Best…Cry…Ever...

Understand that, while I'm grateful for a sense of "progress"in my own mental health, some of my emotional breakthroughs might just be hormones. Either way, I'm having a great time in the 'Hut these days.

Yesterday afternoon I was putting in some quality Facebook time (haha) and I found myself crying those same big fat tears that had dropped on Gerald's arm a couple of weeks ago…? The content of the conversation? Birthday wishes and elementary school memories. It was one friend's 50th and we were bantering about photos from childhood birthday parties. My first thought: would I recognize myself in any photos? I often don't. And then it hit me hard that I really have lost so many childhood memories…I have these random "index cards" of reconstructed events. I found a new "edge" to an Old Wound. I guess for real healing, a person's gotta get in there and clear it out sometimes.

When I lifted my palms to the Great Whatever during my cry, I realized that what I really want for my 50th birthday is as many photos and stories as my old elementary school friends could give me. I just don't have the Bravery to ask…which made me cry more. Why? Because I would end up confessing to just how ill I really had been all along; that my tendency to disassociate mySelf had started very very young. And, once again, I come back to the Old Wound.

All roads lead to you, Mr. Molester…still. I do hope you read my blog. I hope you see how far I get from even thinking of you and then, BAM, your Sorry-Ass comes into play. Will you ever understand/acknowledge just how fucked up all of that was? Not only to take my virginity at 13 but to come back at 15, 18 to take what was left? That you set the dominoes falling for the decades to come?
Of course you won't, don't, and probably never will. Enjoy your corner of Hell.

**whew** There's always "work" in the 'Hut. I'm always grateful for tears and I wish Gerald could understand why I don't make myself stop crying once I've started. Chemically, it's the Best Thing for What Hurts. I'm guessing he's seen so many because his presence evokes some of what's been shed here yesterday…

Forward, ho.