplin's birthday. I posted the link to her picture and it started nice quiet cry. My mother died a month and a day after Janis. Being almost 6, I absorbed that time like a sponge and there are certain songs that I always took literally... Cry Baby Nice. Nothing like a healthy saline wash from within! Tears are awesome.

Evening Detanglin'

Just had a wonderful phone conversation with an awesome young man I know. I truly appreciate his forthrightness in building our friendship and it's brick-by-brick slow-goin's, too. But he'd be the first to tell you that talking one-to-one is a major challenge for him. His effort warms and softens my heart. He reminds me so much of my son! He's a good person who sometimes has a hard time conveying.... just: "conveying."

Most of us take the ability to communicate for granted and that's where we get into Trouble. A big snag in the Tangled Line is my frustration at the lack of compassion in some folks. It's like they can't even muster enough empathy to even reverse roles for a nanosecond. It freaks me out. Inept Conveyors are everywhere and we should treat them with love and respect. I know because I am one!

My daughter and I came to the conclusion that my version of Tough Love sounds like: blubber blubber blubber boo-hoo sniffle "please" blubber blubber sob sob "stop" blubber blubber blah blah blah blah... It's essentially ineffective and, at it's worst, has made my children pity me. Sad.

So I raise my hands in the air and yell to the Great Whatever: "I SUCK at conveying Tough Love!" and then I have to laugh because I suck at a lot of things. I could get hoarse! And how silly would that look? No sillier than I look now.

Cyber-Self: I know it's tempting, but don't dye your hair just yet. Not quite time for a makeover. Consider this your horoscope for the rest of January.

Punkin-Chunkin: Created a chore for myself that I just flat out don't want to do. Pfft. But, in the interest of hurling 2011, I will do it tomorrow.

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Some People Who Think like Me

(watch "Question!") I first saw this video when I was working for the Opera Company of Philadelphia. Our production of Mozart's "The Magic Flute" was visually very similar and I wondered if maybe somehow someone copied OCP...?

It was definitely pre-9/11 but SOAD was very much a part of my Process. They are descendants of Armenian Genocide survivors. I felt very connected to all of their sensibilities: visual, political, lyrical, technical. These guys have high end chops.

Don't know why I wandered into watching their videos again but happy to see that I still get a lot out of watching them.

My godparents were in a car accident. They have since been back and forth a few times between hospital and home... I haven't had a chance to get to Oak Hill to see how they really are. (Both of them were so doped up when I last called that I decided to wait a few days.)

Certainly made for another eerily other-earthly situation sensation. I had been pondering for days and days as to whether I should take this chair massage gig in South Austin. Doing so would mean driving a lot, potentially making less money (at least at first) but then again, it would put me less than 5 minutes away from my Dad and Mark's parents and maybe 15 minutes away from my godparents twice a week. I had just committed to 8 weeks when I got the call about the car accident. Interesting how things work out sometimes. The Great Whatever can have a practical side.

Cyber-Self: Not gonna lie, I'm pretty damned impressed by your progress on the Tangled Fishing Line. I know you'll be done in no time at all. Good Luck.

Punkin-Chunkin: All of August-December 2011...oops...too big for just one chunkin'. Dang Nabbit. I hate chores. (sigh) First things first.

FORE!

"B.Y.O.B!"

Scarecrow

I have no idea why/how/who/what.

Entry Shortcut

Good Morning, Cyber-Universe and Cyber-Self,

I always like calling God, the "Great Whatever." I know there's a "Something" but I know I'm not liking the "Super-Human Version." Anyhoo, the link below is a very accurate expression of my Walk. For as dark as I can be sometimes, it's a very Pollyanna view. So it goes.

Nuf said:

(Hope it works. I could look it up... it's an Affirmation presented to Mary Kay consultants.)

Discipleship Denied

(if the font is weird, it's because I gave up on making it match! blogger has goblins.)

I've been working on my Tangled Fishing Line... when I've had a chance. My daughter was just here for a week. (So many wonderful conversations with her, btw. I'm saving all that for another entry or for an image.) I thought about recent interpersonal messes and concluded that, at some point, I will be offering an apology. I will put on the table examples of my own Discipleship Denied.

"Each one of us hens shares something each week called “discipleship denied.” This is to represent a time during the week in which although called to follow the teachings of Christ, we failed to do so. This can be either a big or small event. To recognize our failures, we must be self-aware. This is like confession time. Sometimes, confessing our shortcomings is really difficult." from the blog: robbinswrites

There were a number of times I could have acted upon circumstances in a much more firm and direct manner. I should have just allowed myself to be hated from the get-go and nip this crap in the bud. Doing nothing is sometimes worse than acting. I sat by and watched mistakes and said nothing. And it wasn't as if this were happening in just one realm of my life either. There's a broader lesson here...a challenge that I'm such a wuss about. Do I risk looking self-righteous and judgemental? Or do I, as I did recently, worry incessantly over the people I care about? Who am I protecting?

Cyber-Universe: I'm walking into some new realms this week. I'm hopeful that I will encounter a less worrisome future.

Cyber-Self: Congrats on the clean office and the organized gear! Puttering suits you. XO

Evening, New Year's Day

It's weird how goofy the font behaved in my prior post. Goblins?

Went to a local party. What a great evening with good people. Always makes me wonder, after a night like tonight, how I ever end up spending time with anyone less than wonderful...good people are everywhere!

With such efficient puttering and sorting today, I'm beginning the year very mellow and very clean. A lot of worries have left my conscience and I'm so very eager to take on endeavors that are rewarding for me and for those I love. Waste not, want not.

Cyber-Universe: I've chunked most of my current "pumpkins" but I'd recommend that folks not wander about the field just in case. I love watching my concerns arc into space and splatter; might be a little trigger happy in 2012.

Cyber-Self: You know that I know that you know that I know. They don't and never will.

Early New Year's Day

I received an update from my friend whose mother-in-law is very sick. Our first correspondance is in entry, "Second to Last Entry of 2011":

"M**** not doing well. Pneumonia better, but heart very weak and her time with us is likely to be a few months at most a year. She is now receiving some rehab in hopes to improve strength a little bit. We are with her hubby, Bob's stepdad Dwight right now. Prayers for peace, strength and good decisions welcomed! Wishing you and Mark all the best for 2012!
xoxo"

My answer:

You too! Offer of "time outs" still stand.

And here's one thing that I feel like I'm meant to share:

I spent yesterday helping an elderly client put away her Christmas decorations. Her, her husband and I sing in the church choir. She paid me $5 an hour (bless her heart!) but they also took Mark and I out to lunch.

Before we ate, we joined hands and prayed. In public. I can't quite describe it except to say that having people look at us actually added to the power of it. I never ever saw people do this in Philly. It truly fills my heart and kinda blows my mind and my spirit...so...yummy?

Maybe its time (and for all I know you already do) to join hands as often as possible when these decisions need to be made. Join hands with her! Bless the situation so everyone can be open and honest and sad and anything they need to be...within the framework of his mother's desires. And remember there are phases in this process of dying (some potentially very challenging) which lead ultimately to acceptance which is so very beautiful to bear witness to. I know that my life has been shaped by this beauty in others.

And cry often as it's very very good for your health. <3"