Forced "Art-ing"

Pfffft…I'm in a bit of a procrastination rut. 'Not sure why so I decided to back away from social media for the rest of my day (probably wise) and take at least 30 minutes to put something here. So here. Here it is.

I could easily just leave the post as it is with one 5 minute piece of "art-ing" and 5 sentences. Naw. My last entry title sucked for the same reason; just not giving it my usual effort. Am I too happy to write? Maybe. Too many emotional needs being met? Too comfortable? Maybe and maybe. I'm simply too content sometimes to just sit on my ass and think…

I have a lot to be grateful for right now and this "rut" feels like an attack from my Inner Brat. "Things are too good…you're gonna fuck it all up. Or you'll get fucked…by something…sometime." It's a voice I hate to hear because it means there's still that urge for self-sabotage. Tsk tsk. I'm not qualified to decipher it all but I know it's silly to even indulge the Brat's ideas.

I've officially had 3 bouts of Being Neurotic with my Good Sport and it's frustrating. I really do know better but…that Inner Brat likes to make Little Things into Big Things and redirect focus onto Her. Sadly, while I was able to divorce my primary source of Neurotic Angst, I haven't dropped all of my Reactive Behavior. I'm working on it. And I hope my Guy understands and continues to be patient. (Alright, the man's already a damn SAINT as far as that goes!) I'm still learning how to give people their "space"and still be present; I tend to be "on" or "off"… doesn't work that way with Love. Love is being present and open…not waiting to interject or interact or improve or fix. Just being there is what's really important. So the Inner Brat's gonna have to shut the fuck up. Period.

I've got things to take care of. I have my Life to take care of.

Only Humans Project Future Windfalls...

Relation Ships

First post of 2015… and I'm not feeling the least bit clever…or witty. My title refers to my family mostly; so immersed in our Selves that we might as well be passing ships. We might as well use flag signals and cannon fire for communications. Okay, we're not that bad but there is a lot of crosstalk rather than direct conversation. I feel like my immediate family has decided upon an opinion of me by committee, rather than ask me anything directly. (I have no such issue with cousins et al.)

The opinion? I'm guessing they've all decided that I've got some kind of "problem" with my dad. That I'm angry and than I've been maliciously withholding my attentions. Of course, it doesn't help that he's consistently a Jerk to me but that's neither here nor there…he's "him". And I…am "me".

2013-14 brought more Inner Shit Storm Changes than any one person will ever realize. I've been lucky in that I've had so much wonderful support from friends, cousins, a pen pal, and a Man I Adore; not so much interest from immediate family. And that's cool but…I'm not liking how they've projected something else onto my behavior. I didn't just retreat from them but from EVERYONE, especially those with Snark Potential. I just wasn't up for unnecessary mean-spiritedness.

I had some major challenges to my mental health in the last 18 months and I wonder if my family truly appreciates 1) how far I've come in my recovery from PD and 2) how much actual work goes into that process DAILY. I went from unable to drive to putting in over 150 mi in a work day! That alone is huge…and not always guaranteed for the future! After more than a decade of treatment, I'm not gonna lose ground. Not for anyone…at least any more. I made that mistake recently enough and I finally feel like I might be on the up-side. I needed some real repair and I'm so very fortunate to have surrounded myself with truly loving, gentle people.

So…what am I going to do? Dunno. I really hoped I'd have an opportunity to talk over the holidays but that didn't happen. I want to tell them to drop the BS and say what they mean. If my dad's feelings are hurt, I need to hear it from him and not anyone else. Rather than just see me as some kind of financial Loser, why not see the good I bring through my work and where I'm living? If you want something, ASK…just like everyone else does. Want to see me? INVITE me. Want to talk? CALL. And if you want me to stay? BE NICE. (haha…if you just say the words that are in caps, it's a pretty good slogan…"Ask. Invite. Call. Be Nice.") There really is no mystery here people. I'm just not up for any mocking, derision, impatience, grammar correction, manipulation or sarcasm.

**sigh** Well I at least got some of it written down for a change. Here's to Progress!