Random Act of Photoshop

Images are feeling a little…rote. That's ok. It's all Process. It's all good. Sometimes it's more about the Practice than the Product…especially since the "product" has no monetary value.

Last night I got thrown an emotional "curve ball"; ex-Boo's stepdad wrote me a note. I let myself cry for a few minutes, cleaned up my face, wrote him back and commenced to co-hosting our reg. Tuesday night here at home. I just can't let myself get sucked back into my anger. Why couldn't Boo see just how early (Dec. 2012) our relationship had been in danger? What stopped me from telling him? Oh snap. I did. Over and over. All I got was a bedroom of my own.

It's occurred to me since last night that there are two specific events that 1) completely changed my perspective and 2) few people seem to know/care/see the direct results of those events:
my 1st Bloys Camp Meeting, Aug. 2012 and my 2nd Bloys Camp Meeting, Aug. 2013.

Was I "born again" or something? No, not quite. (I did have a very big scare with my Aunt Lil; she passed out the first night of my first visit. The result: I now see her daily!) I definitely feel a stronger connection to the "Great Whatever" and I've felt dramatic changes in how I perceive myself and the people in my life. I attribute those changes more to context; I journaled a great deal both visits and had specific topics to ponder. The first year was all about reconciling the most painful parts of my past. I remember a sermon regarding sin and how confession to God is just the beginning of what we should do…by confessing to others (when appropriate), we can let the past teach us. We can be consoled, supported and we can confront and reconcile. I did just that: I confronted the man who took my virginity when I was 13. That demon is dead (symbolically) and my relationship with my dad has been salvaged.

The first year also brought me much closer to my extended family. It'd been since childhood that I've enjoyed being a part of the greater good. They've shown me the love and positive reinforcement that was sorely absent in Lockhart.

By the time my 2nd trip to Camp Meeting was planned, my domestic relationship had sunk to new lows. I was at a loss as to what I should do. Out of all of my journaling and thinking and un-thinking, I came away with a clear directive: do nothing. So when I got back to Lockhart, that's what I did. I didn't put any energy in any direction other than the tasks at hand…time would decide. And it did. Dad had his heart attack and triple bypass and the resulting deterioration in my relationship with Boo finally tipped the scales. While I'll always wish for a healthier departure, there's no doubt that it was time to go. If he didn't see me as "family" then he just didn't "get it" and likely never would. I was worth fighting for. We were worth fighting for.

And now I just have to let the last of all of that go… I'll let myself have little cries and "moments" but I refuse to stay angry. I just can't afford it.