Broken Record

Hmm...Cyber-Universe. I seem to be stuck on a thought-train; I'm still going over eras in my life and wanting ALL 20-somethings to "get it." Of course then, I'm put in the position of defining what "get it" means and then think about the Why... sounds like too much work. To read or to write. Oh well.

The latest set of memories are of myself 30 years ago. (My Boo and I are nearing the 30th anniversary of when we kissed in Europe). I remember the months preceding that trip: I was living with my grandparents because my grandmother was terminally ill. I cooked for them, cleaned, and near the end of her life, I slept with Grandma and helped her use the bathroom. She died just before the trip.

In the last weeks of her life, my grandmother started sharing her codeine with me. We had a few awesomely lovely afternoons on the couch with the sun coming through the picture window. Yum. She even stroked my hair a few times just the way she used to when I was little. I share this because it's VITAL to understand that in times of Great Pain, there are moments of Beauty that are beyond expression. The fact that we did a drug was beside the point...mostly sorta.

After she died, I filled an aspirin bottle with codeine and took it with me to Europe. I enjoy hearing now about everyone else's perception of that trip. I remember soooo little. I was definitely "elsewhere". I didn't lose that otherness until after Grandpa died just over a year later. (And I betcha my sister remembers the "magic words" at his funeral...again...Great Beauty and at a funeral no less.)

It would be very easy to read this and think that on some level, I'm trying to "one up" everyone else's suffering. And that is exactly the point I want to make: it ain't all about you (or me). It just seems like the last two generations are so afraid of pain that it all becomes "avoidable". Back in my day, some folks wanted to die at home. There were enough family members around so it was a perfectly cool and reasonable request. Personally, I wouldn't have asked a 16 yr old to do it but that's just me. (smile) 'Love you Dad.

So one question is this: Would you allow someone to die in your home? And please...it's not a judgement; it's like asking if you're ready to have children or get married. Death will always always always be there. I'm just challenging you to look It in the eye and adjust your Inner Filter. (Or maybe I listen to too much Arcade Fire and Tv on the Radio - lol...just feels like an urgent message I need to share.)

And...btw...I was at a music store, across the street from my high school, when I realized my grandmother had died. I went straight to the choir room at school and picked up the message from the office. I gathered up my cousin and my sister. We were headin' to Manchaca before I realized the sequence of events. Pretty much happened the same way with Grandpa...I felt a "something". I just assume now that this is possible when you are bonded to a dying person.

I certainly felt pulled home when Uncle Odell went into hospice about 5 years ago. My plane from Philly arrived a few hours after he died. I had almost made it in time and I was pretty bummed I hadn't. I gave myself a few minutes to be sad at the airport before my sister picked me up and I headed straight to Aunt Lil's to help out. Cousins were everywhere and one handed me the phone with a note outlining the funeral arrangements and a message pad and pen. Hellos would happen later. That's just how it's done.

Hopefully, like a catchy pop song, this "tune" will finally leave my head. (haha Radiohead is playing....there really IS no hope for my brooding soul...jk! I do warn youngsters not to listen to too much Radiohead at one time... hehe)

So Cyber-Universe, it obviously takes me too many words to say what I mean. I certainly can't apologize but since it is work, to read and to write, I do so very much appreciate the effort.

And Cyber-Self: quit talking to the camera....HAHA

Stay cool, stay calm, stay funny, be human, be kind, be you. XO