The Distance Between Us

My father has a Master's Degree in Filmmaking from UT. He earned it during the most challenging time of his life. My sister and I were his Witnesses for some of the hardest parts. He might have been 30-31 when he finished his thesis.

My mother was killed in a car accident in November 1970, roughly 2 1/2 weeks before my 6th birthday. Dad was nearing the end of grad school at the time. I think he had been working on a film about being separated by War. He had a lot of footage of my mother and tape recordings that they used to send to one another during Vietnam. I love the home movies of the Early Years of their marriage...my mom looks like she had a great sense of humor. Good stuff.

At 28, Dad didn't know he was on the cusp of finding out that there IS something much worse than being away from the one you love: Complete Absence Forever Eternally. Of course with Tragic Events, we never know we're on the cusp until we fall or get kicked off of it. The pain is indescribable and the Ego is lost in shock.

My father's thesis film? "SANDI: A film by Fred Meredith." It's a film about a filmmaker making a film about losing his wife. One lesson I've taken away from multiple viewings of "SANDI" is that my interpretations of my father's work shift depending on my age and the audience with me. Only after I passed the age of 28 and had a daughter did some sections even matter to me. 'Scenes in which my mother's autopsy report is read for narration. 'Scenes of her crashed Volkswagon with blood on the seat. Scenes of Dad racing to the hospital (re-enacted for the film.) As a child, I had no clue but the Imagery throughout the film had always intrigued me. I think I "get it" now....

One memory I have of the filming was a scene with me and my sister. It was the anniversary of my mother's death and we were at her grave (which is on our property btw). Our directive was to put flowers around her cedar cross. I have the impression that Dad was irritated because I wasn't sad enough. I was a total Goofball at 6-going-on-7 (and at 46-going-on-47!) so that would make perfect sense.

Mostly though, the film evokes for me a time when my father was surrounded by dozens of interesting, nice, creative people. Everyone was so good to us! The movie is really their collective collaboration with Dad. They balanced it all out for us emotionally...or at least they seemed to try. I love seeing everyone on film. Those Friendly Freaky Hippies were magical to a kid like me.

My sister and I weren't allowed to go camping with the crew for shoots but everyone spent a lot of time in our swimming pool afterward. We were allowed to go with Dad to shoot time lapse of sunsets and sunrises. (A whole 'nother entry cuz it was '70's technology...so yes, he stood there and shot frames one at a time.) And we were also "allowed" (haha) to be with Dad for the bulk of the editing; often as late as 1 or 2am...! Finding "something to do" in a university hallway or office for hours made me the creative soul I am today. I do believe boredom is deadly... I am a survivor. I remember Dad saying something about how we girls were already in college. 'Felt like it. We were the smarter for it.

So why say all of this now? When I wrote some of this long-hand, I honestly had no idea. When I reached the end though, I totally went OFF on an individual....I shocked myself! So, after some reflection, here is my answer:

20-somethings out there: develop an Attitude of Gratitude. Look around and realize that all of us will leave this Earthly plane and there really is NO TIME to waste on superficial, immature BS. But also know this: I can't wait to see who you are at 30-something, 40-something. We will be glad (for the most part) that we stayed acquainted... at least that's my hunch. My love is parental; firm in what I think is right but patient and always loving.

Whew...so GLAD I got this done this morning. I have so many things to do and I was getting a little anxious about not fulfilling this MDR. Awesome.

Cyber-Universe, drink lots of water and rub ice cubes on the necks of over-heated loved ones, including yourself! Cyber-Self, you really need to find some aloe vera cuz Grrlfriend you had too much fun and too much sun yesterday.

Busy Busy Busy

I really ought to be asleep right this moment. It's almost 1am and I woke up this morning (oops yesterday) at 4:30am. Oh well.

The one blog-thought lately has been that I am NOT a born-again Christian or maybe not even a "good" Christian but....the Great Whatever has been such a positive force that the only suitable language for it sounds so much like the religion of my youth. 'Guess that might make me a Paying Attention Again Christian.

And at this very moment, I am very glad to be 46, tubby, in Texas, and in love. Life is rich. And, I've also discovered....wait for it...I'm allergic to Drama.

I truly love my friends so I hope they understand my "sneezing".

Gesundheit and Goodnight (or Good Morning) Cyber-Universe! Cyber-Self...you really need to make time for making stuff again. Really. Like now already. XO

The Shift: Was that IT?!?!

Tonight I'm following my own advice. I have a small mountain of things to do and I'm feeling a day behind (last minute $$$.) I just had to get in my MDR before I even made out my bank deposit; priorities.

It's kinda wicked wild that I've been speaking of a Shift and now the world has followed suit in such a mind-boggling direction. I'm literally waiting for aftershocks...I'm trying not to let it be a bad, wasteful endeavor. I'm just making sure my footing is as sound as possible.

And you'll have to count me among the ambivalent when it comes to O/Usama. It all just makes me remember the weight of those years when my son served in Iraq; can't get those back. Maybe it was because I was in Philly but September 11 will always mark the day that Happiness was over. Tunneling my way out of that Hole took most of those 10 years; can't even say if I'm truly out or not. I know that I wish my son could act like he loves me. Just for a minute. 10 seconds. Whatever. My other son and my daughter are my consolation and they are very good at it. Such a shame they feel the need to emotionally cover for him. See?!?!?! Down into the Hole I go...just like that! (sigh) I really need to get over myself. (hugs to self cuz I was stupid enough to watch news today. tsk tsk)

Oh SNAP! I just put something together (this was a good idea to write); my Boo has been watching wayyyyyyyy more of that shit-news than I have. Lately his cynicism has been too much and it has made me cranky. He's so certain that the world as a WHOLE cannot be trusted! For REALS? (Yes, I'm aware he might keep up with this blog...too bad, Sweetie but I can only take so much of it a day without a little balance. Whew...I feel better. Gesundheit.)

And while I'm looking down the Hole and bitching, my Ex sent 1 of 2 tax returns a YEAR after they were requested. Now I have to figure out where to turn it in because I need a stamped cover-sheet. For REALS?!?!? And you're gonna give me shit for calling it even with the money you owed me IF you gave it to our Girl for prom and all of the graduation stuff, seniors shore trip, etc.? I sent $300 and you owe me $300. REALLY? What a Cheap Bastard. (Was that out loud?...sorry sorta kinda.) That's just an element I hadn't expected to last this long: every communication just reinforces why I got divorced in the first place. See? I did it again...I let myself get pissed. This will just NOT DO!

oooo...Second SNAP! Now I know I'm a nerdy-goofball-flake-a-zoid: I'm thinking that Volunteering is good for dis-remembering assholes and the people attached to them. When you mingle with the Peeps, you either like the folks you meet or you just become jovial acquaintances. Fair enough, right? Wish I had a magic wand to wave over a few heads.

So enough of this for tonight. It's 11:56pm which is very late for me. ha. If I'm lucky, I'll get my bank deposit made and maybe maybe I'll have nice piles and post-its made for tomorrow morning when I'll be well rested and inspired. (After all, I did have an awesome nap today.)

And on that note, I repeat what I commented on a FB Wall. "...prepare for the media mayhem. I'm not gonna watch. I'm waiting for the musical." It was Liked.

Soooooooo...Cyber-Universe....have any CLUE as to what's next? I know. I know. Sure-footing blah blah. Cyber-Self: Don't be such a Brat Baby and things will go more smoothly. Boundaries are good but there's really no need to give yourself a concussion by banging your head on someone else's. It's kinda cute that you try but only kinda. XO