'Guess I Called that One...

**sigh** I mentioned in my previous post that my ears were burning. Now there's a distinctive set of of bus tire tracks on my back. My only resentment is the timing. Why must all of my New Beginnings start with about $10 in my pocket? (I actually DO know why...that was just a pointless lament.)

I have some major Creative Problem Solving ahead and I have to admit I'm a little excited. Its been almost 25 years since I lived alone...or at least solely responsible for myself. I'm just kicking myself for being redundant in my relationships. I know all of us, being human and such, tend towards repetition; just another pointless lament.

I will be very happy to wave goodbye to Lockhart as a primary residence. I'm sure there's a few clients I will continue to see but no one I'll miss (more than my soon-to-be Ex). I've never understood how such ugly, mean people can come from such great land. Oh snap...OIL. (ha!) It's time I got HOME.

If I believed in the Gift-List God, I would be asking for a windfall, or a break, or at least some sort of compensation for the $$ spent... but since I don't, I can't. I CAN wait by the damn mailbox waiting for invoiced checks to come. I really need to stack things up and get the planning underway.

I think the bit of Joy I'm feeling is that the last 2 years really did move things in a better direction. As hard as it was to detach myself from the dysfunction in this town, I will always be grateful for having done so. I'm in the best possible position to start a Life that I am uniquely qualified to live. With folks who love me uniquely....

Finally...a little Time!

The greatest challenge with blog ownership is that it's nearly impossible to write AS things are happening. I can't believe I haven't mentioned my father's triple bypass, his extended hospital stay, our dynamic now that he's home.... Major Life Shift and it doesn't even make a "headline".

There's been a flood of sorts; emotion (I am the exception...interesting), miracles, serendipity. 'Sure makes my previous post seem a bit ridiculous. What kind of Coward must that Particular Person be? I've shed the Shame and I can't bring myself to pity him. Rescuing my relationship with my Dad means we will always share a Common Foe.

I'm sensing that this Major Life Shift is still very much underway. That's ok. At 48, the one skill I do possess is the ability to "go with it. I've got this.

On a more neurotic note: My ears have been burning. That's fine. 'Been under the bus more that once. I suspect the one doing the tossin' (whether consciously or subconsciously) comes as a surprise to those making these ears burn...I am not surprised. I've got this, too.

So I'm off to attend to a day of work, Dad, whatever. I am determined to shake off any and all hints of Martyrdom. I'm gonna quit bitchin'.

Last Word....DENIED

Note: I tried several times to change the formatting of this entry w no success...oh well.


'Just tried to wrap up Old Business with a Certain Person. 'Must have scared him because he's changed his email...guess it was the tone of my past correspondence. I've actually settled down and thought I'd ask for one last thing. **sigh** 'Pretty sure he's following the advice of a lawyer and I can only suspect that he'll read this:

Well all-righty...guess you're just not going to answer. I find it so frustrating because what I'm asking for is so very simple: I want the box you made and inscribed to be in your hands. I just want you to hold it and feel the 30 years of my ownership of a symbol that does not belong to me.

Yes, the inscription reads "Denise". But that girl was a figment of your imagination. I was your projection of your....I don't want to know. You brought a Darkness into my life and its taken 35 years to get myself on track. The fact that I almost lost my father so recently is proof to me that God's amping up my "homework" and I just barely made the "deadline" with Dad. It was a tough year for him and I but I dug in my heels, stood my ground, and received God's reward...I'm not about to question myself now. 

If your silence is based on legal advice, you can draft a legal document stating that your receipt of the "damned" box severs any future connection. I would have no problem formally promising to never contact you again. And that the receipt of said box is not an admission of anything... Would that be enough to assuage your fears?

There's a reason I mentioned the novel, "Lolita" when we first corresponded. I wanted you to fully explore the Truth of what happened 35 years ago. Don't con yourself into thinking it couldn't have been all that bad. 'That my life would have likely sucked considering my father's lifestyle. You thought you saw a "nymphet"; a woman in a child's body. In reality, I was a very lost child who could "chameleon" herself to any situation...and should the situation become too stressful, I was a child capable of complete dissociation. You taught me to expect, accept, and provide whatever was sexually asked of me. You set me adrift...

Hopefully this can be my last attempt. Please. 
-D