Denise MC

Good Life

2012-02-02T14:52:00.003-05:00

Yes! My appointment book is filling up with steady, weekly work AND new clients. (whew) I know it's too soon to feel relief but hey, I've been crunching numbers daily for quite awhile. (Probably always will!) It's just good to see progress on the spreadsheet.

I met my CP client for the first time. Wow. What a challenge. She's almost too mobile but has a very cheery disposition...just gotta stay aware. She was so upset that I wasn't her usual therapist. But my magical, musical Zenvi saved the day and we had a nice session eventually. I found out afterwards that a few therapists only visited once. Mother and daughter are so closely intertwined; if Mom was uptight, daughter cried. Mom finally relaxed, daughter and I had a few good laughs. I feel happy about going back. What an awesome source of income. I wouldn't mind having a few more clients from HCT.

It's turned into a lazy, cloudy day so I felt obliged to make something. I have 3 clients tonight so I don't want to take on any projects...better to look busy in the office than clean!

Cyber-Self: Stand. Check chair for laurels. Remove.

And I ain't got nuthin' to chunk today. This a very good thing and indicative of making the right choices....even if it took more than a year to do so. So it goes.

I Could Have Been Done w/ My Taxes!

2012-01-31T12:37:00.000-05:00

Year of the Dragon

2012-01-29T22:12:00.002-05:00

I'm a Dragon in the Chinese horoscope; Sagittarian in the traditional (?) astrology. I have a friend in Philly whose birthday is a week after mine (literally) and we call ourselves "SagDragons". Fran and I raised our babies together and we totally rocked community development in our day. Ain't nobody gonna mess with a white mom and a black mom, both with babies on the hip. We got things done.

I'm kinda feeling an inner stirring in that direction; in that mood. We weren't bitches unless a situation warranted a return volley of equal or greater bitchiness. Fran and I were about softening the edges of our respective communities and letting our kids grow up without prejudice or malice. Our Title One school lay on the border of our neighborhoods and by golly, we were gonna have peace so we could have a quality education for our children. There was grant money to utilize and we were gonna insure that it was used well so we would qualify for more. I miss that vitality; maybe it's an urban thing. People here seem in no hurry to fix any racial divisiveness. I've lost respect for a few people because of it, that's fer sure.

Thank God for the new company I'm working for. I get to provide massage therapy to kids with disabilities, mostly CP and brain injury, and it's paid for by Medicare. (How cool is that?) I travel twice a week through Tank Town to a trailer park and work with a young man who was shot at age 3. Most of the time, unless they're talking to me, the family speaks Spanish. I am the minority in this place and that's just dandy. His mother and I kinda have a little of that SagDragon energy but...not. It's a very positive situation and the kiddo is brilliant in so many ways. I meet my first CP client next Wednesday.

I went to our Chamber of Commerce banquet last night and stayed longer than I did last year. It was interesting. I asked a friend to save a seat but I ran late so we found me one close by... I accidently ended up seated next to our mayor, with his wife, the owners of the local paper and the manager of a national drug store chain at the table. Makes me laugh. A random woman "friended" me this morning. We have two Friends in common: the mayor and the membership services person for the Chamber. I don't recall being introduced. I accepted her invite and also included a note. I just gotta know why! It was good to mingle and better to catch up with people I truly enjoy. Our town has some really awesome and influential folks. The "bad guys" in our local government are gonna have a tougher time in the years ahead...

I guess that SagDragon feeling has to do with my lightened emotional load. I can't spend my time and energy fretting over people who 1) could give a rat's ass and/or 2)have more control over my quality of life than they should. I feel like I've put down a sack of rocks and still don't know all of the reasons I decided to carry it for so long. It was nice to convey to a few folks last night that life has taken a better turn even if it meant things being a little messy. No ill-will to give. 'Don't know what exactly will phoenix out of the ashes of burnt bridges... kinda sorta don't care either. Sweet indifference. I miss it.

And church ROCKED today. We've had a substitute preacher for the past two weeks and both Sundays I left feeling totally jazzed. The man is retired but he's still got that Certain Something. (And we aren't even Evangelicals!) We've also added more singing to the services since the church hired a new choir director. (He's done wonders to improve my voice...!) Pretty sure the higher endorphins are from the aerobic/mental/technical endeavor of singing. I'm so awake and then to hear REAL words of encouragement is just downright joyous. (Not a word I hear often enough.)

So maybe this is "my" year. Naw... sounds too much like I'm waiting for the Prize Patrol.

Cyber-Self: Good to see you pull yourself together after the crime you witnessed...and after the newspaper report contradicted what you saw. It's so tempting to charge at the powers-that-be at full force but this is a time of great restraint. You did meticulously put together a timeline of the event and the reporter now knows that the authorities lied and for now that's good enough. Today's nap was proof.

Punkin-Chunkin: I feel like I'm being enticed to some degree to pick up "rocks" for a new sack to carry; to warn others of potential emotional/social danger. So....I really gotta chunk that urge out ASAP! And now that I've pretty much laid out the Chunkin field, if someone gets "hit" by a Punkin, I have no sympathy for you. Move out of the way for Pete's sake. Geez. Find something less important to do. It ain't all about you.

Oh the Things We Tell Ourselves...

2012-01-24T13:05:00.002-05:00

'Only title I could think of in the moment but it doesn't relate to anything today.... I'm on the last legs of processing a crime that I witnessed (or should I say witnessed a portion of?). I feel very blessed to have people in my Life that I can turn to and say, "Hey, this doesn't make a lot of sense but...I'm having a heck of a time getting over _____." It's amazing what you can receive when you ask. After several nights without good sleep, I finally decided I needed to ask for help before my anixiety got worse. Slept great last night. God is good.

Cyber-Self: Now that the majority of knots are gone from your Tangled Fishing Line, it's okay to put it away until you're bored. Reel that Sucker up, take mental note of where it still needs work, and go about your business.

Punkin-Chunkin: Not much to chuck. I'll wait.

Morning Detanglin'

2012-01-19T10:10:00.003-05:00

This is a photo of my dance surface in my home studio circa 2007(?). The total size was close to 6'x6' and was made with remnant flooring and black gaffer's tape. During the 90's, I created at least 4 performance art pieces on this surface including one titled, "Living in My Sweet Little Box" and "Fuck John Zorn". My feet miss the vinyl and the tape...I miss looking down and seeing 45 degree angles.

'Just randomly decided to use the floor pic for my MDR art.

Addendum: A friend of mine posted that today is Janis Joplin's birthday. I posted the link to her picture and it started nice quiet cry. My mother died a month and a day after Janis. Being almost 6, I absorbed that time like a sponge and there are certain songs that I always took literally... Cry Baby Nice. Nothing like a healthy saline wash from within! Tears are awesome.

Evening Detanglin'

2012-01-18T22:21:00.002-05:00

Just had a wonderful phone conversation with an awesome young man I know. I truly appreciate his forthrightness in building our friendship and it's brick-by-brick slow-goin's, too. But he'd be the first to tell you that talking one-to-one is a major challenge for him. His effort warms and softens my heart. He reminds me so much of my son! He's a good person who sometimes has a hard time conveying.... just: "conveying."

Most of us take the ability to communicate for granted and that's where we get into Trouble. A big snag in the Tangled Line is my frustration at the lack of compassion in some folks. It's like they can't even muster enough empathy to even reverse roles for a nanosecond. It freaks me out. Inept Conveyors are everywhere and we should treat them with love and respect. I know because I am one!

My daughter and I came to the conclusion that my version of Tough Love sounds like: blubber blubber blubber boo-hoo sniffle "please" blubber blubber sob sob "stop" blubber blubber blah blah blah blah... It's essentially ineffective and, at it's worst, has made my children pity me. Sad.

So I raise my hands in the air and yell to the Great Whatever: "I SUCK at conveying Tough Love!" and then I have to laugh because I suck at a lot of things. I could get hoarse! And how silly would that look? No sillier than I look now.

Cyber-Self: I know it's tempting, but don't dye your hair just yet. Not quite time for a makeover. Consider this your horoscope for the rest of January.

Punkin-Chunkin: Created a chore for myself that I just flat out don't want to do. Pfft. But, in the interest of hurling 2011, I will do it tomorrow.

Some People Who Think like Me

2012-01-16T14:17:00.004-05:00

(watch "Question!") I first saw this video when I was working for the Opera Company of Philadelphia. Our production of Mozart's "The Magic Flute" was visually very similar and I wondered if maybe somehow someone copied OCP...?

It was definitely pre-9/11 but SOAD was very much a part of my Process. They are descendants of Armenian Genocide survivors. I felt very connected to all of their sensibilities: visual, political, lyrical, technical. These guys have high end chops.

Don't know why I wandered into watching their videos again but happy to see that I still get a lot out of watching them.

My godparents were in a car accident. They have since been back and forth a few times between hospital and home... I haven't had a chance to get to Oak Hill to see how they really are. (Both of them were so doped up when I last called that I decided to wait a few days.)

Certainly made for another eerily other-earthly situation sensation. I had been pondering for days and days as to whether I should take this chair massage gig in South Austin. Doing so would mean driving a lot, potentially making less money (at least at first) but then again, it would put me less than 5 minutes away from my Dad and Mark's parents and maybe 15 minutes away from my godparents twice a week. I had just committed to 8 weeks when I got the call about the car accident. Interesting how things work out sometimes. The Great Whatever can have a practical side.

Cyber-Self: Not gonna lie, I'm pretty damned impressed by your progress on the Tangled Fishing Line. I know you'll be done in no time at all. Good Luck.

Punkin-Chunkin: All of August-December 2011...oops...too big for just one chunkin'. Dang Nabbit. I hate chores. (sigh) First things first.

FORE!

"B.Y.O.B!"

Scarecrow

2012-01-11T14:29:00.000-05:00

I have no idea why/how/who/what.

Entry Shortcut

2012-01-11T10:26:00.002-05:00

Good Morning, Cyber-Universe and Cyber-Self,

I always like calling God, the "Great Whatever." I know there's a "Something" but I know I'm not liking the "Super-Human Version." Anyhoo, the link below is a very accurate expression of my Walk. For as dark as I can be sometimes, it's a very Pollyanna view. So it goes.

