2016

This is my first, and only, image of the year. I spent yesterday in the 'Hut because I wasn't feeling well and this is what I made. Hmmm. Whomever else exists in my brain has been asleep too long.

My PD has been under control but I'm either depressed (the irony is surreal…too depressed to care) or slipping a little into Disassociation. I'm losing the battle with the very particular stress of my finances; my creativity goes into counting my change and into Wishful Thinking. And not one ounce of energy was spent yesterday solving my financial strife; checking and re-checking my bank balance doesn't count. The three private clients I have in the coming days will keep me in food, cigs, and gas until my tax refund hits.

What's even more stupid is that I really ought to be grateful that I've had so much assistance in the last 18 months. Who knows where I'd be if I hadn't had someone to slip me major cash here and there? Why can't I take some gratitude and turn it into enthusiasm? Why am I not boosted by this support? Why do I spend endless hours on his couch, just sitting? (I actually know the answer; I'm just waiting for a way to express it.)

I still find my mind drifting back to the nothingness of Disassociation when I stop to ponder my mental health. I'm still mad at my past. I'm back in debt, financially and spiritually.

But in a few hours I'll shower and head to the local beauty shop to do Chair Massage…IF someone wants one. Some days people do, some days they don't. Making money has never really been the point with this particular gig. I'm going because my time with this group of older women gives me Hope. I can say with a degree of confidence that I won't feel as lousy 12 hours from now.

'Not really a cheerful start to the year but that's ok. At least I didn't devote my time to writing about not writing…