This is entry marks a personal record as far as the time I've taken to write one blog. I woke up this morning and realized why: I'm (still) being carried along, a little behind myself, on this accelerated wave of introspection/intuition. Why? I can only guess but I'm pretty certain it started with the death of a relative in Texas. When I knew he was in his last hours, I was literally climbing the walls in Philadelphia and pacing through airports to get there. I just "went with it". And I've been trying to catch up to myself ever since. 
My Uncle Odell passed away March 3, 2006 at the age of 85. He leaves behind his wife, my Aunt Lil, who is my grandfather's sister, 2 sons, 6 grandchildren, and at least half-a-dozen great-granddaughters. His only great-grandson was born 9 days later, March 12, 2006.
There's a certain kind of perfection to the way the Life Cycle played out with my relatives. I wonder if there isn't a predisposition to die amongst kin and a specific reason for doing so. Wouldn't it be reassuring (depending how you look at it) to have your soul enter into such a familiar body?
I have never felt such a strong pull to go home to Texas. I was told about my uncle going into hospice care and I couldn't leave Philly fast enough. I arrived late in the day March 3rd and he had passed away that morning. Why this was so important to me I will never know. I certainly cared for my uncle; I was always fond of him. He was very sweet to me when I was a kid.
My aunt Lil was sweet to me, too. Their relationship was so strong and filled with genuine affection; one of the few positive role models for marriage I've had. During my stay, which included watching old home movies, I just basked in the love and affection that comes naturally to most of my relatives. That dose of love seemed to just propel me even further "into" myself.
So here's the laundry list of "stuff" that has popped up since then:
* I have found myself involved in my mother's unfinished business (at least that's my guess) on several occasions. I have no explanation and I don't gain anything directly so that's why I figure it's her business. My mother died 36 years ago in a car accident.
* I do accept responsibility for my actions no matter "what" drives them.
* In the bigger circle of family, I feel completely autonomous, respected and loved. During my stay, I couldn't give/get enough hugs and kisses. I thrive on family affection.
* I have a Minimum Daily Requirement of love and affection. Therefore, some of my bullshit happens when I have been experiencing love-anemia.
* Definition of "my bullshit": making repetitive choices that I know just create chaos. This is less about people and more about inner workings and addictions.
* The Good News: I am watching myself as I make these choices so I might just be on a journey to rid myself of my bullshit. Or some of it. I'll try to keep the positives and ignore the negatives. Wish me luck.
* Being a Massage Therapist has everything to do with the positives I've kept so far; that along with the Meditation Class I take. I meditate every time I ride the bus and the tools I've learned to use almost eliminate the symptoms of my love-anemia. I'm strong enough to see my bullshit more clearly. Not always a pleasant experience but totally worth it.
* If you ask me how I am, be prepared for me to answer honestly.
* I will always want to be considered a "good person".
* I don't tap my inner resources to the extent that I can. I don't know why I am self-limiting.
* This particular journey isn't about strength, it's about softening.
So that's it so far. I hope I am able to add the images I'd like. Thanx for reading and I hope you liked it.
Peace, Denise
Approximately 12 hours after writing this, my husband made a declaration: we are not moving to the Shore. We are selling that house and renovating this one. I was told that we would find a place for me to stay over this summer because he's planning to have the work started by then. This is the best choice because we could get up to $500,000 for the Shore place.
I have to be honest; my first thought was that I would take my half ($250,000 or more), keep my "place" and run my business. Not exactly a divorce but more like, "Hey! You just stomped out a whole set of dreams I had for the future and for us... give me my half and I'll start a set of new ones... for me."
My second thought is to refocus (I've done a shitlaod of housework today) and build what I have in front of me. It's going to be a major challenge. The man is not being very helpful in many many ways. Wish us both luck. -DMC