Nuf said:

(Hope it works. I could look it up... it's an Affirmation presented to Mary Kay consultants.)

Discipleship Denied

2012-01-09T18:32:00.007-05:00

(if the font is weird, it's because I gave up on making it match! blogger has goblins.)

I've been working on my Tangled Fishing Line... when I've had a chance. My daughter was just here for a week. (So many wonderful conversations with her, btw. I'm saving all that for another entry or for an image.) I thought about recent interpersonal messes and concluded that, at some point, I will be offering an apology. I will put on the table examples of my own Discipleship Denied.

"Each one of us hens shares something each week called “discipleship denied.” This is to represent a time during the week in which although called to follow the teachings of Christ, we failed to do so. This can be either a big or small event. To recognize our failures, we must be self-aware. This is like confession time. Sometimes, confessing our shortcomings is really difficult." from the blog: robbinswrites

There were a number of times I could have acted upon circumstances in a much more firm and direct manner. I should have just allowed myself to be hated from the get-go and nip this crap in the bud. Doing nothing is sometimes worse than acting. I sat by and watched mistakes and said nothing. And it wasn't as if this were happening in just one realm of my life either. There's a broader lesson here...a challenge that I'm such a wuss about. Do I risk looking self-righteous and judgemental? Or do I, as I did recently, worry incessantly over the people I care about? Who am I protecting?

Cyber-Universe: I'm walking into some new realms this week. I'm hopeful that I will encounter a less worrisome future.

Cyber-Self: Congrats on the clean office and the organized gear! Puttering suits you. XO

Evening, New Year's Day

2012-01-01T22:17:00.002-05:00

It's weird how goofy the font behaved in my prior post. Goblins?

Went to a local party. What a great evening with good people. Always makes me wonder, after a night like tonight, how I ever end up spending time with anyone less than wonderful...good people are everywhere!

With such efficient puttering and sorting today, I'm beginning the year very mellow and very clean. A lot of worries have left my conscience and I'm so very eager to take on endeavors that are rewarding for me and for those I love. Waste not, want not.

Cyber-Universe: I've chunked most of my current "pumpkins" but I'd recommend that folks not wander about the field just in case. I love watching my concerns arc into space and splatter; might be a little trigger happy in 2012.

Cyber-Self: You know that I know that you know that I know. They don't and never will.

Early New Year's Day

2012-01-01T11:01:00.006-05:00

I received an update from my friend whose mother-in-law is very sick. Our first correspondance is in entry, "Second to Last Entry of 2011":

"M**** not doing well. Pneumonia better, but heart very weak and her time with us is likely to be a few months at most a year. She is now receiving some rehab in hopes to improve strength a little bit. We are with her hubby, Bob's stepdad Dwight right now. Prayers for peace, strength and good decisions welcomed! Wishing you and Mark all the best for 2012!
xoxo"

My answer:

You too! Offer of "time outs" still stand.

And here's one thing that I feel like I'm meant to share:
I spent yesterday helping an elderly client put away her Christmas decorations. Her, her husband and I sing in the church choir. She paid me $5 an hour (bless her heart!) but they also took Mark and I out to lunch.

Before we ate, we joined hands and prayed. In public. I can't quite describe it except to say that having people look at us actually added to the power of it. I never ever saw people do this in Philly. It truly fills my heart and kinda blows my mind and my spirit...so...yummy?

Maybe its time (and for all I know you already do) to join hands as often as possible when these decisions need to be made. Join hands with her! Bless the situation so everyone can be open and honest and sad and anything they need to be...within the framework of his mother's desires. And remember there are phases in this process of dying (some potentially very challenging) which lead ultimately to acceptance which is so very beautiful to bear witness to. I know that my life has been shaped by this beauty in others.

And cry often as it's very very good for your health. <3"

Last Entry for 2011

2011-12-29T08:54:00.003-05:00

(music playing: album "El Camino" by the Black Keys. The package had a sticker that said, "Play Loud" Will do, Mildew.)

What a weird feeling I'm having right now. I can't recall ever giving myself a writing assignment for this space. I have about an hour to get it done; I've also given myself a deadline. Luckily my desk Feng Shui is set correctly. I have a pile of stuff that has to be done and it's less than an inch from my left elbow and higher than my resting arm.

My Snow Globe Christmas

What a Welcome Home gift from God. There were 5 gatherings in all. It was as if this time existed in it's own separate universe. The snow globe reference is more about the protection of glass. The contents were in no way a static hyper-idyllic tableau.

Dec. 23rd Caroling Party: (sigh) What a wonderful, engaging group of good people. Great conversations with all kinds of folks, from toddlers to actual peers and every age in between. There was never time for a dull moment...it was a whirlwind of activity until we all sat down to eat. Pretty sure we were more than 20 in number at a table that ran the whole length of the house. Then some of us went caroling which was a total blast; sometimes we were yelling, other times mumbling because we couldn't see our caroling books in the dark! HAHA! We were well-received and even fed at one stop. When we got back to the house, I said my goodbyes because I knew the young'uns had a night of partying ahead. In retrospect, these young ladies' plan for this gathering was genius. What a warm loving place...

Dec. 24th Godmother's Birthday Party-(Back Story): From the time I was 6 until I left for Philly at 22, my dad, sister and I spent every Christmas morning with my Godparents' family; they have 4 boys close to our age. Our tradition with them made the holidays bearable. (Dad was always always tense for all of November to New Year's because of my mother's death.) My Godfather would make us enormous Screwdrivers or Bloody Marys to go with brunch. I think I was served at age 13? And, also true to tradition, we always pissed off the extended family because we were always late for Christmas dinner and, of course, drunk. Ahhhh, dysfunction.

One reason I chose Lockhart was that my Godparents lived here. They have since moved away because their eldest bought them a house next to his. It broke my heart. I think it broke theirs a little too. My Godparents are conspicuously nearing their Final Days. When I was told that they wanted to have a party with all of us, by golly, it was going to happen.

Her Party: Not only did all four of their sons make it but my sister did, too. (jeez, now I'm tearing up!) My Godfather never left his chair but he seemed very happy. After a few of us decided he felt too cool, one son discreetly took his BP. There was so much laughing and teasing and eating. Their new house was full of people who love them. (Full cry now) Those few hours will always be near and dear to me. It just feels like it was a one-time shot and we did it great. Words are useless. (The tears are actually clearing my head cold...bonus?)

Dec. 24th Meredith-Moreland Traditional Christmas Eve Gatherin' of Cousins: Wow. They make a new "layer" of people every year. I had to literally wade through generations of blood relatives to get from room to another. (Or out to get "fresh air" i.e. smoke haha!) My Aunt Lil is 87 and this was the first time all of us were in her house since my Uncle Odell's funeral several (6?) years ago. What struck me most was the conversation I had with my closest cousins regarding my Dad's Parkinsons... I don't know if he realizes how much he is loved. There's a very large streak of Unconditional Love, mostly from my Aunt Lil's branch, that has made for a wonderfully diverse, creative, eccentric group of folks that I am sooooo proud to be a part of. I don't know if they realize how much I love THEM. Plus my Aunt Lil has hundreds of photo albums of ALL of us throughout our lives...can't visit without looking through a few. I feel my roots and they go all the way down to bedrock.

Dec. 25th Dinner at my Sister's: It was quiet, restful. After all, we had spent the day before together. This was our chance to chill. Precious moment: Dad turned to me and commented on the book I made, "I appreciate your willingness to be so open in your work. Is it okay if I show it to everyone else?" He looked a little teary-eyed. Art has always been our Secret Language; it makes us twins unto ourselves. I can feel him slipping away into Parkinson's a little bit at a time....

My Boo worked all three of those days but he was happy. Especially when I came home bearing goodies. (more tears...!) "Love" should have as many names as Eskimos have for "snow".

Dec. 26th Lunch with Boo's parents: even more quiet than Christmas and just as lovely. They are doing remarkably well considering their son's death in August. Grief is the hardest way to bond with a family but it runs deep. The only thing deeper is Birth.

After that, it was back to Real Life. Oi. It's as if God has handed me a wad of tangled fishing line; I don't get to "fish" until I figure it out. But that's cool, too....just as long as I get a Christmas like that a couple times in my Life.

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'Didn't make my deadline and I have to get up to see a client. Work? I know, right? haha

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The Wad of Tangled Fishing Line

Maybe one day I'll be a puzzle-solving genius. Maybe one day I'll know better where to place my trust and my faith. Maybe one day I won't be such an easy target for insensitive people. Maybe one day I won't care. All I know is that the harder I try to work on this tangled wad, the tighter some parts of the tangle get. Scissors are tempting but I believe it's important to take a break and re-visit the tangle when I have much more patience. Or maybe when I feel a sense of purpose in doing so.

Punkin-Chunkin' into the Cyber-Universe

One wish I have for the New Year is to feel secure in my little Cyber-Space here. (Someone decided to be indignant about a rant and tell their mother and other people. "Look how mean Denise is. Look at what she called me!" ) I don't have the diligence to look for ways to control readership nor would I anyway. I read other people's blogs and I've never once thought it was my place to use their words against them. This is a journal of my life. This is a stream-of-consciousness picture book to be archived after I die. Granted, a lot has changed in the blog realm...there are many that are meant for public consumption. This one really isn't.

So...Dear Reader, if you're looking for your own ugliness, you will find it here. If you're looking for reassurance, beauty (I hope), humor, rage, yada yada, it's here, too. 'Just realize that many of these words are being chucked away from me. Taking ownership of someone else's trash is...trashy. If temptation proves to be just too too much, let me give you a visual: You and a friend decide to go to a Punkin-Chunkin'. Your friend walks around admiring the creativity and engineering of the machinery while you're out in the field looking at splattered pumpkins. Who's gonna leave with more insight?

Since I rarely mention people by name, except for family, it will be interesting to read this one day and wonder what it was all about. I hope I'm able to forget it. Probably not.

