Last Entry for 2011

(music playing: album "El Camino" by the Black Keys. The package had a sticker that said, "Play Loud" Will do, Mildew.)

What a weird feeling I'm having right now. I can't recall ever giving myself a writing assignment for this space. I have about an hour to get it done; I've also given myself a deadline. Luckily my desk Feng Shui is set correctly. I have a pile of stuff that has to be done and it's less than an inch from my left elbow and higher than my resting arm.

My Snow Globe Christmas

What a Welcome Home gift from God. There were 5 gatherings in all. It was as if this time existed in it's own separate universe. The snow globe reference is more about the protection of glass. The contents were in no way a static hyper-idyllic tableau.

Dec. 23rd Caroling Party: (sigh) What a wonderful, engaging group of good people. Great conversations with all kinds of folks, from toddlers to actual peers and every age in between. There was never time for a dull moment...it was a whirlwind of activity until we all sat down to eat. Pretty sure we were more than 20 in number at a table that ran the whole length of the house. Then some of us went caroling which was a total blast; sometimes we were yelling, other times mumbling because we couldn't see our caroling books in the dark! HAHA! We were well-received and even fed at one stop. When we got back to the house, I said my goodbyes because I knew the young'uns had a night of partying ahead. In retrospect, these young ladies' plan for this gathering was genius. What a warm loving place...

Dec. 24th Godmother's Birthday Party-(Back Story): From the time I was 6 until I left for Philly at 22, my dad, sister and I spent every Christmas morning with my Godparents' family; they have 4 boys close to our age. Our tradition with them made the holidays bearable. (Dad was always always tense for all of November to New Year's because of my mother's death.) My Godfather would make us enormous Screwdrivers or Bloody Marys to go with brunch. I think I was served at age 13? And, also true to tradition, we always pissed off the extended family because we were always late for Christmas dinner and, of course, drunk. Ahhhh, dysfunction.

One reason I chose Lockhart was that my Godparents lived here. They have since moved away because their eldest bought them a house next to his. It broke my heart. I think it broke theirs a little too. My Godparents are conspicuously nearing their Final Days. When I was told that they wanted to have a party with all of us, by golly, it was going to happen.

Her Party: Not only did all four of their sons make it but my sister did, too. (jeez, now I'm tearing up!) My Godfather never left his chair but he seemed very happy. After a few of us decided he felt too cool, one son discreetly took his BP. There was so much laughing and teasing and eating. Their new house was full of people who love them. (Full cry now) Those few hours will always be near and dear to me. It just feels like it was a one-time shot and we did it great. Words are useless. (The tears are actually clearing my head cold...bonus?)

Dec. 24th Meredith-Moreland Traditional Christmas Eve Gatherin' of Cousins: Wow. They make a new "layer" of people every year. I had to literally wade through generations of blood relatives to get from room to another. (Or out to get "fresh air" i.e. smoke haha!) My Aunt Lil is 87 and this was the first time all of us were in her house since my Uncle Odell's funeral several (6?) years ago. What struck me most was the conversation I had with my closest cousins regarding my Dad's Parkinsons... I don't know if he realizes how much he is loved. There's a very large streak of Unconditional Love, mostly from my Aunt Lil's branch, that has made for a wonderfully diverse, creative, eccentric group of folks that I am sooooo proud to be a part of. I don't know if they realize how much I love THEM. Plus my Aunt Lil has hundreds of photo albums of ALL of us throughout our lives...can't visit without looking through a few. I feel my roots and they go all the way down to bedrock.

Dec. 25th Dinner at my Sister's: It was quiet, restful. After all, we had spent the day before together. This was our chance to chill. Precious moment: Dad turned to me and commented on the book I made, "I appreciate your willingness to be so open in your work. Is it okay if I show it to everyone else?" He looked a little teary-eyed. Art has always been our Secret Language; it makes us twins unto ourselves. I can feel him slipping away into Parkinson's a little bit at a time....

My Boo worked all three of those days but he was happy. Especially when I came home bearing goodies. (more tears...!) "Love" should have as many names as Eskimos have for "snow".

Dec. 26th Lunch with Boo's parents: even more quiet than Christmas and just as lovely. They are doing remarkably well considering their son's death in August. Grief is the hardest way to bond with a family but it runs deep. The only thing deeper is Birth.

After that, it was back to Real Life. Oi. It's as if God has handed me a wad of tangled fishing line; I don't get to "fish" until I figure it out. But that's cool, too....just as long as I get a Christmas like that a couple times in my Life.

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'Didn't make my deadline and I have to get up to see a client. Work? I know, right? haha

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The Wad of Tangled Fishing Line

Maybe one day I'll be a puzzle-solving genius. Maybe one day I'll know better where to place my trust and my faith. Maybe one day I won't be such an easy target for insensitive people. Maybe one day I won't care. All I know is that the harder I try to work on this tangled wad, the tighter some parts of the tangle get. Scissors are tempting but I believe it's important to take a break and re-visit the tangle when I have much more patience. Or maybe when I feel a sense of purpose in doing so.

