Re/Turn

I'm back...

While not too much has changed since my retreat, I certainly feel like just enough pressure has been taken off to at least BREATHE! I am able to take action but I feel like I'm moving in baby steps. Eurecka! I just realized that I AM a baby! I haven't turned over a new leaf, I've started completely over. Life didn't take a turn for the worse, my house did!

Repeat after me: I am not my house and my house is not me. I am not my house and my house is not me. I am not my house and my house is not me. (Notice I didn't say "home". Creating one is my goal and I ain't there yet. I'll let you know when I am.)

Maybe this is "as good as it gets"? Hmmm. Guess I'll be eating some lemons for awhile but that's what this Blog is all about: sucking lemons and learning to like it.

Pucker up, Folks. Maybe someone will spontaneously kiss you. XO-D

shore lattice
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Re/Treat

I've decided to hide out for a few days. I'm at the Shore. I will lose internet access in about an hour because I'm using my daughter's laptop and she's leaving for home. I don't have my camera either. I do have my cell phone... actually 2. My only tech work will be setting up a new phone and number. I plan to walk the dog (Champ is staying with me), do yard work and make art. And maybe sunbathe. I have Monday thru Thursday to myself.

Sometimes a person just has to say "time out". It's one of my newest lessons. Let's see how it goes. I really need to jumpstart my ass... left to my own devices, can I trust myself to do more than sit and think? I'm really hoping so.

Wish me luck. DMC

Blog Bog

Well, I've added another load of art. When I tell someone new about my blog, I get a little compulsive about making sure there is something "good" to see. Hmmmm. What's that about?

untitled (detail of Korean War Memorial, Atlantic City, NJ)
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City of Brotherly Lovin'
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untitled (detail of exterior of Philadelphia Museum of Art, Philadelphia)
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9/11 (This is one of three images I gave to a Finnish opera company... long story. )
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untitled (detail of monument at Eakins Oval, Philadelphia)
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re-post (for whatever reason I'd like to keep this image as the first for awhile)
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orchid 1
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orchid 2
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untitled (detail of memorial to African-Americans who served in ... WWI, I think, Bejanmin Franklin Parkway, Philadelphia, PA)
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clematis
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untitled (detail of Korean War Memorial, 9/19/03)
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Comment Spam!?!?!?

I honestly didn't know that such a thing existed until today. I saw 2 comments on my previous post and I was soooo excited...

YUCK!

So now if you want to make a comment, there will be a word verification picture just to make sure a HUMAN is writing me.

And I was so jazzed. Bummer. -D

peace of mind (unedited snap)
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My So-Called Medicated Life

This is the first post that is directed toward an individual. "M" is a Shore Friend, mother, wife, daughter; I am in awe of her ability to keep up with her family. This past holiday weekend, I could barely keep up with myself!

As I have done before, I managed to run out of one of my meds. I accidentally dropped a day's worth down the drain Saturday morning. Typically, I would have gone into a panic, made a dozen desperate calls and then rushed to the closest drug store to pick up 1, maybe 2, pills. (I take 3 different meds for Panic Disorder and naturally, I lost the ones I have to take every 12 hours. SHIT!) But this time, I just decided to ration what I had left rather than get myself all wound up with so little vacation time left.

After a couple of rocky days, I'm safely home. My prescriptions are filled and I had a good night's sleep. I feel somewhat foolish for having put myself in such a position in the first place... Thank you "M" for allowing me to hang-out, vent, and keep it together. Here's to you:

My So-Called Medicated Life

300mg of Wellbutrin
40mg of Celexa
2mg Klonopin

That's what it takes for me to keep my Panic Disorder symptoms at bay. I still tend to think in a very "flight-or-fight" way but I'm working on it. The total cost for a month of meds is now approx. $250. (Just paying for the stuff is stress enough. I just ended my COBRA plan and had to get bare minimum health coverage. We're still researching our options. )

Do I resent being medicated? No. Can I imagine Life without them? Not completely. Do I know why I have Panic Disorder? I have a lot of hunches, greatest of which is that I am simply stuck in stress-mode. Real or imagined, it makes no difference. I see it as a consequence of my inability to keep pace with the world around me. Mentally, I'm "on my toes" at all times and have been perhaps since childhood. I'm learning to unwind a little at a time. I'm learning to be more patient, more open-minded, more "centered", more... me!

This past brush with withdrawal symptoms was manageable because I wasn't afraid. I was able to accept the consequences rather than give in to fear. I made it home okay.

How? By putting my trust in others and setting aside my need to control. By hanging out on the beach with "M" and her family and allowing myself to feel safe with them. By allowing myself to be pleasantly distracted, knowing that if there happened to be an emergency, I would be rescued. (Luckily that didn't happen... and how presumptuous am I?) For a person with PD, this is a very big deal especially since I was more than a little shaky and under-medicated.

So thank you "M" for accepting who I am. It meant a lot to me.

Peace, Denise