Not much, too much

It's not that I'm too busy or that there's not enough to say… words just aren't wanting to come together today. I'm happy with my 15 minute "art-ting". Shoot. I'm happy with just about everything. Maybe I'm avoiding a jinx? Or am I afraid, in this blissful state, to let loose on the one sore topic: Fucking money? Likely.

For Caelan...

Yes!

I guess the previous post might read like a cliffhanger. I was "Thrown" but did I get back up? Of course I did. 'Mostly because I have a new sense of self-protection and the desire to end the era of me sabotaging myself. A new era of Selfishness? If protecting my positive relationships, my new sense of physical happiness, my new lifestyle…then YES!

I do have art-ing to do. A lot has happened in between entries… and all of it was within my new-found selfishness "bubble." I'm working hard and it's infinitely helpful to have people who truly love me helping me to maintain this "bubble." Wow…is this was Maturity feels like? Hmmmm…

More to come on recent events. Life always seems to exceed expectations. Yum for now!

Thrown

Literally less than 10 minutes ago, I opened Photoshop in an attempt to…I don't know…not be irrationally upset? And above is the "less than 5 minute" project. I can't recall ever being this quick to try to re-direct myself. Emphasis on "try".

This Perimenopause BS sucks. It's enough I'm a goof anyway…stir in some hormones and the real fun begins. SMH

Testing, testing…

Oi. I can be my own worst enemy…but we all knew that already! And I don't dare call my recent shenanigan (singular) a "calculated risk" because I essentially ignored calculations and simply went forward with a foolhardy plan: GMP wanted a professional massage and I said yes. And it was very professional…remarkably so. Once my gear was put away, I opened conversation with, "Everything I was taught about Boundaries and Ethics in massage school points to this being potentially a Very Bad Idea but…we did well. And…I don't think my boyfriend would be real pleased either."

I know I had something(s) I needed to prove to myself and to Gerald; promises were made that I just have to fulfill…for our mental health and for the reassurance of childhood friends we share. The roots run deeper than the fluctuations in our daily lives. We will all need each other again; best not to fuck with that.

I cringe at the possibility that I could have really fucked with my Bliss though. If my Love weren't such a Good Sport, I really don't know how this could have played out. I DO know that I won't be withholding any further exchanges with GMP from my Love. (I once explained to GMP that what I mostly felt for him was "agape"…quite reassuring to fully express just that and have it be of benefit to him.)

'Feeling very Blessed and loved…it all feels unconditional in all directions. Yum.

Like-Minded

Obviously I haven't stuck to the new art-ing routine…and that's just fine. If I find myself surprised by the lapse in entries, it's usually because I can't believe how engaged, or unengaged, I am in the world around me. There's a new sense of Flow developing in my Life and I'm hopeful that routines will magically spring forth for me and those close to me. I just don't feel like I've been giving enough back to those whose total and open acceptance of me has been…transformative.

I shared a Revelation verbally with a few close folks; a "distillation" of certain themes in my Life:
Since my first Campmeeting, I've been…moved?…in a Fresh Direction. In March 2013, I discovered just what that really meant. As I held my godfather and felt his Transition to Somewhere Else, I found myself suddenly resolved with the Great Whatever. I was released from my Anger at God.

All of those years caring for the dying, the chronically ill, and my children, made me take the Big Stuff as Burdens, maybe even Punishments. I honestly felt I'd never be free and my shoulders are (perhaps) permanently slumped from the perceived Load. When Sam died in my hands, I suddenly saw my Timeline and realized that all of these events were Lessons. It was a tough education and now I can finally feel accomplished! I AM living the Life I'm uniquely qualified to live! Very exciting stuff…

Yet, as a result, I fell into a string of painful, emotionally-charged relationships with men. My revelation? So much of what happened had to do with THEIR response to this New Inner Thang.
Boo = Jealousy. The more intensely I cared for my father, the farther he pulled away.
*** = Exploitation. He wanted me "dirty, nasty, sleazy"rather than…pure of heart.
GMP = Fear and Fury. I was Symbolic of a lot of…whatever…he felt the need to battle.
And not one of them had anything to put BACK IN. And this is why I'm certain my current Love is a Lasting One. He does nothing but recharge me…I've watched my health, my spirit, my compassion improve daily.

I still have Stuff I ought to be dealing with; apologies will flow forth soon…I can only hope I can be forgiven for my Omissions. Avoidance rarely improves situations. I know that and I'm almost there…I'm sorry. One day at a time is the best course I think...