Not Much To Add

Or maybe too much...either way, I'm not feeling wordy or particularly talented today. I gave what I had to the ones who matter.

Getting There (The Distance Between Us-Part 4?)

Just the fact that there's a 3 day lapse between my image and my writing is very telling. I finally (?) have a set schedule at least with the McJob and my Special clients (I now have 3!). Tomorrow I add to what's been a long day for me at the McJob. Truth be told, I'm doing a great job considering how unprepared I was for this workload. So far, so good.

To make this schedule "work", I've been staying the night at my dad's house on Sundays. Tonight will be the 4th Sunday in a row. I suspected that time together would lead in emotional directions and I've been open to whatever comes up.  This past week I've started every day with a short, gentle cry; good stuff. It's all become very bittersweet. This past time, he insisted I listen to a song from a new Leonard Cohen CD. He said, "... and really, any song from this album would be good for my funeral." No, the man's not leaving us tomorrow but the Time has come to get His House in order. He literally has empty storage containers all over the house. All of them waiting for his Archive.

Some mornings the Cry has just been bitter. I'm pissed that I've been "tapped" to take on my father's personal business. It only occurred to me yesterday that I should say something to my sister and my aunt about all of this. Just because they all abandoned we with my grandparents, doesn't mean I have to let it happen again.  (When I was 16, both of my grandparents were terminally ill and Dad decided I should live with them. My aunt was in Egypt, my sister was off on her own...but that's a WHOLE different blog!) It's been too easy to imagine my sister throwing up her arms, saying, "I'm not the caretaker type!" Honestly though...I've wiped too much ass and I'm tired. My grandmother, my stepson's mother, my mother-in-law, my kids; I'm not exaggerating.

I just added to the title of the entry. My mind just skipped to Elements in recent local relationships, greatest of which is Total Severance. The only people I'm willing to babysit are those who are in my heart and it's not even fair to call it that. I'm busy Life-Sitting my Dad! Fuck off. I only have time for people capable of giving a GENUINE rat's ass about other people. God didn't put me on this Earth to be your entertainment. Again, fuck off. (By golly, I just Punkin Chunked without even trying! Well played, Cyber-Self!)

God DID put me here for days like yesterday. My Great Aunt had her 88th birthday party in at her house in Manchaca. We had 4 generations. My sister actually came, so my whole immediate family was there, too. My current Filter is so emotionally charged that my mind was taking snapshots the whole time: toddlers entertaining the crowd, stories of local adventures and family long gone, and lots and lots of laughter. We genetically share a sense of humor that's oddball, a little dark, and always unexpected. It was great to see Dad relaxed and animated. Maybe my Calling this time is more about ensuring we're all together? 'Time to shake the Martyr Habit!

And on that note, I must commence to packing for the next couple of days. It's a challenge because I will be working back-to-back jobs but, it's also Memorial Day so maybe it won't be a big deal the first time. Sad but true, if I leave anything, then I will have to drive my ass back to Lockhart and that would be a DRAG!

Cyber-Self: Wasn't making time for the market worth it? Not only were the plums a huge hit with Aunt Lil, you also made a point of connecting with folks who make living here worth it! Don't ever let your schedule keep you from keeping those who CARE close to you. They'll be the ones to brighten Darker Days ahead.

Cyber-Universe: As you were... and so it goes.

Doors and Windows

Hmmm... I normally would complain about it but this most recent Shift has been good.

The Closing Door: I had to terminate my relationship with one of my disabled clients. It was a Life Lesson in the essentials of Boundaries i.e. if you let a lot of little things slide as far as Respect goes, you can bet there will be a Shit Storm at some point. Luckily I think we pretty much avoided any long term ill will but, as much as I loved the kid, I couldn't allow myself to be disrespected. 'Leaves open some potentially scary outcomes. 'Nuf said.

The Open Window: The autistic client I was given several days after ending therapy with my other client. Pretty awesome first visit. To my and her mother's amazement, she said, "Goodbye Denise" when I shook her hand before leaving. Major considering her level of disability.

So this time I'm not really resenting yet another change though I really really want a regular schedule! Perhaps the McJob is the answer once again since my new client is minutes away from that location. I drove into Austin just for her hour. The driving is getting to be too much... I've even started to stay the night at my Dad's on Sundays after work since I open the next morning.

I have to really consider whether or not I need to address my recent driving-related (almost) Panic Attacks with a medication I discontinued a while back. I'm having more challenging times than not while driving in the last two weeks. I'm waiting until the next Dr. visit at least. I'm hoping it was just an indication/reaction to emotionally revisiting the Shit Storm of my teen years. The Rage seems to have subsided and I had some major bodywork, too. (Nothing like someone ripping through fascia to release the Beast lol!)

When Boo and I talked about possible PD triggers, my best guess was that a conversation in the McJob break room started it. Some older folks were talking about the '70s and I said, "Oh yeah. What a great time... Free Love equals Free Access...there were a lot of Creeps lurking around." The woman next to me, who I like very much, looked me in the eyes and I could tell I said too much. Only a victim of a Creep would say that. And off my mind went...

I've always seen my Dissociative Fugue at 20 as the beginning of my challenges but now I'm wondering if I had been kinda "in and out" long before my extended episode. My Panic when I drive is that I'll drift off into disassociation and then I get thing zing of adrenaline and suddenly I'm so hyper-aware I can't take it. Nasty nasty cycle. Nasty nasty War.

Cyber-Self: Look at you go! You're eating better, sleeping better, and putting your best foot forward and taking on the Battles. Keep on keepin' on!

Punkin Chunkin: First of all, I was kinda enjoying that I had either nothing to chunk or at least, just my own trash but... sure enough I got a text the other night regarding a person I have tried hard to extricate from my radar. She's not my kid. She not even an Adoptee (I do have a couple of Adopted Sons right now...very cool.) 'Need to get that Crap Stank AWAY from me! Jiminy Crickets!

*wheeling Chunker back into the garage after a thorough rinsing* Chores stink.

Losing the Battle, Winning the War

Jeez, kind of an ominous title today. It's already afternoon and I haven't eaten or dressed; got lost in making stuff. Amazing how everything can disappear while working.

I'm recuperating from a bumpy few days. I did talk to Boo about JB. We had a few hours of weirdness and now it's all talked out and cool. (He'd had a couple of Beams at the time; good in some ways, bad in others.) After he thought about it all, he wonders what triggers my mind's need to revisit That Place. I love and appreciate his pragmatic approach; it's a reflection of his Innocence. Its endearing that he thinks understanding the facts can fix the Problem. I'm grateful for the Balance.

So, in the sense of letting that specific Rage get the best of me, then I lost the Battle. On the other hand, I have a new Ally and he makes me feel hopeful that I can get past this War. Today I'm just feelin' a little wrung out which is of course, the opposite of enraged. 'Could be a sign of Remission.

Cyber-Self: Not gonna nag you today. And it's probably best to be highly selective with the company you keep for awhile. Kisses.

Punkin Chunker is in the garage in case of rain.