Place and Time

First the Good News:

Sometimes in Life, the simplest moments become the defining ones; moments so natural and spontaneous that they resonate through every cell, all the way into DNA.

Listening to cousin Glen is like that.

His son, Doug, had a benefit concert in my little Texas hometown of Manchaca. Merediths (then Morelands and Whiteheads, etc. etc.) have been there for at least five generations and a major branch of the family tree was represented. Glen took the stage first, with his buddy (who plays washtub bass and ukulele simultaneously.) Don't know if my Moment was due to the music or the constant gentle teasing directed at me from the stage but...I experienced the deepest sense of happiness, the deepest sense of belonging, pride of place, than I can remember. Or maybe it's a simple as having the dirt of my genetic home on my feet. 'Guess it really doesn't matter; just wish there was a way to be stuck in THAT moment.

And the Bad News:

Unfortunately, the moments that ARE sticking lately are the Depressive Ones. (sigh) I know it's cliche: I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Will I ever extricate myself from Depression long enough to forget what it feels like? Will I ever find myself so pleasantly distracted long enough that I can laugh off the years of being Blue? To my credit, I've long given up the meds (only exception is Klonopin but that's even less than half of what I used to take...tapering off is part of the Grand Plan. And that's not even for Depression; supposed to keep Panic Attacks at bay.)

It's not like I don't KNOW all the tricks: exercise, losing weight, doing for others, getting "out there" amongst the people, upping my Faith. Well guess what? Depression has a way of creating a Giant Moat around solutions...which is why most of the medical world throws pills at it. Therapy? Depression has a way of making me non-compliant. It's the Bullshit Disease. 'Makes just about everything feel like bullshit.

So for now, I'm still putting in my half-assed efforts at the tricks, taking the supplement my chiropractor says will help (and I guess it does because I AM at least writing and making images...today) and trying not to succumb. 'Just feels like a lot of work. (Wow...just occurred to me that this entry alone could jeopardize my efforts at obtaining health insurance...how F-Upped is that?!?!?!?)

THE REALLY BIG IRONY?

If you were to poll my peeps on Facebook, they would likely say I'm one of the happiest people they know. Hasn't anyone noticed that I keep getting fatter, that I painfully miss my daughter or that posts of my success as a Massage Therapist have started to dwindle? Just sayin'. Social Network=Social Mythology

Maybe my next entry will be more inspiring. I hope so.

Have a Great Week, Cyber-Universe. Hang in there, Cyber-Self (I really DO love you, BTW)