Anniversaries

I have NO business sitting down to write at this moment. There's so many little things for me to take care of and I'm finding out that my Inner Brat really can take over....whatever.

This Sunday is my dad's 70th birthday. It is also the 2nd Anniversary of when I left Philly; we loaded the UHaul, said goodbye, and drove away. Life would never be the same. (I'm starting to feel some tears coming...I might include a photo of my daughter taken that day. It's eerily cheerful.)

And it marks the 10th Anniversary of The Very Last Days of Family Life Finally Feeling Perfect. Through Labor Day, September 2001, we had enjoyed 3 blissful summers at the Jersey Shore because we got to live in our house there between July and Labor Day. I worked for the Opera Company of Philadelphia in education and I only worked during the school year. My Ex worked for the IRS for some of that, with a schedule that allowed for 3 day weekends. The kids were 8, 15, and 17 and all still in school. Our homes and car were paid for. We only needed to keep up with insurance, utilities and taxes. I got my first tattoo to celebrate my new freedom as I was no longer caring for my mother-in-law (she was deceased) and my Ex was no longer drinking. My Texas family visited us frequently in NJ. Life was so fucking GOOD.

9/11 exploded that Life into itty bitty bits. I went into a slobbering, hysterical rant at one point that day when I foresaw nothing but misery in the days ahead. I was stupid for being glued to the news and for being a Sucker. I would not recover from being forced to watch the murder of thousands. War is inevitable. I would turn out mean like my grandmother because I would have to wait at home while my sons were taken away to risk their lives. Everything would suck from here on out. And I was proven right on so many points that it's hard to tell if it was a self-fulfilling prophesy or not.

I was laid off from the Opera Co. between Thanksgiving and Christmas, 2002, while my son Brian was in Iraq, serving as a Medic. Our other son was so far in Outer Space...it was so very painful to watch. He was arrested twice. The Ex decided he didn't want to work full time (or, as it turns out, sorta ever...!). I don't even need to bring up money.... The only ray of sunshine of course was my girl.

Sidebar: I wonder how many people in Philly are perceptive enough to know that THIS was the Beginning of the End of My Marriage? I doubt it. It took me quite awhile to figure that out for myself. From 9/11 forward, the news was on nearly 24/7 on the TV in our bedroom. If that doesn't fuck up the "chi", I don't know what would! We were doomed as a family and nobody really cared or had the initiative to change. We all just sat down and got lost in our heads. I fantasized about winning the lottery.

I did however, get the initiative to go to massage school. And then I started to write this blog.

Maybe this explains the anger that sometimes erupts from me, especially with young folks. Some of the wounds of that day will never heal and that was exactly what the terrorists wanted. It's almost like seeing an atomic bomb from very far away...it'll burn into your eyes, your skin but it won't kill you...yet.

Moving to Texas has probably added years to my Life.

At the moment, I'm very wrapped up emotionally in family health/age/care drama. 'Making long phone calls and feeling tired. I had asked God once, after my mother-in-law passed, to make sure my kids were grown before I had to start worrying about this stuff...(I'm feeling the deja-vu of a writing redundancy suddenly...sorry) 'Got my wish in case anyone DID'T hear me kvetching about it at length. I gotta stop with the "woe is me" BS, especially in public. But then I think (as my Inner Brat) "WTF?!?!?! It hasn't been a month since Cecilia left, I found out about my Dad's illness, Robert died, and now my godparents are teetering on hospitalization?!?!? Really?!?!?"

Yes, Cyber-Self...really. That's just how Life works. Now wrap things up and get yourself moving. Inner Brat needs to nap already lol.

Cyber-Universe, I would never suggest that the earthquakes, hurricanes, and drought are in any way a result of who were are in God's eyes, though how it all shapes us is/can be spiritually relevant. I've never really felt punished by God so much as tested. That might not always be the case because I can't predict the future; for now I'll continue to do my best to feel connected to Greater Good.

Kisses. -D