New Year's Resolution

To thine own Cyber-Self be true. I'll be damned if I let _____ and _____ (or even _____ and ____) censor me! (that's a joke btw so don't go counting blank spaces to see how many people I'm talking about...geez)

Goodbye 2011. Not gonna lie, 2010 was much better for me personally but who knows what the year ahead holds. You never know which day will be your last.

Second to the Last Entry for 2011

2011-12-28T09:16:00.006-05:00

I came to the computer ready to write but chose to read my email first. I had a note from a friend from high school asking for prayers; her mother-in-law has pneumonia. Her husband is in his late 60's and has been steadily declining in health himself. I'd estimate his mother in her 80's.

I spent a lot of time writing my response. It will most likely be today's "filter". This is what I wrote:

"When I think about the two of you, I do see you as "M**B**". You epitomize to me the ideal of what a truly loving, bonded marriage should be; you are one. There's boundless power in that unity and you've certainly have had the opportunity to prove it in the past. ('Guess that makes you a Power Couple! )

I say this because well...we all know this transitional "place". One day, perhaps not for years, the focus will turn to prayers for peace rather than recovery. We already know it will make our hearts ache but we've learned to pray with confidence. We become the matriarchs and patriarchs of our families. We understand the underlying responsibility to be examples for our young, supports for our peers, and caretakers of our elders. It is another rite of passage. But I'm sure you both already know all of this.

So please, let me know if there's anything I can do. And if you need to hide for a couple of hours, I'm pretty certain no one will find you in Lockhart. Take good care of yourselves, take your vitamins, give yourselves some TLC.

I might not get to see ya'll often enough but know I treasure you. Meeting ya'll was one of the greatest homecoming gifts of all. XOXOXOXO"

Maybe sometime today or tomorrow I will write the last entry for the year. 'Seems necessary. Though none of us could ever truly tie up all of our "loose ends", its nice (and traditional) to say goodbye to the year. And every time I'm tempted to say that 2011 sucked, I immediately think of all the good stuff that didn't. But make no mistake, I am quite ready to give it a wave.

Cyber-Universe: I don't know exactly when I started this format. 'Not even sure why. What I DO know is that its mostly crap thrown into space. Bullshit that I'm throwing away. UN-recyclable. Not intended for consumption.

Cyber-Self: The dryer buzzer went off twice. Better go before things wrinkle.

And so it goes.

2011-12-22T18:26:00.000-05:00

Happy Hanukkah, Happy Winter Solstice

2011-12-21T21:17:00.004-05:00

'Forgot I had readership. umm...hmmmm...class dismissed (?)

Bonus Tip for the Day: Never ever refer to a person's blog for validation in an emotionally-charged situation. You lose any future advantage.

Gesundheit.

Trying to...

2011-12-20T13:15:00.002-05:00

muster together enough self-discipline to NOT lose my temper on a couple of...couple of...LOSERS (see? not doing a good job.) Its enough you gotta root through my social life like a wild hog but the games infuriate me. And I KNOW that's the desired result...argh...

BUT the Good News is that they've at least finished working their "charm" on one special circle. Someone referred to my appearance, unescorted by the Porcine Parade, as being "like the good ol' days." Says a lot since I've been here just over 2 years.

My blog should really be more about the High Road and I know that. 'Maybe 2012 will be free of Entitlement Swine.

2011-12-18T23:07:00.000-05:00

Long time since last post...

2011-12-18T16:22:00.002-05:00

because I've been putting all of my creativity into another book for Dad.

For all of you Whisperers and Schemers in Cyber-Universe: it's bad Juju and you should stop. You may think you're really quite clever, diplomatic, organized...whatever your rationalization...but you look like a Fool that has to whisper and scheme rather than communicate outright. Perhaps 2012 is the year you give it up?

Cyber-Self: Kinda wished you had documented recent personal progress but...whatever. A lot of (delightfully delicious) tears went into the last couple of months. It's good to be clean from within. And you're too old for Mean Girls of any age. Oops...the two things, tears and meanness, weren't always related. I had lot of Joy-Tears.

I hear jingle bells.

Process

2011-11-28T11:01:00.002-05:00

The full explanation is on my Shutterfly page.

Cyber-Universe: I was harsh yesterday. 'Can't honestly be sorry though. As I learned from a few choice women this weekend, it's good be a strict mother. The goal is to raise children who are self-disciplined, self-sufficient, self-loving, respectful, and kind. Personally, I sucked at that for the most part with my own kids. 'Sometimes its was too easy to shrug my shoulders and say, "But I didn't have a mother!" That's bullshit. I have lots of mothers and I know better...now.

Cyber-Self: So okay. You made some stuff and you made your point. Now look to your left...no more play time until that pile is done! (I'm such a Task Master...not!)

And "so it goes". (now that's time travel lol...if you followed the link)

2011-11-27T11:26:00.004-05:00

Just to catch you up, the previous post states: "Birthday sucked." True dat. 'Didn't see it coming and I'm actually glad it happened the way it did.

Last year about this time, Boo and I were driving home from a party when the song, "Dedicated to the One I Love" by the Mamas and Papas played on my iPod. He cranked it up and played it over and over and by the third time we're both yelling/singing in harmony. Awesome. Significant.

Last year was the 40th anniversary of my mother's death in a car accident. That song was my parent's "song". My father used it in a film school short about his being away in 'Nam.

It's also mine and my daughter's. Great love songs aren't about romance.

So here was the man I love, falling in love with such an Important Song. And then I realized that it was the 40th anniversary and I had to smile at God. I love it when things get soooo connected.

This year I wasn't connected to anything but Facebook. 'Had a great day before, celebrating with family. 'Had a great day after, too. But the actual day was just pitiful. I'm pretty much over it today...I think. 'Might have a cold.

Dear Cyber-Universe: Hmmm. If you think something's unethical and/or immoral, it probably is. Never, ever presume I've personally made any kind of judgement unless I feel compelled, out of Love, to say something. Otherwise...please...get over yourselves already. Don't make me some type of symbol of opposition. 'Waste of time...for me especially.

Cyber-Self: You go, Grrrl. But the minute you start taking yourself too seriously, it's all over. Lighten up.

The Mamas and Papas

2011-11-26T00:36:00.001-05:00

Birthday sucked.

Done...

2011-11-04T11:12:00.003-04:00

My Shutterfly book is on the way, I renewed my Massage License and I (finally) figured out what was f*ed up with my daughter's college tuition payments. These things hung on me for weeks and I'm feeling a little ridiculous that all three were done either in a matter of moments or the solution finally became obvious. I want to go play now but these were only the FIRST 3 things lol.

Cyber-Universe: If any folks are wandering around thinking bad thoughts about me please know that if I don't know what your issue is, then I certainly can't address it. I will assume that silence means you don't care. Never assume that I don't care...I might just think it's better to let folks make their own mistakes and learn by fixing them. (Delightfully cryptic, huh!)

Cyber-Self: Enough with being cryptic.

Today's (instead of) Work

2011-11-01T10:11:00.000-04:00

Life

2011-11-01T09:03:00.002-04:00

I recently received the following email:

Hey Denise, hope all is well. I miss you. I was curious if you could write or call my father and let him know he is being extremely irresponsible by not getting a biopsy that he so disparately needs. He said he would rather just die. I am really upset and could use all the help I can get!"

I've known the sender since she was 2 years old. Her father and I worked together at the Painted Bride Art Center for a number of years. I babysat LM numerous times. PBAC staff were all artists and all family. It really was a wonderful place and a wonderful time.

But was it really my place to interfere? We haven't seen each other since I left Philly 2 years ago. Even then, it was only on Christmas Eve for a few years before that. (Our family always had an Open House.)

After a few days, here's my response:

Good Morning, L. I think of you, M. and LM every Christmas Eve...there really was a Golden Time for the Clark family. I'm so grateful that you were a part of that. But I am feeling very lucky to be home in Texas and close to my father. He was recently diagnosed with Parkinson's; it seems to be progressing steadily. I can't help but think that I got here in the nick of time.

I tell you that because, of course, LM contacted me. I waited a few days to really mull it over; I can't say that I wouldn't behave the same way on both sides! I won't know what it's like for either of you until I get there myself. And remember that Twenty-somethings have absolutely no clue about our choices because they just aren't fully emotionally and intellectually WIRED yet. They are not done growing. It takes a few Big Events before they become true adults with perspective.

With that said, LM's appeal broke my heart. As a child of such dynamic, creative parents, a lot of her identity is based upon her life with you! You give up and it feels like you're giving up on her...even if she doesn't know that consciously. 'Gotta respect that. I'd definitely do the same with my Dad and I have before. Love drives us to it. L-O-V-E! We want to hold onto our fathers because we are now old enough to truly love them.

So here is my advice: If the VA is footing the bill, at least know for certain what you're dealing with.

I think we should all be grateful that LM has grown into such a wonderful, warm, loving person. By including me in a situation that I really have no business butting into, she took me to such a loving place. I had the same feeling when I contacted Lenny after his brother's murder. There is an undeniable lifelong bond between us all. 'Guess it's that funky Painted Bride JuJu.

Peace to you, L. You all are in my prayers. XO-D

Cyber-Universe: The Big Picture deserves the same attention as a Expressionist painting; the discovery is in seeing the painting far away and then walking closer to see how the details aren't really details at all.

Cyber-Self: Aren't you glad you decided to back up far enough to see the details again!?!

Love is Good.

one a day

2011-10-30T10:08:00.000-04:00

sensing a pattern?

2011-10-29T17:23:00.002-04:00

Probably mentioned that I'm trying to make another book. Almost done.

Keepin' pace

2011-10-27T23:38:00.000-04:00

pluggin' along

2011-10-27T12:39:00.000-04:00

2011-10-25T13:10:00.003-04:00

Instead of calling these "art work", I'm dubbing my creations: "art-instead-of-work". Pfffffft. Noon already and not a chore complete. Oh well.

And on to more important things...

2011-10-21T09:36:00.002-04:00

Christmas is coming! Christmas is coming! Christmas is coming!

Seriously, that's what was ringing in my head this morning. 'Mustn't get stressed just yet.