Punkin-Chunkin' into the Cyber-Universe

One wish I have for the New Year is to feel secure in my little Cyber-Space here. (Someone decided to be indignant about a rant and tell their mother and other people. "Look how mean Denise is. Look at what she called me!" ) I don't have the diligence to look for ways to control readership nor would I anyway. I read other people's blogs and I've never once thought it was my place to use their words against them. This is a journal of my life. This is a stream-of-consciousness picture book to be archived after I die. Granted, a lot has changed in the blog realm...there are many that are meant for public consumption. This one really isn't.

So...Dear Reader, if you're looking for your own ugliness, you will find it here. If you're looking for reassurance, beauty (I hope), humor, rage, yada yada, it's here, too. 'Just realize that many of these words are being chucked away from me. Taking ownership of someone else's trash is...trashy. If temptation proves to be just too too much, let me give you a visual: You and a friend decide to go to a Punkin-Chunkin'. Your friend walks around admiring the creativity and engineering of the machinery while you're out in the field looking at splattered pumpkins. Who's gonna leave with more insight?

Since I rarely mention people by name, except for family, it will be interesting to read this one day and wonder what it was all about. I hope I'm able to forget it. Probably not.

New Year's Resolution

To thine own Cyber-Self be true. I'll be damned if I let _____ and _____ (or even _____ and ____) censor me! (that's a joke btw so don't go counting blank spaces to see how many people I'm talking about...geez)

Goodbye 2011. Not gonna lie, 2010 was much better for me personally but who knows what the year ahead holds. You never know which day will be your last.

Second to the Last Entry for 2011

I came to the computer ready to write but chose to read my email first. I had a note from a friend from high school asking for prayers; her mother-in-law has pneumonia. Her husband is in his late 60's and has been steadily declining in health himself. I'd estimate his mother in her 80's.

I spent a lot of time writing my response. It will most likely be today's "filter". This is what I wrote:

"When I think about the two of you, I do see you as "M**B**". You epitomize to me the ideal of what a truly loving, bonded marriage should be; you are one. There's boundless power in that unity and you've certainly have had the opportunity to prove it in the past. ('Guess that makes you a Power Couple! )

I say this because well...we all know this transitional "place". One day, perhaps not for years, the focus will turn to prayers for peace rather than recovery. We already know it will make our hearts ache but we've learned to pray with confidence. We become the matriarchs and patriarchs of our families. We understand the underlying responsibility to be examples for our young, supports for our peers, and caretakers of our elders. It is another rite of passage. But I'm sure you both already know all of this.

So please, let me know if there's anything I can do. And if you need to hide for a couple of hours, I'm pretty certain no one will find you in Lockhart. Take good care of yourselves, take your vitamins, give yourselves some TLC.

I might not get to see ya'll often enough but know I treasure you. Meeting ya'll was one of the greatest homecoming gifts of all. XOXOXOXO"

Maybe sometime today or tomorrow I will write the last entry for the year. 'Seems necessary. Though none of us could ever truly tie up all of our "loose ends", its nice (and traditional) to say goodbye to the year. And every time I'm tempted to say that 2011 sucked, I immediately think of all the good stuff that didn't. But make no mistake, I am quite ready to give it a wave.

Cyber-Universe: I don't know exactly when I started this format. 'Not even sure why. What I DO know is that its mostly crap thrown into space. Bullshit that I'm throwing away. UN-recyclable. Not intended for consumption.

Cyber-Self: The dryer buzzer went off twice. Better go before things wrinkle.

And so it goes.

Happy Hanukkah, Happy Winter Solstice

'Forgot I had readership. umm...hmmmm...class dismissed (?)

Bonus Tip for the Day: Never ever refer to a person's blog for validation in an emotionally-charged situation. You lose any future advantage.

Gesundheit.

Trying to...

muster together enough self-discipline to NOT lose my temper on a couple of...couple of...LOSERS (see? not doing a good job.) Its enough you gotta root through my social life like a wild hog but the games infuriate me. And I KNOW that's the desired result...argh...

BUT the Good News is that they've at least finished working their "charm" on one special circle. Someone referred to my appearance, unescorted by the Porcine Parade, as being "like the good ol' days." Says a lot since I've been here just over 2 years.

My blog should really be more about the High Road and I know that. 'Maybe 2012 will be free of Entitlement Swine.

Long time since last post...

because I've been putting all of my creativity into another book for Dad.

For all of you Whisperers and Schemers in Cyber-Universe: it's bad Juju and you should stop. You may think you're really quite clever, diplomatic, organized...whatever your rationalization...but you look like a Fool that has to whisper and scheme rather than communicate outright. Perhaps 2012 is the year you give it up?

Cyber-Self: Kinda wished you had documented recent personal progress but...whatever. A lot of (delightfully delicious) tears went into the last couple of months. It's good to be clean from within. And you're too old for Mean Girls of any age. Oops...the two things, tears and meanness, weren't always related. I had lot of Joy-Tears.

I hear jingle bells.