Anniversaries-PS

I was just soaking in my COLD water redneck spa out back and I got to thinkin'... (it was just before dawn and I got to see the first bee come to the flowers next me). I've been too negative. I make God sound like a Jewish mother...constantly pressing a person towards self-actualization; nagging in hopes that we "figure it out". Naw. That element is really just (my) Bratty Ego.

Very soon after moving here 2 years ago, I remember realizing the myriad of Ironies I found myself in: I was surrounded by individuals who, at whatever levels, were a part of the Most Damaging Years of My Life. I was face-to-face with a man who had been keen on high school girls; luckily (?) I had already been a victim of another Perv and easily thwarted him...twice. He fucked my Life in other ways though so it didn't make any difference. And I was face-to-face with folks who honestly, truly, deeply believed that I had been a Nice Girl back then. I didn't have to want to evaluate those Years because it was being done FOR me. The lessons have been very gentle for the most part and have been about removing Guilt, Anger, Grief.

Plus, I seem to have come home just in time to be apart of the other peoples' Major Life Changes. The fact that I make them my own is how I show my Love. I obviously need to work on that for my own sake which would make it all a Lesson in Learning How to Love Well.

In my heart, I have to credit God. I have no other adequate explanation.

Cyber-Universe and Cyber-Self: Happy Monday. Stay cool. Stay focused. Admit what you do not know but don't plead ignorance. Sincerity trumps finesse any day. XO

Anniversaries

I have NO business sitting down to write at this moment. There's so many little things for me to take care of and I'm finding out that my Inner Brat really can take over....whatever.

This Sunday is my dad's 70th birthday. It is also the 2nd Anniversary of when I left Philly; we loaded the UHaul, said goodbye, and drove away. Life would never be the same. (I'm starting to feel some tears coming...I might include a photo of my daughter taken that day. It's eerily cheerful.)

And it marks the 10th Anniversary of The Very Last Days of Family Life Finally Feeling Perfect. Through Labor Day, September 2001, we had enjoyed 3 blissful summers at the Jersey Shore because we got to live in our house there between July and Labor Day. I worked for the Opera Company of Philadelphia in education and I only worked during the school year. My Ex worked for the IRS for some of that, with a schedule that allowed for 3 day weekends. The kids were 8, 15, and 17 and all still in school. Our homes and car were paid for. We only needed to keep up with insurance, utilities and taxes. I got my first tattoo to celebrate my new freedom as I was no longer caring for my mother-in-law (she was deceased) and my Ex was no longer drinking. My Texas family visited us frequently in NJ. Life was so fucking GOOD.

9/11 exploded that Life into itty bitty bits. I went into a slobbering, hysterical rant at one point that day when I foresaw nothing but misery in the days ahead. I was stupid for being glued to the news and for being a Sucker. I would not recover from being forced to watch the murder of thousands. War is inevitable. I would turn out mean like my grandmother because I would have to wait at home while my sons were taken away to risk their lives. Everything would suck from here on out. And I was proven right on so many points that it's hard to tell if it was a self-fulfilling prophesy or not.

I was laid off from the Opera Co. between Thanksgiving and Christmas, 2002, while my son Brian was in Iraq, serving as a Medic. Our other son was so far in Outer Space...it was so very painful to watch. He was arrested twice. The Ex decided he didn't want to work full time (or, as it turns out, sorta ever...!). I don't even need to bring up money.... The only ray of sunshine of course was my girl.

Sidebar: I wonder how many people in Philly are perceptive enough to know that THIS was the Beginning of the End of My Marriage? I doubt it. It took me quite awhile to figure that out for myself. From 9/11 forward, the news was on nearly 24/7 on the TV in our bedroom. If that doesn't fuck up the "chi", I don't know what would! We were doomed as a family and nobody really cared or had the initiative to change. We all just sat down and got lost in our heads. I fantasized about winning the lottery.

I did however, get the initiative to go to massage school. And then I started to write this blog.

Maybe this explains the anger that sometimes erupts from me, especially with young folks. Some of the wounds of that day will never heal and that was exactly what the terrorists wanted. It's almost like seeing an atomic bomb from very far away...it'll burn into your eyes, your skin but it won't kill you...yet.

Moving to Texas has probably added years to my Life.

At the moment, I'm very wrapped up emotionally in family health/age/care drama. 'Making long phone calls and feeling tired. I had asked God once, after my mother-in-law passed, to make sure my kids were grown before I had to start worrying about this stuff...(I'm feeling the deja-vu of a writing redundancy suddenly...sorry) 'Got my wish in case anyone DID'T hear me kvetching about it at length. I gotta stop with the "woe is me" BS, especially in public. But then I think (as my Inner Brat) "WTF?!?!?! It hasn't been a month since Cecilia left, I found out about my Dad's illness, Robert died, and now my godparents are teetering on hospitalization?!?!? Really?!?!?"

Yes, Cyber-Self...really. That's just how Life works. Now wrap things up and get yourself moving. Inner Brat needs to nap already lol.

Cyber-Universe, I would never suggest that the earthquakes, hurricanes, and drought are in any way a result of who were are in God's eyes, though how it all shapes us is/can be spiritually relevant. I've never really felt punished by God so much as tested. That might not always be the case because I can't predict the future; for now I'll continue to do my best to feel connected to Greater Good.

Kisses. -D

The Shift and the Swing of the Pendulum now make sense...

