Happy Birthday to Me

My birthday is actually next Sunday but we are celebrating it today, Thanksgiving. My sister kept pressing me to plan a separate celebration but I forced the issue just to piss her off...I'm so bad. But I honestly didn't see why we should plan something else during such a busy time.

Sometimes It Takes 35 Years

I gave myself an interesting gift this year: I confronted the man who thought having sex with a 13 year old was okay if even for a moment. Many months ago I had a bad spell of Panic Attacks and I decided to try to find this man; my name showed up as a result.

So rather than type type type, I'm just gonna cut and paste...
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Subject: What a Surprise 
Sent: Tue, Nov 20, 2012 3:55:19 AM 

Dear Denise,

Imagine my surprise when I logged into Linkedin today, something I do very, very rarely (like once a year), and found the name Denise Meredith-Clark in the column of  "People You May Know".  How in the world you got into that column is a total mystery to me. But anyway, I said to myself, "no way" even though I knew it was you by your picture, and before I read the profile which confirmed that this particular Denise Meredith was from Manchaca (there can't be 2, can there?).

28 years (or so) since I last saw you. What a wonderful surprise. You look great from the little picture posted. Red hair too!!! Wow.

I retired from the South Texas Nuclear plant in 08, lived in North Georgia for 3 years, and then moved permanently to Tenn early this year. I have my own little piece of heaven in 15 acres of woods and grass which keeps me real busy. We (my 4 dogs and 1 cat) work outside most days clearing and burning brush or mowing or pruning or transplanting trees and I work in my shop or clean house (shudder) when it is too wet or cold outside. My youngest daughter, 24, came to visit after she finished her Masters at UTSA in Sept and she found a job about 60 mi from here and so she moved here about 3 weeks ago and is staying with me.

So anyway, enough about me; tell me about you since I last saw you (1983 I think).

Hope to hear from you soon,

Joe    

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Sent: Tue, November 20, 2012 7:33:51 AM
Subject: Re: What a Surprise

Sounds like you are doing well. Two daughters now? Did you reunite with your oldest? Did you remarry? I returned to Texas three years ago. I took off to Philadelphia (more on that below) when I was 22. At 44, realizing that I been there for half of my life, I decided to come home. I divorced my husband of 17 years (shouldn't have lasted that long) and left behind my very understanding 15 year old daughter and 2 very pissed off twenty-something stepsons. I had been their nanny when their mother died of ovarian cancer in 1990. I married their father in '92, had my girl in '93. My ex was a (semi) recovered left-handed alcoholic. I mention that because I'm wondering if you're left-handed; it is one very odd thing that most of my relationships have had in common. I came home for other reasons, too. Dad's 71, diabetic, and has Parkinson's. I missed my extended family and I missed being in Texas. ( I lived downtown in Philly...sensory overload). And I came home to clean the skeletons from my abandoned closest. I had finally reached a point in my recovery, from a number of disorders, that the only way forward is to go back to the Beginnings. In August of 1977, you committed a crime. There is never a circumstance when sex with a 13 yr old is okay. It's not developmentally possible. To wait until I was "legal" didn't make anything "okay" and in fact, doing so caused me extraordinary emotional harm. At 20, after experiencing a miscarriage, I fell into a dissociative fugue. As far as I know, it was for 3 days; I'll never be certain. I've been putting myself back together ever since. From 13-16ish, I was an easy target. As the first, you set the tone. You made me believe that my sexual exploitation was to be expected. I finally learned to say no but I suspect my addiction to methamphetamine made it a moot point. I was a fucked up mess. I had an opportunity to live in Philly and I took it. I reinvented myself and I was able to behave as if I were okay. Then with the onset of panic attacks over 15 years ago, it became quite obvious that I was not okay. I will likely be on meds forever but whatever. After a certain age, we all get a pill case. Like diabetes, I'm able to avoid symptoms by managing my illness. There are days I get very pissed about having to... That's how I came to be on your LinkedIn list. I was pissed one day, googled your name, and got your old account. I'm glad you wrote. Your jovial tone indicates that you think everything is a-okay between you and I. It never was Joe. Thank you for the opportunity to say what I needed to convey to you. That puts me one step ahead... -D ------------------------------------------------------

Sent: Tue, Nov 20, 2012 4:59:41 PM 

D, I did many stupid things when I was a drunk but what happened in the back of my pick-up truck in my semi-drunken stupor was idiotic, absoluteley wrong and I know it. I admitted I was an alcoholic in April, 1982 and God removed the yoke of my addiction from me. I immersed myself in AA and was doing my 12 step program in 82-83. You were on my list of "Making Amends to those I had harmed", hence the calls to you sometime in that period. When you came to see me in Tulsa and we had such a wonderful time together (at least that was my perception) I guess I thought I had suffficiently made those amends and all was well. But, after you left and went home, and I realized that you weren't coming back, I did not pursue. Obviously, now, from what you have said, I did not do what I had intended and was too stupid to realize your pain and suffering and that our time together in Tulsa had only exascerbated the problem.  I married in 1984 and we were together for 22 years and had one daughter. We separated in 2006 for various reasons and remain friends. My daughter and I are very close and, as I said before, she now lives with me. I did reunite with my 1st daughter about 7 years ago. She lives in CA. I later also spent a lot of time on the phone with her mother and spent a short time with her in person thereafter where we cleared up our past.      I remain physically sober to this day (emotionally, I am not sure. Some days are good, others, I pray a lot) but continue to do stupid things, but not on the order of magnitude as the past. I married a woman from GA in 2008. She had been married 7 times before but I was sure I would be able to "make it work". It didn't and I now live in Tenn with my dogs as I said before. Thank you for enlightening me on the severity of my sins. I am not feigning innocence, only ignorance. I now realize that I am nowhere near as good a man as I had come to think of myself. I have lived with the guilt of my past for many years and I continually ask God to forgive my sins and help me stay sober. He has kept me sober but I'm not sure of the rest. Now, I can only beg You for forgiveness for the harm I have done. Although this will be of  little comfort to you, know that I will live with this guilt magnified for the rest of my life. I am so, so sorry.   And yes, I am mainly left-handed. J -------------------------------------------------- I replied "Thank you" --------------------------------------------------- And finally, last night:

I have no idea why I answered, "Thank you."

On a certain level, your response read a little like a form letter; maybe that's because you replied so quickly and so thoroughly. And, If I understand correctly, you are now doing penance for your failed relationships on your 15 acre farm with your highly-educated daughter and your pets. And you feel really really bad.

What pisses me off is that you're still able to romanticize our interaction. I was a child and then a teenager. Look at your girl...would the same circumstances be okay for her? I want to palm smack you on the forehead.

Yes, I hear that you are truly sorry. It just bugged me to no end that I answered the way I did. You changed me forever while I suspect I was just part of a pattern for you. No amount of magical thinking, prayer, therapy, or tears to God makes what you did less of a crime.

Read the plot summary: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lolita

Dolores never really possessed any power of her own...

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I'm feeling very peaceful about now. So I'm off to shower and get ready for some family time that, I'm sure, will be interesting. It's highly unlikely that I will share that I've given myself such a precious gift....

Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Birthday, Cyber-Self. 

Cyber-Universe, let this be a lesson: The Great Whatever does, indeed, provide what you need. Pack up your Egos, be genuinely grateful and allow Humility into your hearts. You'll know when your Blessings come.

BTW, my cousin builds catapults (he calls them something else though) for chunkin' pumpkins. We really should spend more time together!