A Sense of Progress

Tomorrow is the day-long celebration of my Aunt Lil's 90th Birthday. Because she is so very connected to family, church, community, it's likely to be overwhelming for her… I've been quietly avoiding the hub-bub at the far side of the property. I love my cousins. 'Especially one at a time! I'd like to think I'm keeping myself "fresh" for my photography duties tomorrow. I'm just glad I got the 'Hut sparkling clean tonight. It put me in the mood to listen to classical music and do some arting.

So that's my superficial shit; the stuff that matters as far as whether I'm present or not. My outward focus on the workings of each day. I noticed I posted about this time last Friday…obviously I'm not out and about. 'Can't really afford to and not much interested in going out alone. Nope. Not too much going on here…

Everything is going on here! There's so much Major Shit going on in my head, my heart, my soul…it's a fucking Miracle I keep the superficial shit operational. Dayum. More than once lately, I've looked skyward and asked the Great Whatever, "Why? Why now? Why him? Why here? "Why me?"

And I get the same basic answer: because I'm uniquely qualified to live the Life I've been given. I'll always feel the pull of Deceased Mothers and all of their Intentions. I'll always find comfort in being in proximity of where my ancestors stood. Or at least those ancestors I feel most connected to… And I'll always be willing to play the Muse, the symbol of Some Great Man's Inner Rage…to a certain extent of course. I got verbally blasted last night and it was, ultimately, a very interesting experience. There was a point when I was crying that I realized I wasn't crying for ME; I was crying for him? his mother when his father did the same thing? I really don't know. I'm not qualified to know. But it felt like it needed to happen. There were little giveaways that I'd been "set up" to a certain extent and that was okay for some reason. All I felt in my heart was sadness and the need to provide a Safe Place for his Rage to ignite, burn, and become ash. It did.

We parted amicably. I think we were both a little shocked by that. We have plans to touch base on Sunday (I KNOW he'll be literal in his recognition of my words as I left); I cancelled tonight.