Sort of. But sometimes that's the best we can do. We hang in there, process things as best we can, and move forward. 'Looks like there's a Regular Routine in my near future... awesome. I could use more structure AND more income. I'm trying not to be too pissed at God for the length, breadth, scope, timeline of all of this Life Change Stuff but whatever. I still have enough Inner Pollyanna...

'though you wouldn't know it by the end of my last post, Cyber-Universe! Wow. That definitely had an Emotional Charge and not a happy one. Hmmm. I would never dream of apologizing because this is a blog. Plus documented bits of Rage can be very educational, Cyber-Self. These days I'm keeping some cards closer to my chest, so to speak. 'Seems like a wise move. Relationship poker lol?

Just because recent themes now make sense doesn't mean that they are "done". The Shift has just passed cresting: Robert has passed away and we are emotionally re-building. My job will expand because one receptionist quit. We're financially living moment to moment.

The Pendulum has brought me to a moment in time that I had actually asked for: I wanted my children to be grown before I'd have to consider or be involved in my father's health (and his mortality...some day). My daughter turns 18 on Saturday. I found out about my Dad's Parkinson's the day she flew back to Philly a few weeks ago. I'm not nearly as upset as I was but Robert's death has me melancholy and that drags things into worry...it's like mud. Worry sticks to me, weighs me down, and leaves prints everywhere. I share that transparency with my Boo's mom. *aha* Maybe that's why soaking in my "redneck spa" has been so helpful: I'm symbolically washing off my Mental Mud...pretty awesome. (Total Sidebar:Professionally, I'm wondering about the effect of soaking in below 80F water on chronic pain/inflammation i.e. fibromyalgia, arthritis, Crohn's even. I'm my own "guinea pig" for the time being. Yum.)

And in all of this shifting and swinging, the landscape of my relationships are changed considerably and most definitely for the better. 'Still have challenges out there; personalities I haven't quite dealt with but I've been thinking on it (in the "spa" no less!) One positive, immediate outcome after a death is Perspective. If some folks want to make the same ol' shitty mistakes over and over then there's really nothing for me to do or to worry about. I pray for the ones I love and I support their efforts...when they make them. If they don't care, I will try to back off.

So I kinda repeated the same line of thought as the last post: I've ended this on a negative note. Hmmm. Maybe it's my way of saying, "You don't know what I'm thinking and you're not the boss of me!" And it's sufficiently cryptic, too. Bonus. Keep 'em guessin'! (Why I would need to be that way on my own blog is a mystery to me, too. 'Keep myself guessin'?!?!?! haha)

Cyber-Universe and Cyber-Self, I have nothing but Love for you. 'May not always sound like it but I do. Peace out home-skillets.

Probably too soon to Blog...

But what the heck. I'm still processing the last two weeks and I might as well capture the moment. I'm in a vortex of Big Life Stuff and none of it has anything to do with the rest of the world. It's challenging. 'Reminds me of how bad I was at jump rope as a kid; never could jump in with two twirlers. Bah.

Some events I/we obviously saw coming. We knew my Boo's brother was on his last days. 'Still felt like a surprise and it was kinda a frenetic scramble to get to Oklahoma. We drove with his parents.

The one thing I know for certain about Funeral Land: you can't predict just how it's all gonna work out. People will all have their own way of dealing. Let them do it. The second is that there's always a moment when you're gonna "lose it" and the funeral is the one time that it's completely appropriate to do so...within reason of course. I feel very bonded to my new family. There is undeniable and unconditional Love between us. I've seen them grieve and I mourn with them. Robert Brown has a place in my heart forever.

I was really taken back by the photo montage shown during Robert's funeral. There were a lot of photos I had taken during my 2 visits with him. It wasn't a flattery-thing so much as a realization that I had, indeed, documented the beginnings of his Transition. The first visit was when Robert got his diagnosis and the second was when he was recovering from having a feeding tube inserted. The first visit was with Boo. I got a lot of wonderful shots of the two of them playing guitar. The second visit I went alone. I volunteered to stay with him for a week while his wife worked (she needed to save her hours). We hardly stayed at home though and when we did, there was always some kind of drama or fun...not much in between. It was a week of adventure, mostly positive, some very negative but ALL of it worth it. (Album's on FB btw.)

What really really really has me all kinds of turned around is the major slip in my father's health. The whole family has noticed changes in the last year. Then Dad tells my sister he was diagnosed with Something Pretty Fucking Serious. But when asked by my aunt about it, Dad said that, "they were going to keep an eye on it" (whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean.) He also had a post-biopsy consult but wouldn't let my aunt sit in. Prognosis: "We're going to keep an eye on it". My aunt thinks I'm the one who should probably play Tough Cop and she's right I suppose. I'm certainly mad enough. He has slipped into Denial and I pray it's temporary. His wife is in Europe and will return shortly...we're all waiting to see what happens next. I found about his S.P.F.S. disease a couple hours after my daughter left for Philly. I felt lucky to have a day to myself to do all of my wailing and carrying-on so it was oddly okay that I got the news then. But that meant I was already exhausted when we heard about Robert dying. I'm pooped in all kinds of ways.

Cyber-Self, the Great Pendulum is always swinging and you know that. Hang in there.

Cyber-Universe, I'm fairly certain that you are capable of taking care of yourself.

For the individuals out there who don't have their Shit together and don't seem to care: you're wasting my time and your time. Git 'er done! No more excuses; you're only lying to yourself. So there. I said it. Namaste