Stresssssssssssssssss. I am so very very hard at work trying to let some of it go. It's hard in the presence of Idiots. Well...hardER. I blame my own lack of self-discipline/lack of boundaries. I'm getting testier each time my Life shifts because it has so many times in such a short period. I'm just not that flexible, that patient, or that forgiving at this particular moment. Tomorrow could be a whole new view for all I know. Today it would be wise for Idiots to keep their distance. (Of course, being Idiots means that they won't know better.) 'Wonder what my horoscope says.

Cyber-Universe: I'm reminded of an experience in Philly...

I had opened a Parent Resource Center in my kids' school and I was hosting one of my first meetings. I had furnished the room with a little decor, chairs, table, and some magazines. An African-American mom picked up a magazine and read, "Teaching Tolerance. Sheeeeeeeeeet. I don't want no one teachin' anybody to tolerate me. They lucky I tolerate them."

And she's quite right. We are ALL lucky that other people tolerate us. It's called Humility.

Cyber-Self: You just wrote your own horoscope. Follow it.

Today's Revelation

2011-10-11T09:45:00.002-04:00

I am often the emotional "canary in a coal mine" in groups and pairs.

Definition Not good for the canary.

With various bits and pieces of relationships currently being mended, I feel refreshed enough to peck the hell out of any hand that tries to carry me into a "mine" against my will.

I have less important things to do.

Cyber-Universe: I've expressed this before...You are more than capable of taking care of Yourself with, or without, me. As You were.

Cyber-Self: Psychic Back Rub...wish it were as good as the real thing. An item for the To-Do list?

Oops. Guess Life Happened...

2011-10-06T09:19:00.003-04:00

I have to admit that I'm shocked that it's been so long since I've posted and that so MUCH has happened over the course of this lapse. And you know what? I ain't gonna write shit about it. 'Maybe when some things have resolved...don't really care. I have too many Discussion Openers in my head. September was a Shit/Fire Storm in just about every relationship around me...not about me necessarily but still stressful. And I had my own 'Storm to deal with. Pfffffffftt. September sucked and there's not Take Backs. Let's see how Optimistic October works out. (haha...my check engine light went off yesterday on my truck...my future is at stake...financially...maybe...too scared to check. Pffft.)

So...I came back to the Blog because I started to think about Christmas and maybe creating more Shutterfly books. I finally made something; really shouldn't have let that much time pass and it probably would have served me well to be more creative. I'll try harder.

I have a feeling that chanting the Serenity Prayer in my head will serve me well too. 'Just sayin'.

Cyber-Universe: now the oppressive heat has passed, there's no excuse for bad* behavior.

Cyber-Self: Who made you the boss? (Point taken.)

* "bad" as in knowing when something is wrong and doing it anyway. Ew.

Anniversaries-PS

2011-08-29T08:34:00.002-04:00

I was just soaking in my COLD water redneck spa out back and I got to thinkin'... (it was just before dawn and I got to see the first bee come to the flowers next me). I've been too negative. I make God sound like a Jewish mother...constantly pressing a person towards self-actualization; nagging in hopes that we "figure it out". Naw. That element is really just (my) Bratty Ego.

Very soon after moving here 2 years ago, I remember realizing the myriad of Ironies I found myself in: I was surrounded by individuals who, at whatever levels, were a part of the Most Damaging Years of My Life. I was face-to-face with a man who had been keen on high school girls; luckily (?) I had already been a victim of another Perv and easily thwarted him...twice. He fucked my Life in other ways though so it didn't make any difference. And I was face-to-face with folks who honestly, truly, deeply believed that I had been a Nice Girl back then. I didn't have to want to evaluate those Years because it was being done FOR me. The lessons have been very gentle for the most part and have been about removing Guilt, Anger, Grief.

Plus, I seem to have come home just in time to be apart of the other peoples' Major Life Changes. The fact that I make them my own is how I show my Love. I obviously need to work on that for my own sake which would make it all a Lesson in Learning How to Love Well.

In my heart, I have to credit God. I have no other adequate explanation.

Cyber-Universe and Cyber-Self: Happy Monday. Stay cool. Stay focused. Admit what you do not know but don't plead ignorance. Sincerity trumps finesse any day. XO

Anniversaries

2011-08-26T10:03:00.003-04:00

I have NO business sitting down to write at this moment. There's so many little things for me to take care of and I'm finding out that my Inner Brat really can take over....whatever.

This Sunday is my dad's 70th birthday. It is also the 2nd Anniversary of when I left Philly; we loaded the UHaul, said goodbye, and drove away. Life would never be the same. (I'm starting to feel some tears coming...I might include a photo of my daughter taken that day. It's eerily cheerful.)

And it marks the 10th Anniversary of The Very Last Days of Family Life Finally Feeling Perfect. Through Labor Day, September 2001, we had enjoyed 3 blissful summers at the Jersey Shore because we got to live in our house there between July and Labor Day. I worked for the Opera Company of Philadelphia in education and I only worked during the school year. My Ex worked for the IRS for some of that, with a schedule that allowed for 3 day weekends. The kids were 8, 15, and 17 and all still in school. Our homes and car were paid for. We only needed to keep up with insurance, utilities and taxes. I got my first tattoo to celebrate my new freedom as I was no longer caring for my mother-in-law (she was deceased) and my Ex was no longer drinking. My Texas family visited us frequently in NJ. Life was so fucking GOOD.

9/11 exploded that Life into itty bitty bits. I went into a slobbering, hysterical rant at one point that day when I foresaw nothing but misery in the days ahead. I was stupid for being glued to the news and for being a Sucker. I would not recover from being forced to watch the murder of thousands. War is inevitable. I would turn out mean like my grandmother because I would have to wait at home while my sons were taken away to risk their lives. Everything would suck from here on out. And I was proven right on so many points that it's hard to tell if it was a self-fulfilling prophesy or not.

I was laid off from the Opera Co. between Thanksgiving and Christmas, 2002, while my son Brian was in Iraq, serving as a Medic. Our other son was so far in Outer Space...it was so very painful to watch. He was arrested twice. The Ex decided he didn't want to work full time (or, as it turns out, sorta ever...!). I don't even need to bring up money.... The only ray of sunshine of course was my girl.

Sidebar: I wonder how many people in Philly are perceptive enough to know that THIS was the Beginning of the End of My Marriage? I doubt it. It took me quite awhile to figure that out for myself. From 9/11 forward, the news was on nearly 24/7 on the TV in our bedroom. If that doesn't fuck up the "chi", I don't know what would! We were doomed as a family and nobody really cared or had the initiative to change. We all just sat down and got lost in our heads. I fantasized about winning the lottery.

I did however, get the initiative to go to massage school. And then I started to write this blog.

Maybe this explains the anger that sometimes erupts from me, especially with young folks. Some of the wounds of that day will never heal and that was exactly what the terrorists wanted. It's almost like seeing an atomic bomb from very far away...it'll burn into your eyes, your skin but it won't kill you...yet.

Moving to Texas has probably added years to my Life.

At the moment, I'm very wrapped up emotionally in family health/age/care drama. 'Making long phone calls and feeling tired. I had asked God once, after my mother-in-law passed, to make sure my kids were grown before I had to start worrying about this stuff...(I'm feeling the deja-vu of a writing redundancy suddenly...sorry) 'Got my wish in case anyone DID'T hear me kvetching about it at length. I gotta stop with the "woe is me" BS, especially in public. But then I think (as my Inner Brat) "WTF?!?!?! It hasn't been a month since Cecilia left, I found out about my Dad's illness, Robert died, and now my godparents are teetering on hospitalization?!?!? Really?!?!?"

Yes, Cyber-Self...really. That's just how Life works. Now wrap things up and get yourself moving. Inner Brat needs to nap already lol.

Cyber-Universe, I would never suggest that the earthquakes, hurricanes, and drought are in any way a result of who were are in God's eyes, though how it all shapes us is/can be spiritually relevant. I've never really felt punished by God so much as tested. That might not always be the case because I can't predict the future; for now I'll continue to do my best to feel connected to Greater Good.

Kisses. -D

2011-08-18T13:05:00.000-04:00

The Shift and the Swing of the Pendulum now make sense...

2011-08-18T10:09:00.003-04:00

Sort of. But sometimes that's the best we can do. We hang in there, process things as best we can, and move forward. 'Looks like there's a Regular Routine in my near future... awesome. I could use more structure AND more income. I'm trying not to be too pissed at God for the length, breadth, scope, timeline of all of this Life Change Stuff but whatever. I still have enough Inner Pollyanna...

'though you wouldn't know it by the end of my last post, Cyber-Universe! Wow. That definitely had an Emotional Charge and not a happy one. Hmmm. I would never dream of apologizing because this is a blog. Plus documented bits of Rage can be very educational, Cyber-Self. These days I'm keeping some cards closer to my chest, so to speak. 'Seems like a wise move. Relationship poker lol?

Just because recent themes now make sense doesn't mean that they are "done". The Shift has just passed cresting: Robert has passed away and we are emotionally re-building. My job will expand because one receptionist quit. We're financially living moment to moment.

The Pendulum has brought me to a moment in time that I had actually asked for: I wanted my children to be grown before I'd have to consider or be involved in my father's health (and his mortality...some day). My daughter turns 18 on Saturday. I found out about my Dad's Parkinson's the day she flew back to Philly a few weeks ago. I'm not nearly as upset as I was but Robert's death has me melancholy and that drags things into worry...it's like mud. Worry sticks to me, weighs me down, and leaves prints everywhere. I share that transparency with my Boo's mom. *aha* Maybe that's why soaking in my "redneck spa" has been so helpful: I'm symbolically washing off my Mental Mud...pretty awesome. (Total Sidebar:Professionally, I'm wondering about the effect of soaking in below 80F water on chronic pain/inflammation i.e. fibromyalgia, arthritis, Crohn's even. I'm my own "guinea pig" for the time being. Yum.)

And in all of this shifting and swinging, the landscape of my relationships are changed considerably and most definitely for the better. 'Still have challenges out there; personalities I haven't quite dealt with but I've been thinking on it (in the "spa" no less!) One positive, immediate outcome after a death is Perspective. If some folks want to make the same ol' shitty mistakes over and over then there's really nothing for me to do or to worry about. I pray for the ones I love and I support their efforts...when they make them. If they don't care, I will try to back off.

