The "Wonder" Years

I quipped on FB that we should call perimenopause, the "Wonder" years… I just don't have a clue as to what my physical "normal" is any more. For instance, my sleep cycle currently has me up in the mornings before 5. Sometimes I wake up in a sweat, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I've been dreaming, mostly not. I blamed it on the juvenile rooster (he just wasn't getting his "cock-a-doodle" down) but he's improved.

The good news is that I've shed 14lbs since moving to family land. (If I were being mean I'd say, "300 AND 14lbs…just suffice to say when you live with heavier people, you can bet you're gonna get fat.) I love the fact that it comes without effort and with very little thought. The warm weather prompted me to put on clothes from last summer; kinda cool to have some items almost slide off. I hadn't weighed myself since my last doctor visit (I checked the accuracy of a few family scales just for fun) and sure enough, the consensus is 14. And we have only just started the garden and, considering how sedentary we were the last 6 weeks, I have every reason to expect that my health will continue to improve without much angst. Gym memberships seem pretty frivolous when you spend an hour hauling rocks.

At this moment I'm enjoying how sitting in the 'Hut with the windows open feels like being outside. Chirping birds, a peacock wailing far away, the occasional rooster giving it his best, the flow of traffic, my cousins stirring around the compound… It just feels right that I'm not enclosed/encased in a house. Too much disconnect for me.

Or maybe I'm feeling so good because my oxytocin/good hormone levels feel astronomically higher than before. There's scientific proof that affection improves your health and sense of well-being. Kissing on kiddos several times a day has been my wonder-tonic.

I'm still getting a lot of "news" out of Lockhart and I have an incredible sense of relief not to be there. I liken it to escaping quicksand…my last two years there were much more of a struggle than I knew. I'm certain that my withdrawal created gossip/ill-will that I'm not even aware of and that's just fine. I'm still learning to let all of that go. I'm still working in Lockhart but I'm able to keep a low profile. I'm still un-learning the desire to cheer for others' misfortune. I wasn't like that before I moved to that town…

And if "un-learning" is truly the task at hand, then obviously the place to be is HOME.

My Sunshine

Penance in Paradise

Snappy title? Um…not really…I guess. 'Hut living naturally inspires introspection. Admittedly, I have a tendency to wander in my own head so it's shocking to me when I'm called upon to respond directly to another person. I surprise myself and I continue to be even more surprised by other people. We can never know what lies in the heart of another… The best I could do these past few days was to Confess, Convey, and (for one person) promise to disappear. That's it. I can only be Me.

So right now I'm giving myself a nice break from paperwork (3 out of 4 complete…I'm such a doofus for taking so long). Maybe I'll have a chance to make a quick image before I take Aunt Lil to the beauty shop.

I'm hopeful that this entry will serve as a trail blaze, marking the spot where I got to start the rest of my Life.

Geez. I've erased 3 different titles for this entry and I've been struggling with this image for over a week. Even now I'm just staring at the blinking cursor…

And I just deleted a whole paragraph of text. Maybe now isn't the time to write. It's not that I'm angry or hurt so much as just tired of some "stuff". I'm tired of carrying around other people's "stuff". I pared down my belongings for a reason. I live in a 'Hut for a reason. I don't want what isn't mine.

Quick Check-In

I've tried to make some art in the last few days but it's all been a little…disappointing. Mostly because I've been lost in a sea of Special Needs paperwork. I'm just now coming to a Major Challenge in Micro-Hut Living: it's a great space for thinking/creating but NOT for report-writing. I'm working on that; I've let my supervisor know honestly what obstacles I'm up against. It's nice to have a cheerleader.

This morning, as I'm impatiently waiting to see if my (overdue) files can be read (!), I got to thinking about…thinking. I do A LOT of pondering in my 'Hut. It occurred to me that my space, if it were bare, would be akin to a prison cell. 'Pretty sure the size is close. And then it occurred to me that former inmates might fare better in the "real world" if they could live in a Micro-Hut after incarceration; if they could fill a slightly larger space with all of the things they wished they'd had in jail, would it solve some transition issues? Affordable housing in a size that addresses their long term existence in small spaces…

Like I said, great for thinking but real work, not so much.