A Flower Finally, A Lily No Less

You Can Never Know What Lies in the Heart of Another

Ha! I said I wouldn't use the iPad to blog...doing it. I said I wanted to work on NJ based art...avoiding it? Probably. I keep finding photos that stop me in my tracks.

The image above uses only two photos from a series of six or so. I must have been checking out the motion capture doohickey. We were at a fundraiser in Philly and it was just before I left for Texas. My daughter had to hear, several times at this event, what great news it was that I was divorcing and going home. I know she thought it was rude of people to say that in front of her. She's right! But...unless you know what to look for in her eyes, you'd never know she was barely maintaining patience. I know I pissed her off a couple of times that day. Everything was transitional and awkward.

My Lenten sacrifice is to give up "if only..." thinking. So far, so good, although it's sometimes more like not thinking of pink elephants. I'm at least noticing that I'm not nearly as bad as I was in Philly. I could spend days just vibrating in place with stress and hoping something magical would change everything. These days its more about getting ahead a little instead of breaking even. There's some shuffling around with my schedule/revenue coming soon so that will be a distraction.

And I've eliminated at some point, without even noticing, any kind of wishful thinking regarding the past. There just isn't any of the gut wrenching regret I experienced in my teens and twenties. (My thirties were just too damn overwhelming and stressful.) I can feel bad about outcomes without regretting the catalysts for change. No matter how much I miss my children, I've never harbored any "if only I hadn't..." thoughts about leaving their father.

I'm almost drifting off to sleep; another "minus" for writing on the iPad vs sitting at my desk.

Cyber-Self, good for you for trying out a whole new realm of people this weekend . What a blast and a Blessing. And c'mon, it's much easier now because you're not carrying the bag of rocks around. Good stuff.

Cyber-Universe, as my title suggests, no one can ever truly know my thoughts. Be prepared for me to protect my boundaries. I let a lot of rude BS slip by unanswered last year and that era has passed.

Many Mini Ephifanies

Gonna try this on my iPad...kinda sucking already. Ha. Oh well. So it goes.

Interesting couple of weeks on a lot of levels. I would have to liken it to an arc...naw, then it would be a series of arcs. I had a space of time that I felt increasingly lighter emotionally. Then, smack, I hit the glass like a dumbass robin. But it's all good. I get it. There's some definite parallel issues going on. I left behind the Addict and I really need a means of bridging the chasm between me and my sons. There's just got to be some way....I just wish it would be sooner than later. As for letting someone else's addictions dictate the quality of my Life, I'm still learning to say, "No." (I just wished I had changed jobs earlier...and that's all I can say about that. Pfffft.)

The day before Valentine's was surprisingly tough. I think it started with my previous post; I came across family pics from our Last Happy Summer while looking for floral photos. I miss my guys. I miss being able to just talk. Just be. Just be a Goofy Mom who leaves candy, cards, and teddy bears for her adult stepsons. At least I evolved the Easter Basket into Giant Chip Bowl of Candy. I always, from the get-go, made sure the boys had plenty of treats at every holiday. It's only now that I see the fundamental flaw.

My boys' mother died during Holy Week and because she was Catholic, her funeral was a full week after her death. It was an emotional torture like none other. I developed gastritis that would take more than a year to heal. I was so connected in her transition but had to stay away right after. People might talk. (But they did anyway.) Every moment away from the boys was so painful; the little I had heard said to the boys freaked me out. I knew what it was like to have my mother die and I sure as Hell wouldn't tell a child that their mother is a star in the sky!!! Or that God needed her....that'll keep them pissed for a lifetime. Every cell of my body was screaming to be with them.

As for their father? We were all taking turns making sure he didn't drink himself to death or od on her meds or get out one of several guns he owned. It was fucking Hell. (btw, editing on this iPad SUCKS...too hard to tap into text...I'm an idiot.) "We" being my Ex's mother, her mother, and a few of his male friends. Everyone else sat back and decided I must be a gold digger...? Your welcome for me being the one to wipe a dying woman's ass so you wouldn't have to.