So I kinda repeated the same line of thought as the last post: I've ended this on a negative note. Hmmm. Maybe it's my way of saying, "You don't know what I'm thinking and you're not the boss of me!" And it's sufficiently cryptic, too. Bonus. Keep 'em guessin'! (Why I would need to be that way on my own blog is a mystery to me, too. 'Keep myself guessin'?!?!?! haha)

Cyber-Universe and Cyber-Self, I have nothing but Love for you. 'May not always sound like it but I do. Peace out home-skillets.

2011-08-07T12:14:00.000-04:00

2011-08-06T23:25:00.000-04:00

Probably too soon to Blog...

2011-08-06T16:58:00.004-04:00

But what the heck. I'm still processing the last two weeks and I might as well capture the moment. I'm in a vortex of Big Life Stuff and none of it has anything to do with the rest of the world. It's challenging. 'Reminds me of how bad I was at jump rope as a kid; never could jump in with two twirlers. Bah.

Some events I/we obviously saw coming. We knew my Boo's brother was on his last days. 'Still felt like a surprise and it was kinda a frenetic scramble to get to Oklahoma. We drove with his parents.

The one thing I know for certain about Funeral Land: you can't predict just how it's all gonna work out. People will all have their own way of dealing. Let them do it. The second is that there's always a moment when you're gonna "lose it" and the funeral is the one time that it's completely appropriate to do so...within reason of course. I feel very bonded to my new family. There is undeniable and unconditional Love between us. I've seen them grieve and I mourn with them. Robert Brown has a place in my heart forever.

I was really taken back by the photo montage shown during Robert's funeral. There were a lot of photos I had taken during my 2 visits with him. It wasn't a flattery-thing so much as a realization that I had, indeed, documented the beginnings of his Transition. The first visit was when Robert got his diagnosis and the second was when he was recovering from having a feeding tube inserted. The first visit was with Boo. I got a lot of wonderful shots of the two of them playing guitar. The second visit I went alone. I volunteered to stay with him for a week while his wife worked (she needed to save her hours). We hardly stayed at home though and when we did, there was always some kind of drama or fun...not much in between. It was a week of adventure, mostly positive, some very negative but ALL of it worth it. (Album's on FB btw.)

What really really really has me all kinds of turned around is the major slip in my father's health. The whole family has noticed changes in the last year. Then Dad tells my sister he was diagnosed with Something Pretty Fucking Serious. But when asked by my aunt about it, Dad said that, "they were going to keep an eye on it" (whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean.) He also had a post-biopsy consult but wouldn't let my aunt sit in. Prognosis: "We're going to keep an eye on it". My aunt thinks I'm the one who should probably play Tough Cop and she's right I suppose. I'm certainly mad enough. He has slipped into Denial and I pray it's temporary. His wife is in Europe and will return shortly...we're all waiting to see what happens next. I found about his S.P.F.S. disease a couple hours after my daughter left for Philly. I felt lucky to have a day to myself to do all of my wailing and carrying-on so it was oddly okay that I got the news then. But that meant I was already exhausted when we heard about Robert dying. I'm pooped in all kinds of ways.

Cyber-Self, the Great Pendulum is always swinging and you know that. Hang in there.

Cyber-Universe, I'm fairly certain that you are capable of taking care of yourself.

For the individuals out there who don't have their Shit together and don't seem to care: you're wasting my time and your time. Git 'er done! No more excuses; you're only lying to yourself. So there. I said it. Namaste

The Distance Between Us Part 2

2011-07-15T09:10:00.000-04:00

Today's MDR (3)

2011-07-06T09:33:00.002-04:00

If I did go ahead and write, it would be a rambling, redundant mess... I'll wait awhile before I commit words to blog. Keep on keepin' on, Cyber-Universe. Cyber-Self: you are never obligated to reveal more than you want!

Today's MDR (d)

2011-07-05T08:59:00.001-04:00

Today's MDR (c)

2011-07-04T17:49:00.001-04:00

Today's MDR (b)

2011-07-03T12:31:00.004-04:00

Not much into words today...

2011-06-24T10:24:00.002-04:00

I'm with Stupid

2011-06-22T08:58:00.002-04:00

One of the elements I LOVE about blogging is the inevitable opportunity to laugh at myself (or at least scold myself with compassion.) I totally caught myself listening too much to my ego; I was one step away from Total Bellybutton Lint Acquired Wisdom Syndrome (TBLAWS! haha)

All of my ramblings about the Shift, Death, Filters...I just assumed what I was sensing was something that would happen to me. 'Guess I'll have to give points to the Great Whatever on this insight because I keep getting the same Positive Reinforcement: I am here for Good Reasons. Sometimes my role is to be a Witness until otherwise instructed; a neutral presence that's kinda "recording" the Whole Thing.

My boss lost a friend last weekend in a tragic accident. The friend's tractor flipped and he was cut in half. Watching my boss process this has been very Life affirming and totally beyond my personal experiences...but not. For all of his flaws (and my own), we "get" each other and it seems right that I am/we are there to support him.

And then there's the sudden change in Boo's Brother's Cancer. The doctors have sent him home; there's nothing else they can do. I'm preparing myself for a visit to Funeral Land because it's always a tough ride...on every level. No doubt this will complete my bonds to my new family. We are a Good Fit. I love them very much for their willingness to make that happen. This will be my opportunity to be supportive.

And then there's Philly (....I know, right? Does it ever END with this woman?!?!) In my Special Crew, there are two who are now Precarious. One needs a liver transplant (we are bar friends after all, though I don't know if that's the cause...sure it wasn't helpful) and one who is fighting Cancer for the second time (he already doesn't look good and he's starting chemo...I'm lovingly realistic and he appreciates that.) Three of my Nick's friends have passed away since I moved to Texas. Loving these guys and gals has always been bittersweet...most are over 60 and have hardly lived a "healthy lifestyle". When I looked around the bar this past Friday, I realised that I adored all of these folks because they are, without exception, "un-marriable". And they always treated me with such sweetness. Whatever it was/is, it's all about the Love.

I know I know...it still sounds like it's all about me but that's more a writing-style issue. First Person doesn't necessarily mean Only Person. ;-)

Life is Rich...with details, nuances, misperceptions, errors, healing, Joy. There are no blank spots.

So Cyber-Universe...I'm gonna try to lay off a little with the preachin'. Life happens to everyone. More often than not, it's totally not my "job" when it comes to how anyone else does It. I should look into "mastering" my OWN Life soon! HAHA

Good Luck with that Cyber-Self! (maybe not so funny...okay it pretty much is...hee hee) Keep it Light! XO

(too late at night for words)

2011-06-21T01:42:00.001-04:00

Broken Record

2011-06-02T07:46:00.004-04:00

Hmm...Cyber-Universe. I seem to be stuck on a thought-train; I'm still going over eras in my life and wanting ALL 20-somethings to "get it." Of course then, I'm put in the position of defining what "get it" means and then think about the Why... sounds like too much work. To read or to write. Oh well.

The latest set of memories are of myself 30 years ago. (My Boo and I are nearing the 30th anniversary of when we kissed in Europe). I remember the months preceding that trip: I was living with my grandparents because my grandmother was terminally ill. I cooked for them, cleaned, and near the end of her life, I slept with Grandma and helped her use the bathroom. She died just before the trip.

In the last weeks of her life, my grandmother started sharing her codeine with me. We had a few awesomely lovely afternoons on the couch with the sun coming through the picture window. Yum. She even stroked my hair a few times just the way she used to when I was little. I share this because it's VITAL to understand that in times of Great Pain, there are moments of Beauty that are beyond expression. The fact that we did a drug was beside the point...mostly sorta.

After she died, I filled an aspirin bottle with codeine and took it with me to Europe. I enjoy hearing now about everyone else's perception of that trip. I remember soooo little. I was definitely "elsewhere". I didn't lose that otherness until after Grandpa died just over a year later. (And I betcha my sister remembers the "magic words" at his funeral...again...Great Beauty and at a funeral no less.)

It would be very easy to read this and think that on some level, I'm trying to "one up" everyone else's suffering. And that is exactly the point I want to make: it ain't all about you (or me). It just seems like the last two generations are so afraid of pain that it all becomes "avoidable". Back in my day, some folks wanted to die at home. There were enough family members around so it was a perfectly cool and reasonable request. Personally, I wouldn't have asked a 16 yr old to do it but that's just me. (smile) 'Love you Dad.

So one question is this: Would you allow someone to die in your home? And please...it's not a judgement; it's like asking if you're ready to have children or get married. Death will always always always be there. I'm just challenging you to look It in the eye and adjust your Inner Filter. (Or maybe I listen to too much Arcade Fire and Tv on the Radio - lol...just feels like an urgent message I need to share.)

And...btw...I was at a music store, across the street from my high school, when I realized my grandmother had died. I went straight to the choir room at school and picked up the message from the office. I gathered up my cousin and my sister. We were headin' to Manchaca before I realized the sequence of events. Pretty much happened the same way with Grandpa...I felt a "something". I just assume now that this is possible when you are bonded to a dying person.

I certainly felt pulled home when Uncle Odell went into hospice about 5 years ago. My plane from Philly arrived a few hours after he died. I had almost made it in time and I was pretty bummed I hadn't. I gave myself a few minutes to be sad at the airport before my sister picked me up and I headed straight to Aunt Lil's to help out. Cousins were everywhere and one handed me the phone with a note outlining the funeral arrangements and a message pad and pen. Hellos would happen later. That's just how it's done.

Hopefully, like a catchy pop song, this "tune" will finally leave my head. (haha Radiohead is playing....there really IS no hope for my brooding soul...jk! I do warn youngsters not to listen to too much Radiohead at one time... hehe)

So Cyber-Universe, it obviously takes me too many words to say what I mean. I certainly can't apologize but since it is work, to read and to write, I do so very much appreciate the effort.

And Cyber-Self: quit talking to the camera....HAHA

Stay cool, stay calm, stay funny, be human, be kind, be you. XO

I am the Walrus

2011-06-01T10:58:00.002-04:00

There was a point in creating this image that I realized I had done a similar one not too long ago. This one has more depth, more "edge". Wouldn't it be nice if Life imitated Art? No... not really.

