A Sense of Progress

Tomorrow is the day-long celebration of my Aunt Lil's 90th Birthday. Because she is so very connected to family, church, community, it's likely to be overwhelming for her… I've been quietly avoiding the hub-bub at the far side of the property. I love my cousins. 'Especially one at a time! I'd like to think I'm keeping myself "fresh" for my photography duties tomorrow. I'm just glad I got the 'Hut sparkling clean tonight. It put me in the mood to listen to classical music and do some arting.

So that's my superficial shit; the stuff that matters as far as whether I'm present or not. My outward focus on the workings of each day. I noticed I posted about this time last Friday…obviously I'm not out and about. 'Can't really afford to and not much interested in going out alone. Nope. Not too much going on here…

Everything is going on here! There's so much Major Shit going on in my head, my heart, my soul…it's a fucking Miracle I keep the superficial shit operational. Dayum. More than once lately, I've looked skyward and asked the Great Whatever, "Why? Why now? Why him? Why here? "Why me?"

And I get the same basic answer: because I'm uniquely qualified to live the Life I've been given. I'll always feel the pull of Deceased Mothers and all of their Intentions. I'll always find comfort in being in proximity of where my ancestors stood. Or at least those ancestors I feel most connected to… And I'll always be willing to play the Muse, the symbol of Some Great Man's Inner Rage…to a certain extent of course. I got verbally blasted last night and it was, ultimately, a very interesting experience. There was a point when I was crying that I realized I wasn't crying for ME; I was crying for him? his mother when his father did the same thing? I really don't know. I'm not qualified to know. But it felt like it needed to happen. There were little giveaways that I'd been "set up" to a certain extent and that was okay for some reason. All I felt in my heart was sadness and the need to provide a Safe Place for his Rage to ignite, burn, and become ash. It did.

We parted amicably. I think we were both a little shocked by that. We have plans to touch base on Sunday (I KNOW he'll be literal in his recognition of my words as I left); I cancelled tonight.

Smooth Sailing and other Cliches

I do have to admit to hitting a sort of snag in creativity; quarterly reports for my Special Needs clients always does a number on me. I spend hours staring at my screen because I have this odd anxiety with documenting my clients' progress…maybe because I understand the importance. Since moving into the 'Hut, the problem has only become worse. It really has been the one and only true downside to living here: a total lack of self-discipline with "paperwork" of any sort.

OH! Today I attacked a phobia! I've been afraid to inflate my tires because I made one explode once and, after driving around too long w the "Low Tire Pressure" sensor nagging me, I finally pulled Trusty up to air today and got it DONE. Yes, it's a stupid phobia but it was enough for me to consider all kinds of silly solutions before I just finally did it. I think my fabulous Date Night might have made me brave…

Since I've promised myself to cut any romantic chatter, I will limit myself. Things are finally starting to feel "right" interpersonally with a Special Special Man. I think I can set aside my neurotic self-sabotaging for the time being and just enjoy…today. There's likely to be more "roller-coastering" (just made that up) but I feel confident about hanging with the "ride".

And I am so grateful to the Great Whatever (and perhaps some special "helpers"?) for swinging the Great Pendulum in my direction. I love where I live, I love the good cousins I'm sharing Life with, I love my clients, and even though I'm so far from them, I love my children more than ever…my Love Cup is definitely brimming. Today. Being the Brat that I am, I'm sure I'll come up with some perio-menapausal wacky BS reason to decide the Great Pendulum is swinging away again. 'Totally my M-O.

Mood Slide...

I'm generally good-natured as far a Nature goes but I'm wondering if the mud surrounding my 'Hut has me feeling pissed. Okay. That ain't it. Maybe I'm just feeling less than good-natured. Sometimes I'm not  a very Good Sport.

I'm Just a Social (Network) Butterfly

I should teach a class. Honestly. Maybe it was all of those hours of business networking in Philly and when I first moved to Lockhart; I've just learned a lot of what NOT to do on FB. So here's my advice:

- Never complain about your business, your health, your finances, or any entity (religious, political, "lifestyle choice" et al).
- Complaining about the weather, your car, your sick pet or child…perfectly fine…in moderation.
- Never make family announcements without expressed permission to do so. Wise with anyone…
- Only "Like" positive, neutral posts. Photos of babies, funny animals, great art/music are always a "win" but when in doubt, don't do anything…unless you want folks to see it.
- Actively support and promote businesses, artists, family but ONLY if it's a sincere endorsement or demonstration of encouragement. (I quit "liking" a photographer whose work…well…kinda sucked. 'Occurred to me finally that I wasn't doing either one of us a favor.)
- Be sincere. Don't "like" every photo or honor every birthday if you're just not into it.

That's all I can think of for now… I've managed to procrastinate away another hour. Pffft. Effing reports for work. Sucks.

Back in "Normal" Time

I'm a little surprised that it's been more than a week since posting…I was on a roll there for awhile. I guess NOT blogging about certain people and topics might limit output. I've been keeping a handwritten journal for my…romantic thingamajig. I figure it will be at least of source of amusement for him one day; it already is for me.

Financial crises have been avoided for now. But, boy howdy, it wouldn't take me too much to get all mad about it. It really sucks that I "invested" in such an abject Failure. It's not just the money, it's the LACK of thought that counts. Knowing what I know now, would I have done anything differently? Financially, of course. Emotionally? Well, it's pretty obvious that I'm a Sucker so probably not. Pfffft. Regret sucks.

And I'm glad to be feeling less and less of it since I (finally) came Home. My heart knows I'm on the Right Track; I just need to keep my hands off the "wheel" so to speak.

Sunday Morning "Arting'