Not much into words today...

I'm with Stupid

One of the elements I LOVE about blogging is the inevitable opportunity to laugh at myself (or at least scold myself with compassion.) I totally caught myself listening too much to my ego; I was one step away from Total Bellybutton Lint Acquired Wisdom Syndrome (TBLAWS! haha)

All of my ramblings about the Shift, Death, Filters...I just assumed what I was sensing was something that would happen to me. 'Guess I'll have to give points to the Great Whatever on this insight because I keep getting the same Positive Reinforcement: I am here for Good Reasons. Sometimes my role is to be a Witness until otherwise instructed; a neutral presence that's kinda "recording" the Whole Thing.

My boss lost a friend last weekend in a tragic accident. The friend's tractor flipped and he was cut in half. Watching my boss process this has been very Life affirming and totally beyond my personal experiences...but not. For all of his flaws (and my own), we "get" each other and it seems right that I am/we are there to support him.

And then there's the sudden change in Boo's Brother's Cancer. The doctors have sent him home; there's nothing else they can do. I'm preparing myself for a visit to Funeral Land because it's always a tough ride...on every level. No doubt this will complete my bonds to my new family. We are a Good Fit. I love them very much for their willingness to make that happen. This will be my opportunity to be supportive.

And then there's Philly (....I know, right? Does it ever END with this woman?!?!) In my Special Crew, there are two who are now Precarious. One needs a liver transplant (we are bar friends after all, though I don't know if that's the cause...sure it wasn't helpful) and one who is fighting Cancer for the second time (he already doesn't look good and he's starting chemo...I'm lovingly realistic and he appreciates that.) Three of my Nick's friends have passed away since I moved to Texas. Loving these guys and gals has always been bittersweet...most are over 60 and have hardly lived a "healthy lifestyle". When I looked around the bar this past Friday, I realised that I adored all of these folks because they are, without exception, "un-marriable". And they always treated me with such sweetness. Whatever it was/is, it's all about the Love.

I know I know...it still sounds like it's all about me but that's more a writing-style issue. First Person doesn't necessarily mean Only Person. ;-)

Life is Rich...with details, nuances, misperceptions, errors, healing, Joy. There are no blank spots.

So Cyber-Universe...I'm gonna try to lay off a little with the preachin'. Life happens to everyone. More often than not, it's totally not my "job" when it comes to how anyone else does It. I should look into "mastering" my OWN Life soon! HAHA

Good Luck with that Cyber-Self! (maybe not so funny...okay it pretty much is...hee hee) Keep it Light! XO

(too late at night for words)

Broken Record

Hmm...Cyber-Universe. I seem to be stuck on a thought-train; I'm still going over eras in my life and wanting ALL 20-somethings to "get it." Of course then, I'm put in the position of defining what "get it" means and then think about the Why... sounds like too much work. To read or to write. Oh well.

The latest set of memories are of myself 30 years ago. (My Boo and I are nearing the 30th anniversary of when we kissed in Europe). I remember the months preceding that trip: I was living with my grandparents because my grandmother was terminally ill. I cooked for them, cleaned, and near the end of her life, I slept with Grandma and helped her use the bathroom. She died just before the trip.

In the last weeks of her life, my grandmother started sharing her codeine with me. We had a few awesomely lovely afternoons on the couch with the sun coming through the picture window. Yum. She even stroked my hair a few times just the way she used to when I was little. I share this because it's VITAL to understand that in times of Great Pain, there are moments of Beauty that are beyond expression. The fact that we did a drug was beside the point...mostly sorta.

After she died, I filled an aspirin bottle with codeine and took it with me to Europe. I enjoy hearing now about everyone else's perception of that trip. I remember soooo little. I was definitely "elsewhere". I didn't lose that otherness until after Grandpa died just over a year later. (And I betcha my sister remembers the "magic words" at his funeral...again...Great Beauty and at a funeral no less.)

It would be very easy to read this and think that on some level, I'm trying to "one up" everyone else's suffering. And that is exactly the point I want to make: it ain't all about you (or me). It just seems like the last two generations are so afraid of pain that it all becomes "avoidable". Back in my day, some folks wanted to die at home. There were enough family members around so it was a perfectly cool and reasonable request. Personally, I wouldn't have asked a 16 yr old to do it but that's just me. (smile) 'Love you Dad.

So one question is this: Would you allow someone to die in your home? And please...it's not a judgement; it's like asking if you're ready to have children or get married. Death will always always always be there. I'm just challenging you to look It in the eye and adjust your Inner Filter. (Or maybe I listen to too much Arcade Fire and Tv on the Radio - lol...just feels like an urgent message I need to share.)

And...btw...I was at a music store, across the street from my high school, when I realized my grandmother had died. I went straight to the choir room at school and picked up the message from the office. I gathered up my cousin and my sister. We were headin' to Manchaca before I realized the sequence of events. Pretty much happened the same way with Grandpa...I felt a "something". I just assume now that this is possible when you are bonded to a dying person.

I certainly felt pulled home when Uncle Odell went into hospice about 5 years ago. My plane from Philly arrived a few hours after he died. I had almost made it in time and I was pretty bummed I hadn't. I gave myself a few minutes to be sad at the airport before my sister picked me up and I headed straight to Aunt Lil's to help out. Cousins were everywhere and one handed me the phone with a note outlining the funeral arrangements and a message pad and pen. Hellos would happen later. That's just how it's done.

Hopefully, like a catchy pop song, this "tune" will finally leave my head. (haha Radiohead is playing....there really IS no hope for my brooding soul...jk! I do warn youngsters not to listen to too much Radiohead at one time... hehe)

So Cyber-Universe, it obviously takes me too many words to say what I mean. I certainly can't apologize but since it is work, to read and to write, I do so very much appreciate the effort.

And Cyber-Self: quit talking to the camera....HAHA

Stay cool, stay calm, stay funny, be human, be kind, be you. XO

I am the Walrus

There was a point in creating this image that I realized I had done a similar one not too long ago. This one has more depth, more "edge". Wouldn't it be nice if Life imitated Art? No... not really.

The last two days have been about 2 folks in hospitals for procedures: one is an 11 yr old girl who had a nerve "rewired" in her heart and a 79 (?) yr old man who had metal posts drilled into his skull; he is having his brain "rewired" to alleviate uncontrollable tremors. That is my current "filter".

One's "filter" or perception can never be truly seen or shared by another. Ever. Art is an evocation of Life. Blogs are autobiographical fiction/art. Open for (mis)interpretations along a very wide spectrum of what we think we know about each other. Human beings can't help but impose their beliefs on what is experienced. We always think that because we haven't been bitten by a pet, that they must "like" us.

Get rollin', Cyber-Self! You have many clients today. Cyber-Universe...(psychic projection) sorry. I'm not saying it out loud today. XO