Many Mini Ephifanies

Gonna try this on my iPad...kinda sucking already. Ha. Oh well. So it goes.

Interesting couple of weeks on a lot of levels. I would have to liken it to an arc...naw, then it would be a series of arcs. I had a space of time that I felt increasingly lighter emotionally. Then, smack, I hit the glass like a dumbass robin. But it's all good. I get it. There's some definite parallel issues going on. I left behind the Addict and I really need a means of bridging the chasm between me and my sons. There's just got to be some way....I just wish it would be sooner than later. As for letting someone else's addictions dictate the quality of my Life, I'm still learning to say, "No." (I just wished I had changed jobs earlier...and that's all I can say about that. Pfffft.)

The day before Valentine's was surprisingly tough. I think it started with my previous post; I came across family pics from our Last Happy Summer while looking for floral photos. I miss my guys. I miss being able to just talk. Just be. Just be a Goofy Mom who leaves candy, cards, and teddy bears for her adult stepsons. At least I evolved the Easter Basket into Giant Chip Bowl of Candy. I always, from the get-go, made sure the boys had plenty of treats at every holiday. It's only now that I see the fundamental flaw.

My boys' mother died during Holy Week and because she was Catholic, her funeral was a full week after her death. It was an emotional torture like none other. I developed gastritis that would take more than a year to heal. I was so connected in her transition but had to stay away right after. People might talk. (But they did anyway.) Every moment away from the boys was so painful; the little I had heard said to the boys freaked me out. I knew what it was like to have my mother die and I sure as Hell wouldn't tell a child that their mother is a star in the sky!!! Or that God needed her....that'll keep them pissed for a lifetime. Every cell of my body was screaming to be with them.

As for their father? We were all taking turns making sure he didn't drink himself to death or od on her meds or get out one of several guns he owned. It was fucking Hell. (btw, editing on this iPad SUCKS...too hard to tap into text...I'm an idiot.) "We" being my Ex's mother, her mother, and a few of his male friends. Everyone else sat back and decided I must be a gold digger...? Your welcome for me being the one to wipe a dying woman's ass so you wouldn't have to.

And all of this sorrow happened at Easter. So from that point on I overcompensated ALL holidays; repeating the unhealthy effort to "make" sad people happy. Didn't work on my father, didn't work on my sister, my Ex, the boys, my ex-boss...anyone! And I've come to see just how much I prevented my boys from learning to be happy on their own. As long as I held things together, provided structure (mostly ignored or rebelled), the longer I was delaying true growth for all three of them. (luckily Cecilia was born happy and eerily centered) I was 25 when I took it all on...sure wished I had some reliable support but as they say, "you can wish in one hand..." Wishing on the past is worse than wishing on a lottery ticket; never a Winner.

I'm grateful for the lesson. Maybe that was the necessary shift towards building those bridges. I really need to exorcise my anger. Makes it too easy to "practice" on other relationships that might feel the same but really have nothing in common. Too easy to take on bullshit that has nothing to do with me...if I really cared, I should just pray for them and let it go. Ha. Guess I do cuz I did.

So, for today, I have Faith.

The other arcs have been in my professional life. I'm eager for routine. Reinvention might be one of my Life skills; I'd just as well learn a hobby or even read a book! Ha. I love that I will have 2 more Special kids to work with and I wish I could do that full- time. Since that is a future possibility, I'm having to find money in some unexpected places..ew...that didn't sound right lol. I'm considering taking hours at Massage Envy (!) and I fully expect to have an angry mob of MTs on our yard because I have betrayed the Independents. It's the equivalent of McD's of massage. It'll be interesting at the very least. So it goes.

Cyber-Self, don't use the iPad for blogging. You thought your posture sucked at a desk, sitting in a recliner typing with one hand, holding the tablet with the other is much much worse. Now you know; experiment fail.

I'm letting the rain take care of everything else today. Muah!

Cyber-Universe...I love that my Chunking field is infinitely tiny to Your infinite Awesomeness. And thank you for bringing my godparents to my house today! And for the great chat with my Dad!