The Distance Between Us

My father has a Master's Degree in Filmmaking from UT. He earned it during the most challenging time of his life. My sister and I were his Witnesses for some of the hardest parts. He might have been 30-31 when he finished his thesis.

My mother was killed in a car accident in November 1970, roughly 2 1/2 weeks before my 6th birthday. Dad was nearing the end of grad school at the time. I think he had been working on a film about being separated by War. He had a lot of footage of my mother and tape recordings that they used to send to one another during Vietnam. I love the home movies of the Early Years of their marriage...my mom looks like she had a great sense of humor. Good stuff.

At 28, Dad didn't know he was on the cusp of finding out that there IS something much worse than being away from the one you love: Complete Absence Forever Eternally. Of course with Tragic Events, we never know we're on the cusp until we fall or get kicked off of it. The pain is indescribable and the Ego is lost in shock.

My father's thesis film? "SANDI: A film by Fred Meredith." It's a film about a filmmaker making a film about losing his wife. One lesson I've taken away from multiple viewings of "SANDI" is that my interpretations of my father's work shift depending on my age and the audience with me. Only after I passed the age of 28 and had a daughter did some sections even matter to me. 'Scenes in which my mother's autopsy report is read for narration. 'Scenes of her crashed Volkswagon with blood on the seat. Scenes of Dad racing to the hospital (re-enacted for the film.) As a child, I had no clue but the Imagery throughout the film had always intrigued me. I think I "get it" now....

One memory I have of the filming was a scene with me and my sister. It was the anniversary of my mother's death and we were at her grave (which is on our property btw). Our directive was to put flowers around her cedar cross. I have the impression that Dad was irritated because I wasn't sad enough. I was a total Goofball at 6-going-on-7 (and at 46-going-on-47!) so that would make perfect sense.

Mostly though, the film evokes for me a time when my father was surrounded by dozens of interesting, nice, creative people. Everyone was so good to us! The movie is really their collective collaboration with Dad. They balanced it all out for us emotionally...or at least they seemed to try. I love seeing everyone on film. Those Friendly Freaky Hippies were magical to a kid like me.

My sister and I weren't allowed to go camping with the crew for shoots but everyone spent a lot of time in our swimming pool afterward. We were allowed to go with Dad to shoot time lapse of sunsets and sunrises. (A whole 'nother entry cuz it was '70's technology...so yes, he stood there and shot frames one at a time.) And we were also "allowed" (haha) to be with Dad for the bulk of the editing; often as late as 1 or 2am...! Finding "something to do" in a university hallway or office for hours made me the creative soul I am today. I do believe boredom is deadly... I am a survivor. I remember Dad saying something about how we girls were already in college. 'Felt like it. We were the smarter for it.

So why say all of this now? When I wrote some of this long-hand, I honestly had no idea. When I reached the end though, I totally went OFF on an individual....I shocked myself! So, after some reflection, here is my answer:

20-somethings out there: develop an Attitude of Gratitude. Look around and realize that all of us will leave this Earthly plane and there really is NO TIME to waste on superficial, immature BS. But also know this: I can't wait to see who you are at 30-something, 40-something. We will be glad (for the most part) that we stayed acquainted... at least that's my hunch. My love is parental; firm in what I think is right but patient and always loving.

Whew...so GLAD I got this done this morning. I have so many things to do and I was getting a little anxious about not fulfilling this MDR. Awesome.

Cyber-Universe, drink lots of water and rub ice cubes on the necks of over-heated loved ones, including yourself! Cyber-Self, you really need to find some aloe vera cuz Grrlfriend you had too much fun and too much sun yesterday.