The last two days have been about 2 folks in hospitals for procedures: one is an 11 yr old girl who had a nerve "rewired" in her heart and a 79 (?) yr old man who had metal posts drilled into his skull; he is having his brain "rewired" to alleviate uncontrollable tremors. That is my current "filter".

One's "filter" or perception can never be truly seen or shared by another. Ever. Art is an evocation of Life. Blogs are autobiographical fiction/art. Open for (mis)interpretations along a very wide spectrum of what we think we know about each other. Human beings can't help but impose their beliefs on what is experienced. We always think that because we haven't been bitten by a pet, that they must "like" us.

Get rollin', Cyber-Self! You have many clients today. Cyber-Universe...(psychic projection) sorry. I'm not saying it out loud today. XO

The Distance Between Us

2011-05-28T08:01:00.006-04:00

My father has a Master's Degree in Filmmaking from UT. He earned it during the most challenging time of his life. My sister and I were his Witnesses for some of the hardest parts. He might have been 30-31 when he finished his thesis.

My mother was killed in a car accident in November 1970, roughly 2 1/2 weeks before my 6th birthday. Dad was nearing the end of grad school at the time. I think he had been working on a film about being separated by War. He had a lot of footage of my mother and tape recordings that they used to send to one another during Vietnam. I love the home movies of the Early Years of their marriage...my mom looks like she had a great sense of humor. Good stuff.

At 28, Dad didn't know he was on the cusp of finding out that there IS something much worse than being away from the one you love: Complete Absence Forever Eternally. Of course with Tragic Events, we never know we're on the cusp until we fall or get kicked off of it. The pain is indescribable and the Ego is lost in shock.

My father's thesis film? "SANDI: A film by Fred Meredith." It's a film about a filmmaker making a film about losing his wife. One lesson I've taken away from multiple viewings of "SANDI" is that my interpretations of my father's work shift depending on my age and the audience with me. Only after I passed the age of 28 and had a daughter did some sections even matter to me. 'Scenes in which my mother's autopsy report is read for narration. 'Scenes of her crashed Volkswagon with blood on the seat. Scenes of Dad racing to the hospital (re-enacted for the film.) As a child, I had no clue but the Imagery throughout the film had always intrigued me. I think I "get it" now....

One memory I have of the filming was a scene with me and my sister. It was the anniversary of my mother's death and we were at her grave (which is on our property btw). Our directive was to put flowers around her cedar cross. I have the impression that Dad was irritated because I wasn't sad enough. I was a total Goofball at 6-going-on-7 (and at 46-going-on-47!) so that would make perfect sense.

Mostly though, the film evokes for me a time when my father was surrounded by dozens of interesting, nice, creative people. Everyone was so good to us! The movie is really their collective collaboration with Dad. They balanced it all out for us emotionally...or at least they seemed to try. I love seeing everyone on film. Those Friendly Freaky Hippies were magical to a kid like me.

My sister and I weren't allowed to go camping with the crew for shoots but everyone spent a lot of time in our swimming pool afterward. We were allowed to go with Dad to shoot time lapse of sunsets and sunrises. (A whole 'nother entry cuz it was '70's technology...so yes, he stood there and shot frames one at a time.) And we were also "allowed" (haha) to be with Dad for the bulk of the editing; often as late as 1 or 2am...! Finding "something to do" in a university hallway or office for hours made me the creative soul I am today. I do believe boredom is deadly... I am a survivor. I remember Dad saying something about how we girls were already in college. 'Felt like it. We were the smarter for it.

So why say all of this now? When I wrote some of this long-hand, I honestly had no idea. When I reached the end though, I totally went OFF on an individual....I shocked myself! So, after some reflection, here is my answer:

20-somethings out there: develop an Attitude of Gratitude. Look around and realize that all of us will leave this Earthly plane and there really is NO TIME to waste on superficial, immature BS. But also know this: I can't wait to see who you are at 30-something, 40-something. We will be glad (for the most part) that we stayed acquainted... at least that's my hunch. My love is parental; firm in what I think is right but patient and always loving.

Whew...so GLAD I got this done this morning. I have so many things to do and I was getting a little anxious about not fulfilling this MDR. Awesome.

Cyber-Universe, drink lots of water and rub ice cubes on the necks of over-heated loved ones, including yourself! Cyber-Self, you really need to find some aloe vera cuz Grrlfriend you had too much fun and too much sun yesterday.

Busy Busy Busy

2011-05-22T01:40:00.002-04:00

I really ought to be asleep right this moment. It's almost 1am and I woke up this morning (oops yesterday) at 4:30am. Oh well.

The one blog-thought lately has been that I am NOT a born-again Christian or maybe not even a "good" Christian but....the Great Whatever has been such a positive force that the only suitable language for it sounds so much like the religion of my youth. 'Guess that might make me a Paying Attention Again Christian.

And at this very moment, I am very glad to be 46, tubby, in Texas, and in love. Life is rich. And, I've also discovered....wait for it...I'm allergic to Drama.

I truly love my friends so I hope they understand my "sneezing".

Gesundheit and Goodnight (or Good Morning) Cyber-Universe! Cyber-Self...you really need to make time for making stuff again. Really. Like now already. XO

The Shift: Was that IT?!?!

2011-05-04T00:09:00.004-04:00

Tonight I'm following my own advice. I have a small mountain of things to do and I'm feeling a day behind (last minute $$$.) I just had to get in my MDR before I even made out my bank deposit; priorities.

It's kinda wicked wild that I've been speaking of a Shift and now the world has followed suit in such a mind-boggling direction. I'm literally waiting for aftershocks...I'm trying not to let it be a bad, wasteful endeavor. I'm just making sure my footing is as sound as possible.

And you'll have to count me among the ambivalent when it comes to O/Usama. It all just makes me remember the weight of those years when my son served in Iraq; can't get those back. Maybe it was because I was in Philly but September 11 will always mark the day that Happiness was over. Tunneling my way out of that Hole took most of those 10 years; can't even say if I'm truly out or not. I know that I wish my son could act like he loves me. Just for a minute. 10 seconds. Whatever. My other son and my daughter are my consolation and they are very good at it. Such a shame they feel the need to emotionally cover for him. See?!?!?! Down into the Hole I go...just like that! (sigh) I really need to get over myself. (hugs to self cuz I was stupid enough to watch news today. tsk tsk)

Oh SNAP! I just put something together (this was a good idea to write); my Boo has been watching wayyyyyyyy more of that shit-news than I have. Lately his cynicism has been too much and it has made me cranky. He's so certain that the world as a WHOLE cannot be trusted! For REALS? (Yes, I'm aware he might keep up with this blog...too bad, Sweetie but I can only take so much of it a day without a little balance. Whew...I feel better. Gesundheit.)

And while I'm looking down the Hole and bitching, my Ex sent 1 of 2 tax returns a YEAR after they were requested. Now I have to figure out where to turn it in because I need a stamped cover-sheet. For REALS?!?!? And you're gonna give me shit for calling it even with the money you owed me IF you gave it to our Girl for prom and all of the graduation stuff, seniors shore trip, etc.? I sent $300 and you owe me $300. REALLY? What a Cheap Bastard. (Was that out loud?...sorry sorta kinda.) That's just an element I hadn't expected to last this long: every communication just reinforces why I got divorced in the first place. See? I did it again...I let myself get pissed. This will just NOT DO!

oooo...Second SNAP! Now I know I'm a nerdy-goofball-flake-a-zoid: I'm thinking that Volunteering is good for dis-remembering assholes and the people attached to them. When you mingle with the Peeps, you either like the folks you meet or you just become jovial acquaintances. Fair enough, right? Wish I had a magic wand to wave over a few heads.

So enough of this for tonight. It's 11:56pm which is very late for me. ha. If I'm lucky, I'll get my bank deposit made and maybe maybe I'll have nice piles and post-its made for tomorrow morning when I'll be well rested and inspired. (After all, I did have an awesome nap today.)

And on that note, I repeat what I commented on a FB Wall. "...prepare for the media mayhem. I'm not gonna watch. I'm waiting for the musical." It was Liked.

Soooooooo...Cyber-Universe....have any CLUE as to what's next? I know. I know. Sure-footing blah blah. Cyber-Self: Don't be such a Brat Baby and things will go more smoothly. Boundaries are good but there's really no need to give yourself a concussion by banging your head on someone else's. It's kinda cute that you try but only kinda. XO

Dedicated to all the Haters out there....

2011-04-29T10:52:00.002-04:00

HAHA! 'Love you anyway! The Big However is that I won't typically provide you with consequences personally...I'll let "karma" do that. Put some baking soda on that sting when it happens. XO-D

Cyber-Universe, thank you for the beautiful morning. Cyber-Self: Make today a No-hold's-barred-get-it-done Fest.

Love Transfusion

2011-04-26T10:26:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was amazing. Delicious Serendipity wove herself through my day, leaving me with the sense of true reunion. I spoke with (in order): a high school friend that I accidently texted, my boss' wife, my Boo's mom, my daughter, her godmother, and for a couple of hours, my beloved Boo. (Without him knowing I had spoken with her, he messaged the same high school friend.) We are definitely shifting. Nice that it's together...

I'm getting to like the fact that my daughter is more mature than I am. I told her about some of the social nonsense lately and she was so very sweet and insightful. Where DID she come from? Oh, that's right: God. The Great Whatever. And in acknowledging her own recent happiness, she said she felt a Positive Presence; that she had been given Something Special. I'm still smiling and still glowing. Love is magical.

Cyber-Universe: Good Fortune is much like the owl that we recently discovered in our yard; he roosts there almost daily. It finally occurred to me that he's probably been there for years... we just never looked. (Just be glad I didn't spew that Yoda-style!)

Cyber-Self: Drink more water and get yourself a good breakfast...now!

'G-Evenin'

2011-04-23T18:59:00.003-04:00

'G-mornin'

2011-04-23T08:59:00.002-04:00

My Inner Yoda: "One knows one what never will find out their closet cleans when own one.

