Knocking at the 4th Wall...

'Don't like directing an entry to one specific person but its probably best to have my say here. I'm guessing this person has become a reader...best to keep some degree of plausible deniability. I also don't like writing on the iPad but doing it anyway.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY MR. "RACKED WITH GUILT"
You are indeed a gift that keeps giving. My sister and I had a wonderful Father's Day with Dad and, as often happens when it's the 3 of us, we got to reminiscing. On the ride home, Dad felt the need to tell me why he got along better with my sister when we were teens. He expressed his "disappointment" with me because I didn't share with him that I had started "sexually experimenting".  I barely got out the words, "it's hardly consensual at 13." After 35 years, my father still has the power to completely tear me apart...almost. I sobbed for a couple of hours (after speeding away from his house) and then I got good and pissed. After a couple of days, I was able to write my father and lay it all out without the emotional charge; facts are facts.

Sex between a 13 yr old and a 30-something is always wrong. There's no "experimenting" or "motivations" (words my father has used...) in that scenario. The "wiring" isn't formed yet and everything is trumped by the adult's willingness to ignore and exploit that clean slate. It doesn't mean shit if I had a great vocabulary, Assholes. It doesn't mean shit that you magically decided I was old enough. A crime is a crime and I am beyond DONE when carrying the guilt. It's not MY shame, Dudes.

My father made a very bad mistake by not going after you. As a parent of adults, I too have had to make amends for my bad mistakes; we mend because, more often than not, theses mistakes are more like tragic accidents. These are forgiveable.

Your crime was not a tragic accident. I don't want to hear you BS yourself into thinking that alcoholism makes a plausible excuse nor do I need to hear you try to BS me into thinking that you're truly sorry. You were able to live a life without giving me a second thought.

I did finally figure out why I have such a specific monetary amount in regard to YOU helping to balance this crap out: you promised to send me to college if I lived with you. On that drive from Denver to Tulsa in '83, you worked hard to sweeten the prospect of staying with you. I honestly believe that the very least you can do is to compensate me for NOT interfering with your life all of these years...