Thought, Intention, and Deed

I haven't written in so long. It's not as if I'm thinking too much or too little. I've been busy but not to the extreme. (However, the extreme is what it will probably take to pay the bills.) It's too easy to just drop a visual onto my blog and feel like I've somehow "spoken". Maybe I do make a statement with the images but once it's seen, it's subjective history to the viewer; they like it or not, feel like they "got it" or not, or maybe ignore the images all together. I suspect that there are only a couple of people who even look at my blog... I wonder if it appears when readers hit the "Next Blog" icon. Who knows. Who cares. That's what blogs are for: chickens like me who still think that Luck will find me one day and take away all that I don't want and give me the One Great Shortcut to all that I do want.

I'm sitting in my office downtown and I am hopeful that more clients will venture in for a massage. Or not. I am my own boss. The time I spend is mine in this room. Motivated or not, I am here every weekday. The Peace and Quiet is sometimes deafening; nothing a well-timed nap can't cure. I am currently somewhat demotivated.

My mind and heart have been working more in synch since I began meditation class a couple of months ago. In regard to the subject of Love, I am as I was 18 years ago: split in two pieces. My mind loves one man and my heart another. I accept that there is no true reconciliation of this fractured love. Most of my adult life has been this way. I am waiting but not waiting. Moving forward but carrying souvenirs. I've given up on an explanation; I just am.

I meditate towards a larger good rather than my own. I meditate towards the departure of Judgement and Malice from my mind. I meditate towards becoming closer to everyone and maybe one day, my fractured heart won't be a distraction, to me or anyone. I meditate towards the possibility of true healing.

I'll be sure and let you know how it goes.