And all of this sorrow happened at Easter. So from that point on I overcompensated ALL holidays; repeating the unhealthy effort to "make" sad people happy. Didn't work on my father, didn't work on my sister, my Ex, the boys, my ex-boss...anyone! And I've come to see just how much I prevented my boys from learning to be happy on their own. As long as I held things together, provided structure (mostly ignored or rebelled), the longer I was delaying true growth for all three of them. (luckily Cecilia was born happy and eerily centered) I was 25 when I took it all on...sure wished I had some reliable support but as they say, "you can wish in one hand..." Wishing on the past is worse than wishing on a lottery ticket; never a Winner.

I'm grateful for the lesson. Maybe that was the necessary shift towards building those bridges. I really need to exorcise my anger. Makes it too easy to "practice" on other relationships that might feel the same but really have nothing in common. Too easy to take on bullshit that has nothing to do with me...if I really cared, I should just pray for them and let it go. Ha. Guess I do cuz I did.

So, for today, I have Faith.

The other arcs have been in my professional life. I'm eager for routine. Reinvention might be one of my Life skills; I'd just as well learn a hobby or even read a book! Ha. I love that I will have 2 more Special kids to work with and I wish I could do that full- time. Since that is a future possibility, I'm having to find money in some unexpected places..ew...that didn't sound right lol. I'm considering taking hours at Massage Envy (!) and I fully expect to have an angry mob of MTs on our yard because I have betrayed the Independents. It's the equivalent of McD's of massage. It'll be interesting at the very least. So it goes.

Cyber-Self, don't use the iPad for blogging. You thought your posture sucked at a desk, sitting in a recliner typing with one hand, holding the tablet with the other is much much worse. Now you know; experiment fail.

I'm letting the rain take care of everything else today. Muah!

Cyber-Universe...I love that my Chunking field is infinitely tiny to Your infinite Awesomeness. And thank you for bringing my godparents to my house today! And for the great chat with my Dad!

Baby Step

Just when I get an idea (to "process" new work from Shore florals), I'm hitting emotional obstacles. My first attempt (above) seems to be more about obscuring just how beautiful it was there... but that was another time. I'm pointing the finger at myself; I was the one who decided it was Time to Change. And even if I feel rock-solid about that decision, it doesn't mean I won't have heart pangs looking through the photos.

But I guess that's the whole point of the project: to process the heartache of a marriage/family that failed to thrive. To say goodbye to the past.

Probably not the best idea to start on a gloomy, cold, rainy day! (BUT... I got to babysit an infant for a little bit. She fell asleep on my shoulder... maybe some of the emotions are coming from the oxytocin!)

Cyber-Self: Kudos for getting your chores done first, hugs for the sadness, and respect for the effort to reconcile it all.

Punkin-Chunkin: It's so hard to resist certain types of social networking "bait". I'm just not in the mood for controversy but I also don't want to be run over either. I'm worried that if I ignore jabs then I become an easy target. So... let's just Punkin-Chunk that right now.

Yesterday's Horoscope

Posted by my SagDragon Twin:

Wednesday, Feb 8th, 2012 -- You know where you stand in the world today now that the Moon is in your 10th House of Public Responsibility. You have more confidence about what you're doing at work, but this doesn't mean you should hide any feelings of uncertainty. In fact, sharing your vulnerability now might open a doorway to a beautiful experience with someone very special. Don't let an opportunity get away from you; tell a friend or loved one how important he or she is to you when you have the chance.

I don't know what the astrologer meant by "Public Responsibility" but I know my SGT and I share the same ideas. 18 years ago, we were ALL about holding our community responsible for our schools/neighborhoods/kids. But we weren't radical bitches about it; we just made ourselves visible. One or both of us attended every school meeting or event, we hosted parenting workshops w/behavioral experts, we monitored peer mediations, escorted wandering students back to their classes, sat with kids outside the principal's office...always with a baby on the hip or by the hand. Our babies were celebrities in that world. Now that they're grown, I can't even express the Joy I feel for our children. We didn't raise them; the community did and it shows. I'm sure that's why my girl isn't all caught up in family neuroses or drama or judgements about people. She's never had to vie for attention nor has she really wanted too much of it. She's so... grounded.

