Co-Lab Entry #2?

Dad,
I stand before you as a smiling child. I'm holding a kite-string in my left hand; my kite is bobbing easily above and behind me.

This image agitates you and I get it, Dad. We both know the kite is my Faith in God. You decide that my smile is a dare; that I'm mocking you in some way. Get over it, Dad. I really am just a happy kid flying her kite of Faith. I'm smiling because, at that particular moment, the kite-flying is easy....

Dad,
I stand before you as a smiling child and proficiency has it's price.

Too many times I've foolishly galloped, faster than this body ought to, with the faintest chance of creating enough breeze to get that kite aloft. And there was a moment when I let my Faith get so far away from me that, fearful and naive, I was unsure if gravity, my weight, my force would be enough to keep the connection. Without me there was no kite; with no kite there was no me. Control is an illusion; at best, it's a dance.

Dad,
I stand before you as a smiling child. I walk out each morning, kite in hand, cheerfully checking the gist of the day's weather. I always expect my Faith will be both challenged and rewarded. I've learned that if I can grin when I run with that kite and laugh at my follies, kite-flying is fun more often than not. Those days when the sky and wind are angrily churning, there's comfort in knowing to reel in my kite, bring it safely indoors, hang it on my bedroom wall. Considering the wear-and-tear my kite has seen these 48 years, I think my Faith is holding up pretty well.

Dad,
I stand before you as a smiling child. I'm holding a kite-string in my left hand and my right hand is empty...

Knocking at the 4th Wall...

'Don't like directing an entry to one specific person but its probably best to have my say here. I'm guessing this person has become a reader...best to keep some degree of plausible deniability. I also don't like writing on the iPad but doing it anyway.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY MR. "RACKED WITH GUILT"
You are indeed a gift that keeps giving. My sister and I had a wonderful Father's Day with Dad and, as often happens when it's the 3 of us, we got to reminiscing. On the ride home, Dad felt the need to tell me why he got along better with my sister when we were teens. He expressed his "disappointment" with me because I didn't share with him that I had started "sexually experimenting".  I barely got out the words, "it's hardly consensual at 13." After 35 years, my father still has the power to completely tear me apart...almost. I sobbed for a couple of hours (after speeding away from his house) and then I got good and pissed. After a couple of days, I was able to write my father and lay it all out without the emotional charge; facts are facts.

Sex between a 13 yr old and a 30-something is always wrong. There's no "experimenting" or "motivations" (words my father has used...) in that scenario. The "wiring" isn't formed yet and everything is trumped by the adult's willingness to ignore and exploit that clean slate. It doesn't mean shit if I had a great vocabulary, Assholes. It doesn't mean shit that you magically decided I was old enough. A crime is a crime and I am beyond DONE when carrying the guilt. It's not MY shame, Dudes.

My father made a very bad mistake by not going after you. As a parent of adults, I too have had to make amends for my bad mistakes; we mend because, more often than not, theses mistakes are more like tragic accidents. These are forgiveable.

Your crime was not a tragic accident. I don't want to hear you BS yourself into thinking that alcoholism makes a plausible excuse nor do I need to hear you try to BS me into thinking that you're truly sorry. You were able to live a life without giving me a second thought.

I did finally figure out why I have such a specific monetary amount in regard to YOU helping to balance this crap out: you promised to send me to college if I lived with you. On that drive from Denver to Tulsa in '83, you worked hard to sweeten the prospect of staying with you. I honestly believe that the very least you can do is to compensate me for NOT interfering with your life all of these years...

Spiraling Forward

I can't even begin to write about ALL of the recent changes because it's all so... molten. I've had a few wonderful professional opportunities present themselves and now they are flowing together. My new relationship with Hospice will likely become connected to my relationship with the company that I work for to provide Special Needs massage.

SCORECARD

Family Life in Manchaca = GREAT on every level
Personal Satisfaction Professionally = Exponentially improved
Relationship with God = Messages are clear and quite easy to implement
Social Life in Lockhart = With very few exceptions, I find myself wanting to RUN from the people in this town
Social Life in South Austin = Improving slowly but steadily; process moves forward every Tuesday especially if my cooking is good.
Trusty the Truck = Needs new tires

I really only find myself in want of more money so I can move forward in Manchaca. I love my clients in this town, and I will always try to maintain our relationships, but really... Does anyone in this place believe in the benefit of Psychotherapy? Facebook has become the portal into Lives I feel so very lucky NOT to be a part of (I know it's mutual) BUT do these folks realize that I have done NOTHING but walk away? I wonder what level of gossip-mythology has come from my disconnections. What perceived "wrongs" have I done to them besides withhold my interest? *sigh* Out of my hands I suppose...

Enough procrastination. On with the chores...soon.