Getting There (The Distance Between Us-Part 4?)

Just the fact that there's a 3 day lapse between my image and my writing is very telling. I finally (?) have a set schedule at least with the McJob and my Special clients (I now have 3!). Tomorrow I add to what's been a long day for me at the McJob. Truth be told, I'm doing a great job considering how unprepared I was for this workload. So far, so good.

To make this schedule "work", I've been staying the night at my dad's house on Sundays. Tonight will be the 4th Sunday in a row. I suspected that time together would lead in emotional directions and I've been open to whatever comes up.  This past week I've started every day with a short, gentle cry; good stuff. It's all become very bittersweet. This past time, he insisted I listen to a song from a new Leonard Cohen CD. He said, "... and really, any song from this album would be good for my funeral." No, the man's not leaving us tomorrow but the Time has come to get His House in order. He literally has empty storage containers all over the house. All of them waiting for his Archive.

Some mornings the Cry has just been bitter. I'm pissed that I've been "tapped" to take on my father's personal business. It only occurred to me yesterday that I should say something to my sister and my aunt about all of this. Just because they all abandoned we with my grandparents, doesn't mean I have to let it happen again.  (When I was 16, both of my grandparents were terminally ill and Dad decided I should live with them. My aunt was in Egypt, my sister was off on her own...but that's a WHOLE different blog!) It's been too easy to imagine my sister throwing up her arms, saying, "I'm not the caretaker type!" Honestly though...I've wiped too much ass and I'm tired. My grandmother, my stepson's mother, my mother-in-law, my kids; I'm not exaggerating.

I just added to the title of the entry. My mind just skipped to Elements in recent local relationships, greatest of which is Total Severance. The only people I'm willing to babysit are those who are in my heart and it's not even fair to call it that. I'm busy Life-Sitting my Dad! Fuck off. I only have time for people capable of giving a GENUINE rat's ass about other people. God didn't put me on this Earth to be your entertainment. Again, fuck off. (By golly, I just Punkin Chunked without even trying! Well played, Cyber-Self!)

God DID put me here for days like yesterday. My Great Aunt had her 88th birthday party in at her house in Manchaca. We had 4 generations. My sister actually came, so my whole immediate family was there, too. My current Filter is so emotionally charged that my mind was taking snapshots the whole time: toddlers entertaining the crowd, stories of local adventures and family long gone, and lots and lots of laughter. We genetically share a sense of humor that's oddball, a little dark, and always unexpected. It was great to see Dad relaxed and animated. Maybe my Calling this time is more about ensuring we're all together? 'Time to shake the Martyr Habit!

And on that note, I must commence to packing for the next couple of days. It's a challenge because I will be working back-to-back jobs but, it's also Memorial Day so maybe it won't be a big deal the first time. Sad but true, if I leave anything, then I will have to drive my ass back to Lockhart and that would be a DRAG!

Cyber-Self: Wasn't making time for the market worth it? Not only were the plums a huge hit with Aunt Lil, you also made a point of connecting with folks who make living here worth it! Don't ever let your schedule keep you from keeping those who CARE close to you. They'll be the ones to brighten Darker Days ahead.

Cyber-Universe: As you were... and so it goes.