Woot! Made something and wrote something just in time to get ready for work. All is right with the world. XO

Cyber-Universe: Your hot winds of fear are blowing through our town. Rain please. Cyber-Self: No worries. Really... what does worry really accomplish without direct action? So drop what is not yours. <3

Sometimes...

2011-04-22T19:07:00.002-04:00

And you can quote me on this:

Sometimes you just have to sit back and let them be the Asshole.

Peace, love and all that Jazz, Cyber-Universe! Horoscope for Cyber-Self: Now is not the time to speak your mind. Wait. (see quote to self above)

from November 2006

2011-04-21T09:03:00.004-04:00

'Great to happen across this image on this particular day (see previous post.) This was done in Philly back when I worried about bigger stuff: my son's service as a medic in Iraq, another 9/11 (walking by the Liberty Bell/ Independence Hall would never be the same...you can feel the cameras), and my inability to forgive any wrongs.

Nothing like perspective. XO-D

Disappointment

2011-04-21T08:39:00.005-04:00

I like a good cry. Today's stream of tears was reassuring; I have my priorities in the right places. Recent God-driven lessons actually prepared me for this sad situation and I knew this Shift in relationships was coming. Here it is.

But I'm reassured by the depth of the love I feel for my Boo, by the insight that mean-spirited behavior makes me sad rather than angry, and that, for the most part, I'm happy with the person I've become. I'm no angel for sure but I know the general vicinity of the High Road.

Cyber-Universe...what I appreciate most about you is your vastness; petty things are mites on the lice in the ear of a rat. Tiny. Cyber-Self... blogging will always be the best thing to do. It's an investment. Love you all. XO-D

Don't worry. I think I'm strange, too

2011-04-20T08:55:00.003-04:00

There are mornings when I sit down to this computer and look at the art I created the day before and I wonder... where did THAT come from? Some even make me cringe a little because they are either over-worked (more often than not) or under-worked (sloppy cutting for layers). My previous entry got mixed reviews from me on first glance.

And if anyone out there has even the slightest clue on how I might earn some income from this, please let me know. What the heck, I'm a big girl; tell me if that's just not a possibility. XO

I have a long day of massage ahead. Always adventure! Really. It's soooooo cool to know someone's back well enough to know what's up without asking. (But I always ask cuz that would be irresponsible, natch) I have the opportunity to lay my reality aside and go into the zone. I really do love what I do.

Rock on with your Bad Self, Cyber-Universe. Cyber-Self: have a great day, I love you.

Today's MDR

2011-04-19T17:08:00.002-04:00

Minimum Daily Requirements

2011-04-15T09:53:00.002-04:00

First of all, I'm ditching the "time stamp" titles. The intent has been fulfilled: I wanted to know when I was most likely to be creative each day. Got it. I like marking the endpoints of creative phases and experiments. Plus it made finding particular entries such a hassle! Oi!

I was thinkin' on the subject of my creativity and my thoughts segued into my current list of MDR's. I need doses of the following each and every day:

Affection

Creativity

Medication

Water

Coffee

Cigs

_____

Sleep

Music

Meditation/prayer

and recently, Birds

Totally not in order and definitely not complete.

My professional life has taken yet another shift. That's cool; everything seems to be in a shift anyway so why not everything? For reals.

Enjoy your bounty, Cyber-Universe! Cyber-Self: commit to meeting your MDR's before you commit yourself to any more endeavors. Love you.

3:25pm

2011-04-11T16:28:00.003-04:00

New Feng-shui for the bathroom windowsill. I put the rubber ducks in with the soaps. I've rearranged a lot of little things in the house today. Wanting a sense of order is a good sign that I will probably-maybe-kinda finish sorting the pile at my left elbow. 'Still thinking a lot about people though. ohm.

Prayers are going out to family in Fort Davis; wild fires are popping up left and right and there is still great danger. Please pray for them, too Cyber-Universe. Cyber-Self: Take a break and then get back to work. Nothing gets done on it's own after all. XO

10:11am (2x at this time)

2011-04-08T11:15:00.003-04:00

'Another Fentress Photoshop collage; I took so many nice stock photos that day. 'Keep me busy for weeks if I wanted to. I wonder when this particular phase of work will evolve. It has become fairly rote but so far, it hasn't quite become a bad thing. There's absolutely nothing wrong with artistic efficiency...Picasso? hello?

Dozens of positive opportunities are piled by my left elbow and I haven't had breakfast. Onward Ho! or Onward HO! or ONWARD...Ho! hehe

Keep your sense of humor, Cyber-Universe and be kind to those who don't have one.

Cyber-Self...I have to admit I'm pretty darned proud of you. Keep on keepin' on Girlfriend

7:06am

2011-04-07T08:09:00.002-04:00

Good Morning, Cyber-Universe and Cyber-Self...it's the dawn of a New Day. 'Proper nouns only because I'm in a mood. I cleaned up my Inner House a little and it really felt good. I'm done with avoidable awkward moments that serve no purpose. 'Got enough moments that DO matter! So I cleared a few names from FB, massaged my 2 most loyal clients, and gave it my all in Zumba yesterday; good start Cyber-Self.

I wish I had an image right now but time's a-tickin and today's a full day at my "regular" job.

Peace, Balance, and Abundance to you, Cyber-Universe. And all of you try to remember:

"No Judgement, No Malice"

XO-D

10:11am

2011-04-06T11:14:00.000-04:00

Proof.

10:59pm and Wide Awake

2011-04-05T00:02:00.002-04:00

I'm usually a great public speaker. I've had lots of practice and I like it. I never get nervous or make stupid mistakes...until tonight. I wasn't nervous but my presentation was a total Fail. I was totally thrown off by...lots of stuff.

And later tonight I started thinking about my (feels like new) God-driven Life. One advantage of Faith is that it allows me to take a step back from everything around me, take my time, and make decisions with the trust that the Great Whatever typically takes care of most things anyway. There's no need to stay ahead of each moment... especially since the hardest things in Life have hit me from behind anyway. Blindsided me. Walking in Faith is a patient and thoughtful walk.

I think the problem with tonight was over-planning on my part. What had been a speech for a fluorescent-lit meeting room with bad acoustics and rows of chairs facing in one direction didn't happen. We met at someone's house instead. And I was so far ahead of myself and thinking about what I would say that I lost touch with the Moment. (Didn't help to have a certain someone irk me either.) I totally absorbed bits of everyones' dysfunction in all of the little distractions. Damn. I really did want to make a great impression...now I fear I will be labeled a Ditz.

God-Lesson: Being Present is often more important than being Prepared. Have Faith that the planning I do is adequate (through discipline of course...not supposed to be easy) and to always bring my best Intentions into my interactions.

So...it wasn't a total Fail. They might still think I'm ditzy but they know I care. The "proof's in the pudding." And now that I can set THIS aside, I might be able to make out the MANIC jumble of notes with arrows, numbers, underlines...what a mess! Maybe I should scan the page for an image...prolly not tonight cuz I'm finally sleepy. Feels good to talk it out.

Speaking of which, on the issue of someone irking me tonight: I have no need to say who or why. I am learning other God-driven lessons, too. Some of them are about relationships, boundaries, respect, compassion... the winds of Change are always blowin', that's fer sure. If I can continue to walk in Faith, the Shift that I feel coming might not turn out badly at all. Lord knows I've had me a lot of Shifts in the last couple years...so far so good for the most part!

Sleep tight, Cyber-Universe You too, Cyber-Self

9:28am

2011-04-04T10:30:00.003-04:00

I have so many different thinking/writing things to do today. I sat down at the computer and an unfinished Photoshop project was open; I have my priorities! And I made Boo breakfast first thing this morning, too. I is smart.

Cyber-Universe: I know the Big Picture is pretty f-ed up but try to hang in there. Good people are in the Cosmic Trenches for you. Cyber-Self: Stop your lolly-gagging, puttering, and fiddling around...JK! That's just how you work best. Good Job. So glad you literally went ankle-deep into the mud of your new hometown yesterday. Good Mojo.

8:49am

2011-04-01T09:52:00.002-04:00

8:10am

2011-03-29T09:12:00.001-04:00

7:47pm

2011-03-28T20:49:00.001-04:00

9:23am (2x at this time!)

2011-03-28T10:26:00.001-04:00

4:15pm

2011-03-27T17:17:00.002-04:00

3:17pm

2011-03-27T16:18:00.002-04:00

Too much to say? Or so little interest in sharing? Both. Suffice it to say that I had another opportunity to demonstrate the very depth of my love for my Boo. Finding him reminds me that God does exist and that we are brought together with the Right People at the Right Time for the Right Reasons if our Intentions are pure and intended to benefit someone other than ourselves. He's an infinite source of awe/bewilderment/humor/respect/patience...all layered together as a result of His Life Thus Far. I love knowing that I am changing his/our future.

We'll just have to call it "The Showdown at Wimberley...Sort of"; we'll both know what you mean and hopefully, one day, it will inspire laughter.

Hug the ones you love, Cyber-Universe...BTW who ISN'T starving for affection on some level?!?!?!?!?!? Cyber-Self: I am very proud of you. 'Doesn't matter when you learn a Lesson, what matters is if you truly learned it. You go, Grrrl XO

3:01pm DST

2011-03-15T16:04:00.001-04:00

11:11am

2011-03-14T12:14:00.004-04:00

Totally a bum this morning; gray days without work will do that. 'Spent a lot of time listening to the "Rolling Blackouts" album by The Go! Team...fun.

Have a good one, Cyber-Universe. And remember Cyber-Self, not everyone will "get" you and it really doesn't matter now does it? That's good. Now be productive. (I'm so hard on myself lol)

8:59pm DST

2011-03-13T22:02:00.002-04:00

9:31 am DST

2011-03-13T10:31:00.003-04:00

'Thought I'd change things up a little and incorporate an image from 2007. I really do have a lot to write about but I'm kinda all over the place at the moment. (Like this is a new thing? Really?) BUT I have considered "planting" some entries within comments from older entries. There's a whole chapter of my Life that hasn't been mentioned...the Elephant in the Room, if you will. Hmmm...it's a thought. That makes a total of two thoughts so far today.

