Law of Compensation

I almost titled this entry "Calculating Restitution"... and realized that it's really something else so I looked up the terms on Wiki. My mind has been off in too many directions and, as usual, not writing has it's consequences. I allow myself to mentally walk too far down imaginary paths. Yesterday I mowed (almost an acre total) at my Dad's and it was very helpful. I also worked on my "Picnic Spot"...it's really coming along so nicely. I whacked away at REAL paths rather than sit and contemplate the imaginary ones. Ah....

So, back to the point: in my mind, there is a person who owes me in the neighborhood of $100k.
'Don't know why that specific figure or why it used to be $80k.  So anyhoo, that's 35 years @ ______ = $100,000 which comes to about $3,000. a year....huh? I don't have a clue where this comes from. Or why it comes now of all times. The best I can say about it is that I was injured in the sense of being shoved onto a path that caused me harm; this person tipped the first domino, so to speak. How would my life be different? What potential success did I miss?

What the fuck? That's NOT how I think!  I honestly thought I put this behind me last Fall. Maybe in the process of standing up for my Inner Child, I decided that apologies weren't enough. I need something awesomely wonderful to happen. I don't want to win the lottery, I don't want to inherit anything more than what's connected to me, I've never been about "stuff"; I just want one more Absolutely Fresh Start. And that's when my head goes back to $100k.

Maybe, just maybe, by writing it out and "hearing" it again later, I'll understand. I have a hunch that being perimenopausal plays no small part! (my poor Boo!) Hmmmm... does menopause have a "nesting" phase? It just occurred to me that behind all of this is the question: where will I spend the rest of my life and how fast can I move in? Kinda morbid but kinda reassuring. Very strange.

Well I've managed to think away the morning; it's 12:05pm. Back to real stuff... like dishes and laundry.