Probably too soon to Blog...

But what the heck. I'm still processing the last two weeks and I might as well capture the moment. I'm in a vortex of Big Life Stuff and none of it has anything to do with the rest of the world. It's challenging. 'Reminds me of how bad I was at jump rope as a kid; never could jump in with two twirlers. Bah.

Some events I/we obviously saw coming. We knew my Boo's brother was on his last days. 'Still felt like a surprise and it was kinda a frenetic scramble to get to Oklahoma. We drove with his parents.

The one thing I know for certain about Funeral Land: you can't predict just how it's all gonna work out. People will all have their own way of dealing. Let them do it. The second is that there's always a moment when you're gonna "lose it" and the funeral is the one time that it's completely appropriate to do so...within reason of course. I feel very bonded to my new family. There is undeniable and unconditional Love between us. I've seen them grieve and I mourn with them. Robert Brown has a place in my heart forever.

I was really taken back by the photo montage shown during Robert's funeral. There were a lot of photos I had taken during my 2 visits with him. It wasn't a flattery-thing so much as a realization that I had, indeed, documented the beginnings of his Transition. The first visit was when Robert got his diagnosis and the second was when he was recovering from having a feeding tube inserted. The first visit was with Boo. I got a lot of wonderful shots of the two of them playing guitar. The second visit I went alone. I volunteered to stay with him for a week while his wife worked (she needed to save her hours). We hardly stayed at home though and when we did, there was always some kind of drama or fun...not much in between. It was a week of adventure, mostly positive, some very negative but ALL of it worth it. (Album's on FB btw.)

What really really really has me all kinds of turned around is the major slip in my father's health. The whole family has noticed changes in the last year. Then Dad tells my sister he was diagnosed with Something Pretty Fucking Serious. But when asked by my aunt about it, Dad said that, "they were going to keep an eye on it" (whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean.) He also had a post-biopsy consult but wouldn't let my aunt sit in. Prognosis: "We're going to keep an eye on it". My aunt thinks I'm the one who should probably play Tough Cop and she's right I suppose. I'm certainly mad enough. He has slipped into Denial and I pray it's temporary. His wife is in Europe and will return shortly...we're all waiting to see what happens next. I found about his S.P.F.S. disease a couple hours after my daughter left for Philly. I felt lucky to have a day to myself to do all of my wailing and carrying-on so it was oddly okay that I got the news then. But that meant I was already exhausted when we heard about Robert dying. I'm pooped in all kinds of ways.

Cyber-Self, the Great Pendulum is always swinging and you know that. Hang in there.

Cyber-Universe, I'm fairly certain that you are capable of taking care of yourself.

For the individuals out there who don't have their Shit together and don't seem to care: you're wasting my time and your time. Git 'er done! No more excuses; you're only lying to yourself. So there. I said it. Namaste