Have a Managable Time Change, Cyber-Universe and pray for Japan. Keep your good humor, Cyber-Self. Company's comin'...get off your butt! lol

9:23am

2011-03-08T10:25:00.002-05:00

Hmmm...guess it's easier to procrastinate with images rather than words. It's not as if I don't have plenty to talk about; I'm just not in the mood to ramble aimlessly. When all of the pieces start to make sense, you'll be the first to know, Cyber-Universe and Cyber-Self. As I've said in the past, it's better to write very little rather than spend hours editing. (And I don't like to edit this blog at all once it's posted...self-imposed blog-rule)

8:51am

2011-03-04T09:53:00.001-05:00

3:38pm

2011-03-01T16:41:00.003-05:00

'Just thought I sneak in something very quick today. I'm actually making amazing progress with my office stuff:this is my reward. XO-D

Happy Tuesday, Cyber-Universe...I know there's a lot going on out there. Kudos, Cyber-Self but don't rest on your laurels.

12:59pm (waiting for Boo to wake up)

2011-02-27T14:01:00.003-05:00

A re-done image from 1996.

9:09am (running late for church)

2011-02-27T10:11:00.003-05:00

9:59 Okay...I totally blew off church. I just got done writing my excuse-email to the choir director. Too tired. I'm even too tired to write why (see Imagine Lockhart or CCTXN on FB )

but NOT too tired to make a quick image. BTW I managed to scrape the shit out of my new truck last night at a chair massage gig. I now hate mega-apartment complexes and the erratic open/close action of their gates. I took too long to drive through one and cut the turn too sharp......sceeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrape! Oi! It ain't easy being me.

Can I get a back rub, Cyber-Universe? Go back to sleep, Cyber-Self. You have stuff to do later.

Oh my!

2011-02-23T09:58:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to insert a little somethin': I got a wonderful email from my son, Colin and I mentioned my blog to him. (Context: that it was obvious that I would be leaving Philly eventually but even I didn't quite catch it til later. 'Just wanted him to read the entries where that's obvious.) Well...I found old comments from a friend of mine! I had NO IDEA. Pretty darn cool.

I have a long day of massage ahead.

Have a fantastic Wednesday, Cyber-Universe. Keep up the good attitude, Cyber-Self cuz I love you!

Did it again...

2011-02-22T09:48:00.002-05:00

The image directly above is marked with the date 8/12/06; the one above, today.

Since I actually have a "work at home agenda" today, I won't be writing anything. Oops...I just did!

Love you SO MUCH, Cyber-Universe! You go, Cyber-Self! Holla!

RePost ReWorked

2011-02-19T15:48:00.001-05:00

RePosts

2011-02-19T09:01:00.004-05:00

Thought I'd throw this on. I was reading through my Archive and these are some of the last photos made with my previous camera. Hmmm....I don't look so happy, do I?

Have a wonderful Saturday, Cyber-Universe. You too, Cyber-Self

6:15pm

2011-02-18T19:17:00.002-05:00

And I'm running late. But I wanted to get this on here since I made it today. XO-D

Have a nice weekend, Cyber-Universe. Have a great time at the jewelry party, Cyber-Self; always good to meet new people.

11:18am

2011-02-15T12:20:00.002-05:00

'Thought I would try to improve upon yesterday's endeavor... oh well!

In other words, I still haven't cracked the procrastination nut. (sigh) It ain't easy bein' me.

Valentine's Day 8:27pm

2011-02-14T21:28:00.002-05:00

I've shocked myself: today I had every opportunity to get very important stuff done and I just flat out didn't do it. Hmmm. This is not a good sign. 'And/or it's an indication that I truly need to have a little chat with myself. (sigh) I would just call this a Mental Health Day but I'm pretty sure (even though I'm basically self-employed) that I have used all of them....prolly for a few years. (nah, not really)

The Valentine's entry from 2009 is pretty interesting and very telling. I just hope that all is peaceful in Philly.

Adios, Cyber-Universe. Cyber-Self...you're so...so...so....NON-COMPLIANT! :-P

Valentine's Day 8:46am

2011-02-14T09:49:00.001-05:00

Please see "Rubber Ducky Feng Shui". ;-)

8:18am

2011-02-11T09:20:00.003-05:00

Ok, so I guess this "style" is my current phase. Alright by me I guess. I think the biggest achievements so far have been 1) FINDING my old photo stock and 2) having just the right amount of time each morning to make something...anything...doesn't matter.

Or does it? I would love to know that maybe my blog might be put into book form and given to family and friends upon my passing. (of course, being consecutive is sometimes hard with the blog layout.) Well...long after I moved home to Texas, I decided to look through my complete blog archive; I was stunned by how telling my entries were YEARS ahead of my decision to divorce and move here. Wow. If my Ex had ever bother to read it, would things be different? (prolly not but interesting to consider on an intellectual level...the other "levels" are long gone.)

Anyhoo. It's a good habit.

Happy Friday, Cyber-Universe. Cyber-Self...do I really need to tell you? Really? Well do what you're going to do but things don't get done by themselves. (I'm such a Nag.)

Rubber Ducky Feng Shui (7:44am)

2011-02-09T08:45:00.005-05:00

My Boo and I have a game we sometimes play: he will change what I consider to be a perfectly arranged shelf/table/counter with one little thing. He did that with my Seashell Zen corner of the planter out front. My Boo wondered if I'd notice if he changed the direction the decorative frog faced...I caught it immediately.

Well...for the last week, he just wouldn't leave the bathroom windo

wsill alone. He kept adding one rubber ducky (he's the smallest on the right). I'd find a new place for ducky and sure enough, within the hour he'd be back up there. So yesterday, I gave in and Zen-ed it out with a proper collection of duckies. The arrangement has survived unchanged for at least 18 hours.

BTW, there's never any conversation in regard to this game unless of c

ourse, it's something major like furniture. Sometimes it's the most subtle interactions that make a relationship fun and inspiring. (happy sigh)

Stay dry, warm, and safe, Cyber-Universe! Take care of that foot, C

yber-Self! DUH! Like NOW!

ADDED 2/14/11... and the Game continues! Soooooo fun. Xo-D

8:30am

2011-02-07T09:31:00.000-05:00

The Honeymoon Is Over Suite

2011-02-07T07:59:00.002-05:00

HAHA!

This morning I've decided to do the writing first and maybe get an image in after. I love this title because it's officially an inside joke between me and my Boo. I took him to stay in Wimberley and, in my effort to be romantic, booked the same room we had last year on his birthday; it was a spontaneous effort to surprise my Sweetheart.

Well...Romantic Memory is highly untrustworthy! The freakin' cabin is just as uncomfortable as last time, if not more so! How could I have forgotten?!?!? At least I had the good sense to bring a pillow from home but my back is still sore. We both could barely walk the next morning and we both fell asleep the second we got back to Lockhart. Freakin' miserable. So maybe the romance that I remember came out of a bond made in mutual misery. And we did have a great time shopping at the rock store and hangin' at Ino'z with great friends and endless pitchers of beer. (sigh) The weather rocked and the drive both ways was beyond beautiful. I just have to remember to ask for a different (but probably just as miserable) cabin next year!

A Med Milestone

Today I refill my one month on the two new meds. If you've ever been on this type of medication then you know there are timeframes for this stuff to actually work; most do well before a month. So it's a time to "check in" with oneself: hmmmm.... all systems seem good but I really should try to exercise more.

Make it a Great Monday, Cyber-Universe! Be Productive and Pro-active, Cyber-Self!

12:38pm

2011-02-05T13:41:00.003-05:00

'Thought I'd throw together a little something before I wisk my Boo away to Wimberley. (We're waiting for laundry...?) It's his birthday and I decided to repeat last year's gift: overnight in a log cabin, an evening of numerous pitchers of beer with no fear of DWI, a hike in the morning cold, a hot breakfast and off again for the real world. We might even shop for rocks.

Enjoy your weekend, Cyber-Universe! Patience is a virture, Cyber-Self; the best gifts are given unconditionally. MUAH!

7:32am (edit of a previous image)

2011-02-04T08:34:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I'll create an image that I just don't "get". This is one. This morning I decided to try to make it about smell.

I have absolutely no idea how this day will pan out. I'm supposed to have clients at the chiro's office but with the dusting of snow, who knows? I feel bad because both are rescheduled from Wednesday when we had rolling black outs and no heat. I came to Texas to get away from this kind of weather!

Make the best of it, Cyber-Universe! Eat a good breakfast no matter what, Cyber-Self!

My Boo

2011-02-02T08:53:00.004-05:00

(Note: I had to edit some of this the next morning. Some things just didn't sound right.)

Even though this photo is over 30 years old, I still see this image of a young man when I look at my Boo. Maybe it's because, in so many ways, he's still very much the same. I was 15-16 when I had a crush on Mark; at the time, I hated it because I knew I wasn't popular or pretty enough. I believe there's yearbook picture (80?) of the Madrigal singers and he's posed with his hand on my shoulder. I look thoroughly annoyed.

The Great Experiment

There are days when I am absolutely overcome with Awe and Bewilderment: how did I end up here? Of all of the people in my past, why Mark? Our paths after high school couldn't have been more divergent. He stayed here and I went to Philly and stayed 22 years. So why does this relationship make Perfect Sense? How are we able to live together so well?

(smiling at you, Cyber-Universe) It's totally a God Thing. Call It what you need to: the Great Whatever, Kismet, Higher Power (too 12 Step for me personally), Allah...you get the point. And I think God has a great sense of Humor and Irony. (Hard to tell just what's up globally with Him though....sigh)

I just needed to get that thought out. This Adventure with my Boo has been/always will be an Endless Discovery of Why I Love Him. 'Got an attitude of gratitude.....

Stay Warm, Sweet Cyber-Universe! Enjoy your day, Cyber-Self!

11:52am

2011-02-01T12:54:00.002-05:00

Ok...I'm not exactly off to the most productive start BUT it's something! Making a quick Photoshop-something every few days could become a Good Habit. I have a tough time with those sometimes.

Stay warm, Cyber-Universe. Um....Cyber-Self...you really ought to at least shower...just sayin'.