Sparrow Smacking the Window

NOTE: I wrote this on the iPad and the formatting is whack. I may or may not change it. -DMC 7/6: edited it.

That noise you heard was me lol! It's a respectable metaphor. I've been fluttering around (but still moving forward)and then SCHMACK.

My doctor's office has screwed me over for the second and final time. You just don't fuck around w someone's meds! I'm tempted to say "psych meds" but...if I were a diabetic, I'd be dead. I left a number of rambling voice mails and spoke w the pharmacy and it was embarrassing! I know I sounded like a hot pathetic mess. And then this morning, I'm like, "oh hell no...this is just not acceptable." I'm missing two days at my McJob (I'm unable to make the drive without anti-anxiety meds) but, since I made a lot of extra $$ this week, I'm not going to be hurting and honestly, it will be nice to recoup.

 Why was I fluttering? Well, first of all, I'm definitely engaged in a process that honestly, only the Great Whatever could have put together. I've been having a PTSD-like reaction to memories: nightmares, added anxiety, crying, fibromyalgia-type pain. Truly not a good time BUT evidently it's been the Right Time. Yesterday, my Dad came to town so we could spend the day together. It's our town's annual festival and he rode in the parade with me. Very fun. I made him lunch, he napped a little and then we went to fairgrounds. Kinda dumb cuz it was the hottest, most deserted time of day. (And I just realized that he didn't bitch once the whole day! This is pretty relevant.) We went to DQ for (matching!) Blizzards and we had the most amazing talk.

 When we were at my house, he couldn't help but overhear my ranting voice messages. He hadn't realized I was still dealing with PD to that extent; I seemed fine to him. I was able to convey my emotional exhaustion; that I've been trying to move on from some seriously fucked up shit for most of my adult life and I need to move on and be well! The Revelation: he's pretty much in the same boat. There was a point when we both burst into tears...at the Dairy Queen. I know we'll both remember these moments for the rest of our lives.

'Makes me cry because I'm very aware that our years together are finite. While I knew that returning to Texas would likely stir up stuff, I never expected that I'd be working this hard and that I would be so rewarded. And now I get to sit here and wait for tomorrow's inevitable "fun": withdrawal symptoms, confrontations, driving around under-medicated (doable here in town but definitely a struggle) and BS from the McJob. Soooo tempted to publicly call out this doctor's practice. And I HATED the way the pharmacy said that his office is usually "so good" about this kind of thing. 'Like there's a legitimate reason for the BS. I'm switching it ALL tomorrow.

 The other great stuff recently has been about my relationships here. There were several times this week that folks made a point of spending time with me and really, it's the lesser gestures that become the most relevant. I've sit with the same group of women in the VIP area at our festival for all 3 years I've been here; it's now what we "do". Does this make them my "dearest friends"? No BUT their support socially ensures that, unless I really fuck up or vice versa, we have each other's backs. These ladies even had me blushing at one point; they told me why they love "Neesy". I forgot how much we ALL need to hear that. Excellent reminder that the best way to get beyond our own inner mess is to have fellowship with others. For the atheists, this is why smart people go to church. The Great Whatever doesn't necessarily intermingle directly but creates "the weather" and "the seasons". We most definitely operate on our own Free Will but when I listen to the Greater Forecast, the "seeds" I plant are more likely to grow...and there are no guarantees even if we are "listening". Proceeding with no guarantees is a pretty sound definition of Faith. I've got that. Church is an opportunity for me to look around and develop a sense of perspective and celebrate my love for the human race in general. A safe house for agape.

 So I hope I'm able to make the most of my unexpected time off. Writing here was on my list and I can now check it off. Nice work, Cyber Self. A nugget of criticism: too many quotation marks. Better to use Proper Nouns lol. (C'mon...lighten up!)   And, for the sake of Balance, I'm putting the Punkin Chunker away for the Summer unless I absolutely need it. Maybe put it in a garage sale. I suspect that I might have a reader or two who, in my opinion, might be best served by learning to use this Device... (Remember boys and girls, always be aware of the area behind your targets. Better yet, aim for wide open space instead like Well-Seasoned Punkin Chunkers.)  For now, build your own Chunker. Namaste Y'all!