When my daughter last visited, we fell into a routine of me falling asleep on the couch with my feet tucked under her while she played games on my iPad. I love love love that feeling. So peaceful, so grounded, without worry. Sleep came instantly! Yum.

So I guess my point is that Public Responsibility, despite the heavy tone (especially as a proper noun!), can be about letting the Public be responsible for you. We might moan and groan about the scrutiny but ultimately, we all want to be accepted and appreciated. We want to be seen as uniquely qualified for the Life we are living.

I almost didn't attend our monthly Chamber of Commerce lunch today but decided to go at the last minute. I loved standing in line for food and looking around the crowd for familiar faces because I always see more each time. I love collecting hugs. This month's host business gave the sponsor's table to local 4H/FFA students to promote their annual show and auction... inspiring! And I won a door prize; a bouquet of flowers in a coffee mug. Public Responsibility is even nicer with gifts, both tangible and abstract. Yum.

Cyber-Self: only follow the horoscopes you like!

Hmm...Punkin Chunkin... if I can use a rubber band to shoot away the teeny-tiny bit of cosmic trash dust, is it really technically a "Chunkin"?

Eureka!

I just got the theme for my next Shutterfly book for Dad. I gave him one at Christmas that had "Book I" in the title so therefore, I have to at least have a "Book II!"

For this one, I'm gonna just dig in and work with photo material from my studio down the Jersey Shore. Above is a photo taken through a project; some of the rice paper paintings (2 are in the previous post) are visible. My workspace took half of the deconstructed 2nd floor (an effort to make the house a duplex was dropped mid-project...much like everything else in our lives...sigh).

Some of the space was for painting and I had kids over occasionally to create masterpieces. Some of the space was a recreation of my performance flooring I had in Philly and the rest was sort of a guest room. There wasn't a bathroom upstairs and no internal staircase....a real pain if you need to pee.

I never actually "played" with Photoshop down the Shore. I would save it for art-time in Philly. The Shore was for painting and construction of nifty gifts. (My daughter and I would raid the dollar store for frames/boxes/flowers, add seashells...we rocked the glue gun for a few Christmas'!) And it was for locking the studio door and working on performance pieces/improv for the opening of the Season in September. Philadelphia's Fringe Festival was the kick off and I was lucky enough to be a part of the first three seasons; two of which had me performing in a 24hr solo installation pieces. (I literally lived in my work and performed when the mood struck.) What a Golden Time.

It all ended 9/11. The years after weren't the same and my work turned inward. I rarely shared the studio and it fell into being a junk space. I had lost the job that allowed me to stay in Jersey all summer. I spent more and more time away from my husband (who refused to work) and kids because they could stay (literally) from the last day of school to the day before the next school year. My Ex only came to the city for a day at a time here and there during the summer and complained that I wasn't able to go because I was working. And thus began the slide away from each other....

So there. I have a creative directive: revisit the photos (95% of which are florals) and "smell" the time. Make it Matter. (ooo...kind of a pun when it's a proper noun...groovy)

"The Wavy Gravy Groovy Birthday Tie-Dye Extravaganza!"

Any Facebook Friend of my Boo's knows that he had a great birthday yesterday. I had given him a tie-dye kit for Christmas and we bought cotton hankies for our first project. I have to smile just thinking about it all...another forever "snapshot" that I will cherish. A vignette that reflects and evokes all that we are together: child-like, spontaneous, curious, inventive...I'm sure I'm being redundant. 'Not sure if any of our neighbors observed our party in the backyard. All that was missing was funny hats. We baby-talk (he swears it's Elmer Fudd but...no, it's not!) and we had all kinds of fun chatter about what we were doing while we were doing it. The excitement of seeing our masterpieces on the clothesline had to be contagious. I have found my Last Love and Forever Friend. I trust him with my Life.

I know I sometimes come across as being morbid or, at the very least, too aware of my mortality. I attribute a lot of that to the factual timeline of my Life (I have, after all, cared for 5 (?) terminally ill people so far) and to my Mid-Life Crisis in 2008/2009. I did come home to Texas to die. It might be tomorrow or it could be 50 years from now...doesn't matter. I'm in the longitude and latitude best suited for my Eternal Soul. It's a total Bonus from God that I found Mark Brown and he is here! Haha...just occurred to me right this very moment: my Boo is throwing me the best bon voyage party of all time. Sweet.

Cyber-Self: ummm...nice entry but the day's gettin' away from you...shower, make calls, EAT something. XOXOXO

Punkin-Chunkin: Ever see those mini-Punkins they sell for autumn decor? Today's chunkin is for decorative purposes only. 'Still not jazzed that I'm still feeling editorial. So it goes.

Self-Adjustment

These quick "doodles" were fun. The original pics are of rice paper paintings I made for my studio windows down the Shore in Jersey. Beautiful light there.

My weekend was over-booked. I spent so much time out and about on Saturday (in cold, damp weather and/or steamy hat shop!) that I didn't do a damn thing on Sunday. Well...I did make it to church but only long enough to sing the anthem with the choir and then I split. It was nice to spend the day snuggled in.

Saturday (and actually part of late Friday night getting ready) was so long, it actually felt like a series of vignettes rather a continuous day. I hadn't seen most folks since before the holidays so it was really nice to share lots of hugs and kisses. It was equally nice to meet some new folks. I love where I live.

I did wake up today pondering a couple of concepts: 1) "fake it 'til you make it" and 2) simple things that always trump sophistication....

Some social behavior can definitely be "faked" until it can be "made" and is totally acceptable: confidence, patience, gregariousness, good manners. Given the brevity of most encounters, a superficial first impression is okay. Does the lady at the cash register really need to know what you think? Of course not but why not smile anyway? Personally, I'm patient in lines and have no hesitation with being friendly with strangers...(but I'm no dope either.)

Two attributes that can't be faked: sincerity and credibility. 'Feels a little apple-and-orange; I guess "sincere" is something you are versus "credible" which is more about others' opinions. Either way, if a person doesn't have both of those they are SOL with the general public AND their friends and family.

Sincerity does sometimes get confused with sensitivity and maybe some folks I know just don't want to appear weak? Or maybe they sincerely don't care! Either way, sincerity (or lack of) can be transparent... kinda seques into trust. Some of the most challenging personalities in my life are if anything, sincere, and that keeps us friends. I'd rather deal with someone who is irrationally sincere than someone who is rationally insincere. (brrrrrr!)

As for credibility, once you lose it, good luck earning it back.

If Life has allowed a person to be both sincere and credible in the eyes of those around them, those qualities trump education, age, status (mostly sort of), and even reputation.

Cyber-Self: The vignettes are actually snapshots that are forever saved in your memory; maybe someday you can write about them. 'Sorry you're feeling self-(blog)conscious. *sigh*

Punkin-Chunk: Poverty. It doesn't matter what's actually in the bank, it's how I feel about it.

Good Life

Yes! My appointment book is filling up with steady, weekly work AND new clients. (whew) I know it's too soon to feel relief but hey, I've been crunching numbers daily for quite awhile. (Probably always will!) It's just good to see progress on the spreadsheet.

I met my CP client for the first time. Wow. What a challenge. She's almost too mobile but has a very cheery disposition...just gotta stay aware. She was so upset that I wasn't her usual therapist. But my magical, musical Zenvi saved the day and we had a nice session eventually. I found out afterwards that a few therapists only visited once. Mother and daughter are so closely intertwined; if Mom was uptight, daughter cried. Mom finally relaxed, daughter and I had a few good laughs. I feel happy about going back. What an awesome source of income. I wouldn't mind having a few more clients from HCT.

It's turned into a lazy, cloudy day so I felt obliged to make something. I have 3 clients tonight so I don't want to take on any projects...better to look busy in the office than clean!

Cyber-Self: Stand. Check chair for laurels. Remove.

And I ain't got nuthin' to chunk today. This a very good thing and indicative of making the right choices....even if it took more than a year to do so. So it goes.